The Hug Hurdle

I have always hated it when random people touch me. I have been guilty of cringing when perfectly nice people have tried to pull me in for a little side hug. A pat on the back? I jump. This causes immediate suspicion. "What were you up to that made you jump that high? Something bad, FOR SURE!"

I'm not up to anything... At least, not anything I won't confess to on my Facebook page, where I run a personal column called Odd Confessions. Here's an example of one:

Odd confession no. 258

If you're like me, you have lived your entire life with an undercurrent of unhappiness regarding the coat you wear over your dress in the winter. You're leaving the church after a nice night in the snowy season, and your dress is fire, but the only coat you have highly resembles a) a bomber jacket, b) the still suits in 'Dune' (except yours is purple), or c) your membership plaid from Lumberjacks Inc. It seems like every single coat created (except one) is not meant to be worn over a dress because it's turning your A-line dress into a mermaid, making you look homeless, or some other insanity.

I bet you're wondering what kind of coat actually works. Well, it's a fur coat (faux fur. Don't get your knickers in a knot. Fake fur).

I have been trying on fur coats for ages in my search for the right one.

For starters, even faux fur coats cost an arm and a leg.

Secondly, if I see myself in a pure white fur coat, I want to punch myself out. Like, if I wore one out on the street and I got slapped across the face by a stranger, I'd be like, 'That's fair.'

Thirdly, the Lord gave brown bears and black bears their fur coats because he loved them, and he didn't want anyone to notice them until it was way too late. When I look at myself in the mirror wearing a dark fur coat, I can't see myself. I have faded into the clothing racks... where I will certainly find my next kill.

I've also tried really wild colors like bright purple. The upswing of that is that no one is going to accuse me of wearing real animal fur, so I won't get spray-painted, but... it is like shining a rapper spotlight on me. I'd better have a microphone in my pocket, or I might get spraypainted anyway.

To end the story, I did not think I would ever find the right fur coat for me, but I did. It's striped, like a Siberian tiger (or a really fluffy zebra). Black and white together is a really good look for me, and the black marks make it look like slapping me might not be such a good idea. I got it at Marshalls at an insanely low price... and it's Karl Lagerfeld brand... which made me run a Google search to see if Marshalls sold knockoffs. Apparently no.

I still haven't worn it out. But I like petting it when I notice it in the closet.

I posted that in September of 2024, so yes, I have worn it out now. I have come here to report that it has changed my whole perspective on hugging.

If I'm wearing my black and white fur coat, I am fine with anyone hugging me. For starters, it's going to be amazing... for them. Seriously, that is the reason why mobsters bought their girlfriends fur coats. It turns them into a floofy, warm teddy bear because it's so fun to the touch, it's crazy. Secondly, through the fur coat, nobody can feel anything about my body. I feel that my privacy has been utterly preserved. Thirdly, and this kind of connects to the second point, is that whatever happens to my nervous system that shocks me to death about people touching me has been appropriately alleviated. It's like putting in earplugs when it's too loud, putting in nose plugs when it's too smelly, putting on sunglasses when it's too bright, or whatever it is you do to choke down your food when you don't like it. It's putting something between you and the world around you that helps you exist in a world that (temporarily) doesn't sure you.

And I keep wondering why no one has said this before, or if they have, why wasn't the world listening? Having a sensory processing disorder is super common these days. Even though a hoodie is the common uniform for people with similar issues, and it is very handy for covering your eyes when you want to nap on the bus, you know what would be even better?

Yes. A fur hoodie. Need I say more?