Depth of Character

The ‘Not My Shoes’ interview idea was a stroke of genius. It’s why I volunteered my time to participate in this second round of interviews. I got lucky… I only knew Lena Bean through her writing. Don’t get me wrong, her writing is poignant, thoughtful, and moving. Solely grading her humanity based on her writing already gives her high marks; but to learn about who she truly is has been a journey. I wanted to ask questions that would put her into introspection mode, to give us all a chance to see the real Lena. As a result, I’m going to share what she told me at the very end of the interview, as it gives us a great peek into who she is, and what you can expect from this interview. “Thank you for these questions,” she said, and I imagine a look of exhausted relief. “I needed them today. They helped me to feel grounded and to process things that are going on. As I said before, I know I write too much which is why I always hate my autobiographical works, so trim what and where you need.” Let me say this, Lena, I haven’t trimmed anything yet. I’m writing this pragmatically, so you can expect our readers to see most, if not all, of each of your answers. Thank you, Lena, for this chance to show you off!

And so, the interview began, and I couldn’t have imagined starting off with the smile I had from her very first words. But sometimes hearing a person be immediately self-critical can be humorous. Here is her introduction:

“I have the darndest time with saying too much. Which is funny bc[sic] in real life, I never say a word! But in writing, I talk too much. So, as long as you don’t perform a hatchet job and make me look like a mass murderer, feel free to streamline my verboseness!”

I knew from this point on that I was in for something special. I chose, however, to be rather mundane in my opening salvo of this interview. Where would an interview be without knowing what a typical day in their life is like? She wasn’t so excited about it…

“Oh, the question I dread!” I see, in my mind’s eye, Lena running around with her hair on fire. “I used to be quite the busy bee, but I feel lazy now that I’m not working (thanks a lot COVID). Well, I’m not a morning person at all, but I try to be up at 7am to get my husband up for work.” How thoughtful is that? Though, being out of work thanks to a pandemic that has gone on for far too long must be maddening. “Then, I have coffee and read my morning scriptures, before getting to work on my online schoolwork and the various Bible studies that I conduct. Then, of course, there are bills to pay, doctors to see, groceries to buy, and chores to complete. Plus, right now, we’re trying to find a house to buy, so I spend a lot of time trying for that and spinning straw to gold. Just call me Rumpelstiltskin [a laugh emoji was entered into the text here].” My wife and I just bought a house in August, Lena, we know exactly how hair-raising it is! But, that first night in your new home is going to be one of the best in your life! “Around 6pm, I make dinner, and my husband and I usually watch a show while we eat - right now, it's X-Files, and either hang out with our cats and talk or go to a park and feed a group of wild ducks that have adopted us. Before bed, I feed and medicate our cats, dogs, and cockatoo, and, if I’m lucky, I get to write for an hour or so.” I don’t know about you, reader, but I feel tired just reading about her day!

As anxious as the interviewee may have felt at the first question, I moved right into the ‘hard-hitting’ questions. And I started with the obligatory childhood inquiry…

What was little Lena's biggest dream?

“Oh, so many! At first, I wanted to be a famous singer (more Aretha than Brittney) and travel the world, then a basketball player (before the WNBA was a thing) who travels the world, then a baker who travels the world… but that was quickly replaced with the dream of becoming a novelist – and traveling the world. (Notice the trend…)” I have traveled the world, thanks to the near decade I spent in the Navy, and let me tell you, it’s worth it! I do hope, Lena, that your dreams of travelling the world come true because there is SO much wonder out there to see!

What is the most important trait of little Lena that is still with you today? (I had no idea that I was going to ask this question until I actually asked it. It seemed like such a great question to ask, and I wondered how I might answer this question myself… I still have no answer.)

“Both as a kid and a (wannabe) grown-up, I seem to have three main traits that twist together like a chord: I’m always acting and speaking before I think (it’s the ADHD), so I hurt myself a lot (both physically and other) and I get into a lot of trouble. I like to say that I have “foot-in-mouth disease,” because of this, I am also very self-critical and always going off on myself. But no matter what, I keep trying!”

This is where my jaw dropped open! Did she really just tell me about hurting herself? It was at this point that I needed to get clarification of her words. Here was her answer (well… most of it, I did use my prerogative in editing, this time):

“First, thank you SO much for your kind words and MORE SO for you and your wife’s outlook and good will about mental health. The worst part of it is the stigmas and faulty logic and accusations, etc., of people. I know that there are A LOT of words below. I don’t know how to say it in fewer words, because I’m so emotional when I talk about it, and I wanted to try to be as clear as I could and not cause any more misconceptions.” I had a sigh of relief at her opening words here. “SO, My first inclination was to let you know how horribly sorry I was for misleading you with my words. It was purely accidental, and actually a great example of me speaking (or writing) before thinking and messing things up.”

It wasn’t a ‘mess up’, Lena! It helps all of us see you a little clearer. “My foot-in-mouth disease that I referred to! You see, years of ADHD and anxiety and feeling the need to rapidly run around and fix everything for everyone- at home, at work, at school, etc.- and it has created this habit of mine where I act and speak (and write) without really thinking through the consequences. I do this in everything. My dad used to get SO angry with me and called me a “bull in a china store” because I was always bouncing around the walls and knocking into things. That’s what I meant by hurting myself.” To some degree, I think we can all relate to this. That notwithstanding, this still falls well within the realm of mental health. I wish the world, and my own country, in particular, held mental health awareness to a higher standard. I was one of those that never thought too much about it, to be honest. Then, I reconnected with the woman that is now my wife, and she has shown me just how important mental health awareness and advocacy is.

Lena continues, “I also speak too quickly, and it gets me into trouble. I jump to people’s defense and I get defensive, and I interrupt others… it’s the ADHD taking over, and because of this, I get my own feelings hurt and hurt others’ feelings, too. And I hate confrontation so desperately that I get physically ill when there’s an argument or conflict. so that’s what I meant about hurting myself in other ways So, that’s what I wanted to say. That I’m so sorry for misleading you, because I’ve never been a “cutter” or done drugs etc.… the “I hurt myself” usuals.” That sense of relief welled up again at these words. However, mental illness and other mental issues are far too common in our world. So, I wanted to drop a link to anybody reading this that may feel they need help. The link provided is to the “Self-Harm Crisis Text Line”: https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#types-of-self-harm-2

It didn’t end there, however, and Lena brought to light another issue that has come to the forefront, unfortunately. “But then as I was typing the above, something clicked on in my brain, and I realized. I was bullied a lot growing up, so when I embarrass myself or something, I hear their voices in my head, and I say those things over and over to myself until I get so worked into a self-hating frenzy that I will bang my head into a wall or dig my fingernails into my arms or thighs until the pain is louder than the self-hating voice in my head. I also will get so anxious and degrade myself in my own mind until I vomit, and sometimes I get so nauseous that I can’t eat for days.”

I can’t imagine what this must feel like! My heart sunk again, knowing that Lena had to suffer through bullying and that it continues to impact her intensely to this day. She apologized for the me misconstruing her words, but no apology was necessary. I’m glad that I got the clarification. But the statement went on, and more important things reached the surface. “But I did realize that I do actually hurt myself, just not in the way most people think of. And I think that I’m honestly not alone in this. Especially people with OCD and PTSD, this is a common condition. To hurt yourself to make the OCD and anxiety quiet down… I do actually think that it is important for people to embrace that there is more to self-harm than just “cutting” and etc. and there are also more reasons that people hurt themselves than for attention as a lot of people believe. As to how I manage all of this… Honestly, I’m so incredibly avoidant!... My husband and many others think that those who can’t handle emotional or mental problems without medication are weak. And that medication makes you less yourself. That’s BULLS*&^%! IT’s like telling a diabetic not to take insulin. Our brains are not functioning the way they’re supposed to, and we can get literally “stuck” in bad memories, so being PROPERLY medicated can make our brains work the way they’re supposed to (or closer to it), and Counseling can get us “Unstuck” from those things that we keep reliving.”

She goes on to say that ‘talking it out’ has never been her way of being able to cope, but that she also understands the incredible importance of it. As may seem obvious to some, she’s very open when she doesn’t have to physically talk about it, but messaging is a totally different medium. “However, I had gone over a decade without medication until just recently I subscribed to Cerebral, and I’m getting some help. I had to do Cerebral because of COVID and my anxiety was too strong to go in person, but also because my husband does not believe in medication for mental health, and is opposed to it, so I’m doing it on the down low… I do however have a support system of my mother and sister. But MOSTLY through my faith and meditation and prayer. I’d be so lost without that. I am able to feel a peace come over me when I pray and it’s not like a cure all, but it’s so essential that I do that for myself. And whatever people need to do in their own version of “faith,” it is SO important to have that outlet of meditation and calming and “talking” to someone, even if it’s just whatever form of spirituality they take. For me, my counseling is either in prayer or in my writing, but many people need more than that.”

Lena, your willingness to open up on this topic, I have no doubt, will help somebody in a way they never thought possible. I appreciate your candor on this matter, and I hope that you continue to find those things that ease your mental state.

I included the above because it was such a crucial aspect of who Lena is, and I felt compelled to include it. But, back to the interview!

If you could tell little Lena anything, what would it be?

“Not to sound like a Disney movie here, but the thing that she needed to hear the most was to “Let It Go!” – all of the anger and resentment, all of the fear and worry. I would tell her that everything isn’t her fault, and she doesn’t need to fix it all. And I would tell her that it’s okay to just be a kid sometimes and not to let the fear of punishment or judgment keep her from doing the things that bring her joy. I’d tell her that she is beautiful, and that the girl she sees herself to be in her mind… the girl she wants to be… that that IS the girl that she is and that it is okay to let herself be different and to be seen and to be heard.”

What is your fondest memory?

“Honestly, it can be hard to think of these, but the best parts of my life have always been with the groups of people I loved – even if they’re no longer a big part of my life – playing pool and Mario Kart with the older high school kids, playing basketball with all the guys (and kicking their butts!), playing Pictionary with my mother, sister, and aunts, and all of the moments spent in or by the sea or water. I wrote about a time in Hawaii that a sea turtle held my hand – that was otherworldly!”

Holding Flippers With A Sea Turtle

“So, what's the last lesson? It's a lesson that I have been trying to remind myself of every day since, but it's the most important one. That turtle reached out to me, and he told me that no matter what the world around me is trying to make me feel or believe about myself, I can still occupy my own mind and my own space. I can still be me.”

Which celebrity, living or dead, would you interview? Why?

“I know we both share a love for Tolkien. So, I’m sure it’s similar for you! One time I was in the middle of the Redwood forest in California, and I just sat down on this massive tree trunk covered with lichen and moss, and suddenly this story of Legolas and Gimli came into my mind, and I just knew that Tolkien had had a moment like that one. I want to just sit down at a table with him and talk for hours and hours and find out about his moment in the forest that inspired him. I want to ask him what the Ents do for fun, and I want to ask him what advice Gandalf and Samwise would give me in the dark moments of my life. I just want to get into the mind of the man who can create languages and songs and worlds, and I want to hear him read those stories and epic poems aloud in his own voice. I want to have him tell me about Strider and Galadriel and where they came from within his life and mind.”

I can’t lie, I’m over-the-Moon excited with this answer. I have read nearly everything Tolkien, and his son, Christopher, have written concerning Middle Earth and its development. Every single time I read a Tolkien letter, I imagined sitting and speaking with him, trying to delve into his mind. Lena, it turns out, is a kindred spirit here! I’m smiling…

Which family member, living or dead, would you interview? Why?

“My grandma on my mother’s side. She is, thankfully, still alive. She is simply awesome. She’s a potter and artist and used to teach art, but she was also an Olympian, a ski instructor, and a hellion as a kid! Little Letha has stories to tell. I grew up hearing her stories about slashing the school bus tires so that she wouldn’t have to wear a dress at the recital, that her teacher told her she had to mouth the words because her voice was not good enough. And it was her who used to make up stories in the car for us as kids. She gave me her gift of story, and I want to tell hers. I have a book in the works of her stories: “Off Grandma’s Rocker.””

An Olympian! How cool! Perhaps, one day, we can get/read an interview with this former hellion! But, not only is she a former Olympian, she currently runs a pottery business in Alaska!

https://www.facebook.com/AlaskaMudheadPottery/

What drives you, day after day?

“I’ll be honest, I find it really hard to keep my feet (literal and metaphorical) moving most days, but two things are forever with me, pushing at my back to keep me going even when I feel to tired to keep going: My faith and the hope it brings with it and knowing that there are people (and pets) who need me to keep going for them; to feed them, love them, and to be the hand at their back when they feel too tired to keep going.”

As many human moments that have been had already in this interview, this human moment can, at one time or another, certainly include all of us. Following that question, I wanted to delve a bit into her author side, without delving too deeply. But being an author is very much about who we are, and I thought, with the insights we’ve already gained, that we could glean a couple more.

What's your biggest inspiration for writing?

“You know, it’s like the question that we know is coming, but I still don’t really have an answer. I have insights and thoughts that I want to share with the world, and in real life I keep my mouth shut 99% of the time and internalize everything! Then, when I do speak, I hate myself for the words that come out! It’s the same with writing, 99% of what I write, I hate. Especially when I write non-fiction, but there is so much that I don’t say that is burning a hole inside of me, and it just needs to come out!

*Ernest Hemmingway said, “there is nothing to writing, all you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”*

I’ve always loved this quote and felt it was so true, but I’m learning that it’s not even that simple. I think, for writers, it’s more like we’re walking around with this huge wound and bleeding internally, and writing is our way of getting the blood out. So, we do bleed on to the paper, but we were bleeding long before we started writing.”

This answer resonated with me, as I’ve never thought of writing quite this way. We do bleed. But rest assured, Lena, most of what you write your readers love and appreciate.

What do you want your legacy to be, both within the writing world and without?

“You know, yesterday I probably would have given a different answer, but I was at the funeral of a close friend today, and the words spoken about her changed my feelings. Or maybe they just gave me the words to what I already felt. When I’m gone, whether my writing lasts or doesn’t, I want people to feel moved to speak at my funeral about how no matter what was happening in my life, I was still there for them. I want them to know without a doubt that they were loved and valued by me, and I want them to say that by my actions, they knew I loved God. And I would love to have each person in my life, and those who read my writings, to be able to say at least one thing that I taught them. Whether it is learning how to empathize with someone with mental illness, or learning that it’s okay to fail a million times, as long as you keep trying… I want to leave a piece of myself behind in every person I meet – in the real world or the world of words.”

My interview with Lena turned out to be a lot longer than I expected, and she had the hope that my write-up of it would “make my dull self more interesting”. And I had spent some time trying to think of witticisms that I could include to keep this interview moving; but that was before I had the answers to my questions. As you can see, the lion’s share of this interview are her own words. Lena, you are anything but dull! I am so honored to have been able to explore Lena’s life, and to be able to share it with you, the reader. All of us have our struggles. All of us have our tales that show the true depth of our nature. But, having those tales and being open to share those tales are vastly different things. Lena, thank you for inviting us into your life!

Follow the link below to Lena’s Vocal profile and give her a read, or three. Personally, my favorite of hers is the “Winter” collaboration that she is a part of. It is engrossing, vivid, and wondrous. Let her know that she is not dull, and that her writing has already had positive effects on so many of us!

https://shopping-feedback.today/authors/lena-hj4spk0ukb%3C/a%3E