Shits to Fucks

Shits to Fucks: The Definitive Guide to Quantifying Life’s Burdens

Disclaimer: This piece is meant for humorous and satirical purposes. No offense is intended—it is loosely based on a question my husband asked me when I used one of the terms, and he asked for a conversion table for clarification. Please read with a sense of humor!

There’s something they don’t tell you—well, actually, there are many things—but this one is particularly important. It’s about the amount of shit you have to deal with in life. Literally and figuratively.

The Literal Shit You Deal With

As a lifelong dog parent, I have literally picked up a fuck ton of shit in my lifetime. Shit load just doesn't cover it at this point. Training them to pee and poo outside—well, they don't know at first when they are puppies. They can't help it. They got to go when they got to go. Most places I have ever lived, I have had to pick up their shit—when it became a law, and that exponentially increased every dog owner's daily dealing with shit. By a fuck ton.

As a parent, the scales get tipped even further. I also have two children—no one tells you that you will literally be buried in a mountain of shit that gets expelled seemingly hourly for the first year—contained to some degree by a diaper. But not always. If they told you that, you might think twice about having kids. A fuck ton of your daily shit is their shit.

Then comes potty training—the toddler’s Wild West, trying to be tamed and trained to use the toilet. Don’t pee in your pants! Run to the bathroom, pull down the pants, aim, and shoot! AIM! Ugh, the piss. The boys and their piss. There’s a fuck ton of piss you have to deal with too. And don't blame the dog for the log of poo that is in the middle of the floor - you may find more than one if you head towards the nearest bathroom.

The Figurative Shit You Deal With

Comedians have long rambled about shit, but today, we’re diving into something even more profound: the conversion of ‘shits’ to ‘fucks.’

Let’s break this down with an example.

Picture this: Jamie is talking to his friend John about the amount of work he has.

Jamie says, “That’s a shit load of work you have to do.”

Translation: John is working late tonight, but it’s manageable. He’ll get through it, probably with a couple of cups of coffee and mild resentment. Maybe a deep sigh or two.

Now, if Jamie instead says, “That’s a shit ton of work you have to do, John,” things are getting serious. A shit ton is not simply the same as a shit load. No, no—it’s at least double the burden. At this point, John might need an all-nighter, an existential crisis, and an energy drink that’s probably illegal in some countries. He may also start questioning his career choices.

But what if Jamie escalates things further?

“That’s a fuck load of work, John.”

Ah, now we’re really in it. A fuck load is not the same as a shit ton. A fuck load surpasses a shit ton in intensity and sheer weight of responsibility. John is now contemplating his life choices. He may start looking up remote cabin rentals or monastery retreats, wondering if life in solitude is the way to go.

And finally, the nuclear option:

“That’s a fuck ton of work, John.”

At this point, John isn’t just working late—he’s considering disappearing into the woods and starting a new life. A fuck ton is the highest level of quantifiable overwhelmingness on this scale. This is when you know someone is truly doomed in their workload.

The Science of Swearing: A Mathematical Breakdown

To ensure absolute clarity, here’s the definitive mathematical conversion of these burden measurements:

• 1 shit load = baseline level of burden (annoying, but doable)

• 1 shit ton = at least 2 or more shit loads (significant workload, possibly soul-sucking)

• 1 fuck load = 2 shit tons (meaning at least 4 shit loads, heavy existential dread begins)

• 1 fuck ton = at least 3 fuck loads (meaning at least 12 shit loads, or the work equivalent of pure, unfiltered despair)

To put it in relatable terms - but I use hours loosely as sometimes it can be literally weight-related. But for those who like to know how to schedule for a shit load or fuck ton of work , here you go...

• A shit load is a couple no less than 3 more hours of extra work.

• A shit ton is no less than 2x a shit load.

• A fuck load is having no less than 6x a shit load

• A fuck ton is at least but not limited to no less than 12x a shit load

Practical Applications of This Scale

Now that we’ve established the proper conversion chart, let’s examine real-world scenarios in which this classification system applies.

• Customer Service: A shit load of work is handling a couple of rude customers. A fuck ton is working Black Friday, handling rude customers, all without a lunch break.

• Parenting: A shit load of work is cleaning up after a toddler on daily basis. A fuck ton is realizing they just flushed your car keys down the toilet, causing the toilet to clog and flood all over the floor and down the stairs. With little toddler poo floating by.

• College Life: A shit load is writing a 5-page paper in a couple of days. A fuck ton is realizing it’s due at midnight, and you haven’t started.

Pop Culture and Comedy: The Power of Words

Some of the best comedic minds have explored the power of words, particularly the weight of 'shit' versus 'fuck.'

One of my favorite bits is from comedian Ismo, he's from Finland and he is hysterical. He talks about how often we use 'shit' in everyday conversations and how it's really amazing and a very flexible word. Which it is.

And of course, there’s George Carlin’s classic take on the word 'fuck,' a masterclass in linguistic absurdity.

Final Thoughts: Use This Knowledge Wisely

Now that you’re equipped with the ultimate burden measurement system --go forth and categorize your struggles accordingly. And next time someone tells you they have a ‘fuck ton’ of work, don’t just sympathize—buy them a drink. They need it.

After all, language is about communication, and if ‘fuck ton’ doesn’t communicate distress properly, I don’t know what does.

Oh, and just so you know, if you don’t give a shit about something, you sure as hell don’t give a fuck about it either.