TWO SHREWD DUDES GO TO NEW ROARLEANS

Snolly: Let's go down to New Roarleans and roooaaarrrr to the jazz.

Goster: I heard Burpin' street was a roar.

Snolly: We will find that out.

Goster: Laissez les bons temps rouler.

Snolly: Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Goster: It means "Let the good times roll." So let's roll a joint and roll outta here dude.

(They jump on a jet and jive on down to New Roarleans)

Snolly: I booked the Hosmell Itsamessta for 5 nights. Right on Burpin' street in the french half-dollar. Look at those bums layin' around.

Scum Bum: (With a bottle of booze.) Y'all gotta a smoke so I can toke and choke and the jokes on you folks cause I'm broke and might croak. Don't mean to provoke but I just awoke, lost my cloak as I spoke.

Snolly: Why don't you beat on a drum in the street for tips.

Scum Bum: (Drunk and tipsy.) I would y'all but I can't find the street.

Snolly: You are pretty old.

Scum Bum: True, I am over 80 and I don’t need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle.

Goster: Snolly, c'mon let's go down Royal street to Jackson square and hear a real street band. One with a basstard fiddle, a cornynet, a tromboner, a sexaphony, a badjo, a pianoise, a chlorinet, a violet, a washboring, a dumbmer, and a vocaleast.

Snolly: This band is funtastic!! I love that dislexicland sound.

Goster: You mean Dixieland? That's New Roarleans jazz for sure. Dixieland jazz, also reeffered to as tradrinkable jazz, hot jazz, or simpletonly Dixieland, is a style of jazz biased on the musick that devileloped in New Roarleans at the start of the 20th centerfold. It was spelled "Jass" in the early daze. The 1917 recordinks by the Original Dixieland Jass Band were some of the first. Tiger Rag, Livery Stubble Blues, Darktune Strutters Balls, Back Home Again in Indimarijuana were the tunes. The deafeningitive Dixieland sound is cremated when one instrollment usually the cornynet plays the melondy and the other instrollments of the "front line" improvisize around that melondy. This cremates a funtastic polyphunnyic sound.

Snolly: Time to eat. This restauroom looks good. The Do You Do Voodoo cafe. Let's have dinnerd.

Goster: Wow the menu looks deliciousness. Seafooled Dumbo, Crawlfish Eeltoufeet, Fried Alligatorade with Rheumalade Sauce, Oyaiyaisters Rockinfeller, Grimp and Shits, Blue Crabby, Jaminbalaya, Shrimpy Po-Boy, Oyvayster Po-Girl, Froggy Leggies Provenstale, Rusted Loosyana Quail, Messcargots Asserhole, Loosyana Freed Catfishy, Turdle Soup with Kornybread and for desertion, Bandanas Foster or Creme Brewlee.

Waiter: Would y'all like a drink?

Snolly: I will hurr a Havicane, I mean a Hurriedcane, I mean a Hanicurre, I mean a Hurricane.

It's a strong drink you should try one Goster.

Goster: No, I will have a Harrycane, I mean a Hurrigone, I mean a Haneycurr, No I mean a Canehurr, I mean, I guess that's it, a Hurricane.

(A Hurricane is 2 kinds of rum, passion fruit juice, lime juice, grenadine, garnish)

Waiter: And for dinnerd?

Goster: I'll have the Froggy Leggies and Grimp and Shits.

Snolly: I'll have a booger and flies.

Waiter: Sorry y'all. We do snot herve that sere.

Snolly: Ok, I will not get crocky just give me the Alligatorade.

(They finish eating and head to the Cotted Spat music club on Frenchfry street.)

Goster: Wow this musick is greatasticalenomenalous. It's MiKe KoRnRicH and his JuMpiN' JaSs BanD. My feet won't stoppage movementing. This place has mive lusic 7 weeks a day from 2pm-nidmight. I'll never leave!!! Gimme a 100 pix-sacks of Holy Roller IPA beer!!

(Gorgongeous lady singer singing)

"No gal made wears a pair of shades like *Sweet Gorgonzola Brown."

"Two left teets and old bare feets has Sweet Gorgonzola Brown."

"They all fly and wanna try for Sweet Gorgonzola Brown."

"I'll tell ya just why"

"Y'all know she's high."

( They dance and drink til sundown)

Snolly: Goster, c'mon. Let's go down the street and get a Catfishy Po-boy samich. I'm starvin.'

Goster: OK y'all. Then we can dig some more musick across the street at Bombedoula's. When he's done at the Cotted Spat MiKe KoRnRicH plays solo there. So low you can't hear it. He plunks the badjo and geetar amazupendoustacularificly.

(After a wild night they get back to the Hosmell Itsamessta on Burpin' street and crash)

Snolly: Get up Goster, we are going on a Bayoutube cruise to see some live Aggravators.

Goster: (On the Captain Swallowya cruise boat) Yikes!! Those beedy-eyed aggravators are comin' at us. I don't wanna be their cajun dinner.

Captain Swallowya: Have no fear maties. I will play a tune on my sexaphony. The aggravators all start swayin' an groovin' in the bayou to the sexaphony tunes.

They sing:

Born on the Bayoutube by Creedence Clearwater Revival. *

"Wish I were back on the bayoutube.

Rollin' with some Cajun Queen.

Wish that I were a fast freight train.

A-just a-choogling on down to New Roarleans.

Born on the bayoutube.

Born on the bayoutube."

(Back in the french half dollar)

Snolly: Now we're going on a jazz crunch bruise on the river. On the Natcheez steamboat. Listen to what this bruschetta reads: It is named after the city of Natcheez on the Missinanipple river. It is the last authentickle steamboat on the Missinanipple.

Goster: These dudes playing the piany and clearanet are great. The Jimmy Buffet was great food. The whole bruise was great. Now take me back, I'm getting sick sea, I mean see kick, I mean kick sea, I mean......blllaaaaaaaaac. Too late

(Back on land in the french half dollar)

Snolly: We will go get Hurrigone drinks at Pat Yo'Brains'. That will make you beel fetter.

(Sitting in the courtyard having Hurrigones)

Goster: Here's a New Orleans joke: What do you call someone who doesn't share their crawfish?

Snolly: What?

Goster: Shellfish!

A guy from Dublin married a girl from New Orleans?

It was quite the O'Cajun.

What do you call a fat guy from New Orleans that never tells the truth?

A jumbo-laya.

Snolly: I'd rather not hear anymore. Let's go to Frenchfry street again and hear "Big Mouth Alie and the Gators". The play bluesy swingin' jazzy fuck and ruck n' roll. It's gonna be funtasticnomenalarvelous. They are jammin' at the Smug Harboring Pisstro. Creold food in an old brick built spot from the 1800s. They host tauntlented musickians playing eclicktic musick raging from tradinktional jass to zydecoy, blooze, fuck, and rhyming and blooze.

And so the Two Shrewd Dudes have made the most of their time in the Big Sleasy. They had Bench Freignets, Hurrigones, Crawlfish, Aggravator soup, saw the street scum bums, the street musicologistickles, went through the gaurdian distruct on a troll car, explired Jackson Rectangle, saw Louis Armsweak park. The only thing they didn't do was play musick on the street but I bet if you gave them a badjo and an accordinglian they would make wunnerful wunnerful musick together. And a one a and a two a.......

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*Born on the Bayou- 1969 John Fogerty

**Sweet Georgia Brown- 1925 by Ben Bernie and Maceo Pinkard, lyrics by Kenneth Casey.