The Worst Blind Date Ever

The Worst Blind Date Ever

by Aariz ullah

I should’ve known the night was doomed when my Uber driver called me “grandma” and asked if I needed help buckling in. I’m thirty-two. Thirty-two! Granted, I was wearing a cardigan, but it had sequins. Sequins are festive, not geriatric.

Anyway, the point is: I was already in a fragile state before I even met him.

His name was Tyler—or maybe Taylor. My best friend Janice set us up, swearing he was “funny, successful, and into dogs.” That last bit sold me. Anyone who loves dogs can’t be too bad, right?

Wrong. So, so wrong.

Disaster #1: The Wrong Restaurant

The plan was to meet at a trendy Thai spot downtown. Easy enough. Except when I got there, I discovered there were two restaurants on the same street with almost identical names: Thai’d Up and Tied Up.

One serves curry. The other is… let’s just say not about food.

Guess which one I walked into?

I’ll spare you the details, but I will say this: never again will I unsee a man in a leather harness asking me if I “wanted the chef’s special.”

By the time I found the correct restaurant, I was already sweating and about fifteen minutes late. Tyler (or Taylor) waved me over, looking impatient. Great first impression.

Disaster #2: Mistaken Identity

“Sorry I’m late!” I chirped, sliding into the booth.

He frowned. “Do I know you?”

That’s when I realized I was sitting across from the wrong man. Same hair, same button-down shirt, but this guy was named Gary and was waiting for his blind date.

Gary, bless him, tried to roll with it. “I mean, you seem nice. We could—”

“No, no, sorry!” I stammered, backing away like a criminal caught mid-robbery. By the time I located the real Tyler, who was two booths down glaring at me like I’d committed treason, I was ready to sink through the floor.

Disaster #3: Allergic Reactions

To break the ice, Tyler suggested ordering appetizers. “Let’s share,” he said. Sharing sounded cute. Until I found out he meant sharing shrimp satay.

Here’s a fun fact: I’m allergic to shellfish. Like, throat-closing, EpiPen-level allergic.

I mentioned this as politely as possible, but Tyler waved it off. “I’m sure a little won’t hurt.”

Excuse me? A little won’t hurt? That’s not how allergies work, Tyler.

I settled for a mango salad while he loudly complained to the waiter that I was “difficult.” My salad arrived with extra shrimp on top. Whether it was sabotage or a genuine mistake, I didn’t care—I picked them out with chopsticks like I was defusing a bomb.

Disaster #4: The Unexpected Celebrity Cameo

At this point, I thought nothing else could go wrong. Enter: the celebrity.

Halfway through Tyler’s monologue about cryptocurrency (“It’s the future, you wouldn’t understand”), a commotion started near the entrance. People were whispering, pointing, and trying to sneak selfies.

I turned around—and nearly choked on my lettuce.

Keanu Reeves.

Yes, that Keanu Reeves. Neo. John Wick. Internet’s Boyfriend. He walked in, all casual in jeans and a beanie, as if he hadn’t just single-handedly improved the entire atmosphere of the restaurant.

Every woman in the place (and most of the men) swooned. Even the waiter stopped mid-order to gape.

Tyler? He squinted at Keanu and muttered, “Pfft. He’s not even that tall.”

I knew then: this date was unsalvageable.

But fate wasn’t done with me yet.

Because just as Keanu Reeves walked past our booth, my mango salad betrayed me. One tiny shrimp must have snuck under the lettuce radar because suddenly my lips were tingling, my throat tightening. Panic bloomed.

“EpiPen—purse—” I gasped, pointing wildly.

Tyler stared, confused. “Uh…what?”

And then it happened.

Keanu Reeves himself reached for my purse, pulled out my EpiPen with the poise of a seasoned action hero, and administered it like he’d been waiting his whole life for this moment.

“Breathe,” he said in that calm, reassuring voice that could probably solve world peace.

I lived.

Tyler sulked.

And Keanu? He gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder, smiled like an actual angel, and slipped away before anyone else could recover from the spectacle.

Epilogue

So yes, technically it was the worst blind date ever. Wrong restaurant. Wrong man. Wrong meal. Nearly died.

But on the other hand… I was saved by Keanu Reeves.

And let’s be honest: if your worst date story ends with Keanu holding your hand while you inject life-saving medicine, you basically win forever.