A (One-sided) Interview with My Dogs

A hypothetical interview with my two Shih Tzu dogs. Gi Gi is three years old, and Ella is four years old.

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“So, Ella and Gi Gi, I wanted to have a bit of a chat with you about a few things.”

“What are we in trouble for? We didn't do it.”

“No, nothing like that; I want to try to understand a few things that you do.”

“O.K. If you must. Do we get a treat?”

“Well, let’s see how we go. You get a lot of treats.”

"That's because you love us so much.”

“Which one of you digs those holes in my garden, and why do you do it?”

They both look at each other as if to say, “Are you going to tell him, or do I have to dob you in?”

“It’s me,” says Gi Gi.

“No, I have dug holes as well,” says Ella, coming to Gi Gi’s rescue.

“So you both dig holes—why?"

“Well, we get carried away playing, and it just seems like a good thing to do. Plus, we always have a bet on who you will blame first,” added Ella.

“Do we get a treat?”

“O.K., but only one."

“I like this game,” says G.I. Gi, chomping on her liver treat.

“Ask another one,” barks Ella.

“Why do you guys always follow me into the bathroom and then sit there and stare at me?”

“Why do you always stare at us when we take a dump on our walks?”

“Because I want to be sure when you have finished, so I can pick it up.”

“Yes, good of you to always do that, Dad. You always stare at us, so we return the favor when you go to the bathroom. Works both ways, you know. Besides, we want to know what you are up to.”

‘It is not because you can’t let me out of your sight, then?”

“Hah! Don’t flatter yourself there, old boy,” smirked Gi Gi.

“Why is it that you want to stop at every pole or every garbage bin, when we go for a walk. It drives me crazy!”

“It’s our walk, isn’t it?” asked Ella.

“Yes, but do you have to stop all the time?”

“For your information, Daddio, we're ‘reading the newspaper.'"

"What is reading the newspaper?”

“Well, we can tell who has passed and how they were. Then, when we do a wee and our little dance, we leave messages for the others to read.”

“So when you do that kicking business after you have been to the toilet, it actually means something?”

“Damn right it does, it tells whoever comes along, “this belongs to Gi Gi,” proudly admitted Gi Gi."

“Then when we say hello to the dogs we meet by sniffing their butts, we can put two and two together. Comprendi Kimosabee?” added Ella.

"Now, what about another one of those treats?”

"O.K., here you are."

“And why do you do that butt-scooting thing on my expensive rug? You look like little Daleks, the way you scoot around.”

They both giggle at each other.

“You take this one," said Gi Gi, still chuckling.

“Well, when you have an itchy butt, you scratch it, right? In case you haven’t noticed, Einstein, we can’t scratch our own butts, so your rug is an excellent substitute. Firm but not too firm, offering just the right resistance. Especially comforting when the old anal glands get a bit full.”

“That’s disgusting; can’t you do it on the grass or somewhere other than my rug?”

“Sure, we could, but what is in it for us?”

“Have another treat.”

“Here is a question for you, Ella: why don't you chase the ball when I throw it?”

“Hey, pal, you threw it! Why should I chase it and get it for you?”

“Gi Gi does.”

“That is because Gi Gi likes it; I don’t.”

“And you’re O.K. with that; you don’t feel left out.”

“Nope. I am happy sniffing around doing my own thing; you two eat your hearts out!”

“Thanks, girls. I'm really glad we had this chat, thank you. Just one more question: why do you both cuddle up so close to me at night on the bed? It's a huge bed, and I have to sleep right on the edge because you both push so close to me?”

“That’s easy. We love you, Dad, and we want to be close to you.”

“You guys are the best; here's another treat."

****

[Author’s Note: We know dogs can’t talk, or do we? Dogs understand, on average, about 165 words, on par with a two-year-old toddler! Dogs don’t just respond to sounds. They link words to objects, actions, and results. Dogs may not talk like us, but they express their needs and wants. They use barks, whines, and body language to get their message across.

PS. My two little girls are adorable. They probably wouldn’t answer me as I have portrayed them; they are too well-mannered for that.]

Till next time,

Calvin