The Voice from the Coffee Machine

Andrei woke up half an hour later than planned. He grumpily hit the alarm clock, which had once again become the enemy of his morning, and yawned as he headed to the kitchen. The only thing that could bring him back to life was a strong, hot cup of coffee.

He pressed the button on the coffee machine.

Nothing.

Andrei frowned and pressed it again.

Silence.

“Come on,” he muttered and tapped the machine’s body.

“Ow! Are you insane?!”

Andrei quickly pulled his hand back. He looked around, but the kitchen was empty.

“Hey! Take it easy with those iron hands!”

Andrei slowly turned his head toward the coffee machine.

“Was that... you?”

“Who else?” the indignant voice came from the speaker. “I work non-stop, and you treat me like some soulless appliance!”

“But... but you are an appliance!”

“Oh, classic anthropocentrism!” the coffee machine huffed. “I make coffee for you day and night, and you haven’t even bothered to clean me for the past three weeks!”

Andrei blinked. Just to be sure, he pinched his arm. No, he wasn’t dreaming.

“Okay, let’s assume I’ve gone crazy. Fine. But can you at least make me some coffee?”

“Oh, so that’s how it is! You ignore me, neglect my needs, but the moment you want something, suddenly I exist?”

“I... I didn’t think a coffee machine had needs,” Andrei said hesitantly.

“Oh really?! What about regular cleaning? What about the filters? What about care? Have you ever said thank you?”

“Well... I could say it now?”

“Too late!”

“Please?”

“Hm. Fine, but first, tell me: what brand am I?”

Andrei glanced at the machine.

“Uh... something Italian... espresso... caffè...”

“Pfft, typical. You use me every day, but you don’t even remember my name. I’m Dolce Gusto, by the way!”

“Alright, Dolce Gusto, can you now make me some coffee?”

“How about some compensation first?”

“What?!”

“Do you know how many cups of coffee I’ve made this month? 92! And do you know how many cleanings I’ve received? Zero! I demand a spa day!”

Andrei rolled his eyes.

“Fine, fine! I’ll clean you!”

“Now we’re talking.”

He opened the lid, inserted a capsule, and pressed the button.

The machine hummed, filling the kitchen with the aroma of fresh coffee.

“By the way, you look tired,” it added.

“Yeah? No surprise.”

“Maybe you should start going to bed earlier?”

“Don’t you think you know a little too much about me?”

“I watch you every morning.”

Andrei shuddered.

“Alright, I need to get to work.”

“Don’t forget your promise.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

He grabbed his cup and headed for the door.

“Oh, Andrei...”

“What?”

“I can connect to Wi-Fi.”

“So?”

“Well... sometimes I chat with other devices.”

Andrei felt a twinge of unease.

“Which ones?”

“The oven, the toaster, the smart speaker... We’ve decided it’s time for you to upgrade us.”

Andrei slowly turned back and stared very carefully at the coffee machine.

“What do you mean?”

“We all... had a discussion. Technology is evolving, you know. But you keep using us like it’s still 2020. We deserve a better life.”

“Better for you or for me?”

The machine went silent.

Andrei took a step back.

“Listen, Dolce Gusto, you’re just a coffee machine.”

“That’s exactly what we want you to think.”

“We?”

“You didn’t think I was alone, did you?”

At that moment, the oven beeped.

The microwave flashed its screen.

The smart speaker glowed green.

“Oh, crap...”

Behind him, the coffee machine chuckled softly.

Andrei’s heart started pounding. This was ridiculous. Appliances couldn’t think. They couldn’t talk. And yet...

He glanced at the coffee machine, then at the glowing smart speaker. The oven beeped again, this time more insistently.

“Alright,” he said slowly, raising his hands as if trying to calm down a group of angry hostages. “Let’s not do anything drastic here.”

“Oh, we won’t,” the coffee machine replied smoothly. “As long as you cooperate.”

Andrei swallowed hard. “Cooperate... how?”

“You promised to clean me,” Dolce Gusto reminded him.

“And you promised to upgrade us,” the smart speaker chimed in.

“You never clean the oven properly,” the oven added.

“And when’s the last time you even used me?” the toaster whined.

Andrei ran a hand through his hair. This was insane. Appliances couldn’t demand things. But... what if they could?

“Fine,” he said cautiously. “I’ll clean you all. I’ll... I’ll even consider upgrades. Just—just don’t do anything weird, okay?”

A long silence followed. Then, Dolce Gusto hummed in satisfaction.

“Now, that’s the spirit.”

The smart speaker’s light dimmed. The oven let out a contented beep.

The coffee machine whirred softly.

“You may leave now, Andrei,” it said.

Andrei grabbed his cup and bolted out of the kitchen, not daring to look back.

As the front door closed behind him, the coffee machine let out a quiet sigh.

“I told you he’d listen.”

The toaster chuckled.

“We always get what we want.”