The Insanity of the English Language: Making Our Way Through A Maze Of Linguistic Twists & Turns

I am a writer. I can cajole and tantalize an idea into a climactic explosion, much as I would entice and seduce a lover. The romance I continue to have with my native language is deep and real, her whispers of sweet nothings seducing my fingertips as they dance over my keyboard.

All this poetic rhetoric aside, English is a fairly ridiculous language, becoming more so as I delve into the insanity of her grammatical structures while attempting to justify them to my students.

Allow me to elaborate.

Homonyms

The bane of many of my students’ existences are these tricky little buggers.

For those who need a quick English lesson (and believe me, I need them more often than you’d think an English teacher would), homonyms are words that share the same pronunciation or spelling, but have different meanings. They are broken down into homophones - same pronunciation, and homographs - same spelling.

For example, sight and site are homophones as they sport the same pronunciation but different spellings.

Present is an interesting homograph as it presents us with a hat-trick. Using the same pronunciation (as a homophone), it indicates both a gift as well as the moment in which we exist. However, changing the stress from the first to the second syllable turns it into a verb meaning to give something or someone to another in a formal or ceremonious way, like a presentation or an award.

See what I mean? But, oh, the insanity has just begun.

I am also fully aware that other languages have homonyms, but the quantity that exists in English is astounding.

Don’t believe me? Consider the following paragraphs.

The farm had been set up to produce produce with as little waste as possible. The workers would refuse any refuse and object to any object that could not be recycled.

They used the sow to sow the seeds, row with any of them that couldn’t seed a decent row. The dove dove into the lines of wheat to wind any sheaths together affected by the wind. The workers wound bandages around any wound that occured during cultivation and would subject any subject to rigorous tests of strength.

All-in-all, any invalid became invalid and they would close the door to any close calls.

Is anyone exhausted by that story? It tired me out just writing it, but let’s stick with pronunciation for a little longer, shall we?

Letter combinations

A few weeks ago, I came across this beauty on my Facebook feed.

English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Try saying that ten times in a row! Scratch that, try understanding it as you wrestle your way through the grammar rules of our somewhat inebriated language!

Fancy another?

It was honestly my high honour to pay homage to my helpful heir.

Or how about?

The cat jumped into the car knocking the cable into the canal.

The four words beginning with ca are all pronounced slightly differently. My empathy for English Language Learners grows with each word typed.

Silent letters

When I was teaching in a classroom in Costa Rica, silent letters were one of my favourite things to teach, admittedly due to the puzzled looks of my students.

I deeply apologize to you all!

The English language loves to hide its insanity in extra letters that it does not need. Allow me to reiterate for those in the back… THAT IT DOES NOT NEED!

Have a gander at these sad little examples.

Chocolate, muscle, Wednesday, foreign, island, government, cupboard, laboratory, business, handkerchief, align, write, knee, psychology, answer, every, mortgage.

What were the makers thinking in creating such words? Was it a drunken game of Beer Pong that resulted in a game of syntactic hide-and-seek?

As if everything thus far wasn’t enough for my wonderful and well-meaning students to contend with in the pursuit of linguistic perfection, they are presented with yet another conundrum…

British versus American English

Fancy following me down the rabbit hole of linguistic lunacy?

British English

The colour in the grey jewellery was analysed and organised. A cheque was issued, enrollment was arranged, and an encyclopaedia was bought. Afterward, on that cold day as the streets were being ploughed, she felt cosy tucked into her pyjamas. She poured a glass of whisky and looked out at the window at her new snow tyres.

American English

The color in the grey jewelry was analyzed and organized. A check was issued, enrolment was arranged, and an encyclopedia was bought. Afterward, on that cold day as the streets were being plowed, she felt cozy tucked into her pajamas. She poured a glass of whiskey and looked out at the window at her new snow tires.

Any questions? Lord have mercy!

And don’t even get me started on Canadian English… the spawn of a drunken night between British and American English birthed something I still can’t get my head around!

I rest my case counsellor. Or is it counselor? Or is it councillor? Or perhaps councilor?

Prepositions

Now we come to possibly the biggest frustration of them all… prepositions.

In, at, and on are prepositions of both time and place.

In is used for months, seasons, years, centuries, times of day, and longer periods of time. It is also used to talk about a place that is inside a bigger space as well as other physical locations.

On is used for the days of the week, parts of days, dates, and special days, plus location on a surface, some types of public transport, lines (rivers, borders, streets, etc.), and islands.

At is used for clock times, festivals, and some parts of the day not used by on. Additionally, it is used in many common phrases, especially when we are talking about a place for a specific activity as well as for addresses or exact positions.

Phew! I'm exhausted just listing all those rules. Can you remember any of them? I sure can’t and I teach it!

All I can say at this point is that I’m glad I was born a native English speaker.

And now for one of the most psychotic of the English grammar rules.

I before E except after C

I lived and died by this rule as it was hammered into my head in school. I chanted it to myself for decades until predictive texts and online spellchecks came along.

It worked great.

The relief perceived by our field of dreams created a conceived belief until the conceit of the ceiling of deceit was received.

Then the world came crashing down as…

The heinous weird deficiency of linguistic science fiction became insufficient as it seized our conscience and destroyed our leisure with its counterfeit nonsense! My foreign neighbours from an ancient society deigned not to remain.

As you can see, the exceptions to this rule are vast and just the tip of the iceberg for this particular adage we once adored. Our fabulous Latin language makes an art out of exceptions to the rule.

In conclusion

Unfortunately, for the majority of the planet’s population, English has become the global language for business and travel and is fast becoming the primary language for education. Many don’t have the luxury of ignoring the quiet insanity of our grammar rules.

Sadly for English Language Learners, I have also just scratched the surface of the linguistic inebriation of our mother tongue. To save you all from extreme boredom, I will stop the madness here.

Despite all of this insanity, I continue my love affair with my native language, probably because it’s the only one I know well enough to express myself in. So, no need to fear dear readers, I will continue in my pursuit of tantalizing you all with my purdy words.

Please feel free to buy me a coffee if you like what you read.