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John Peters <[email protected]>

To: All Staff

CC:

Subject: Quarterly Report

Hi guys

I have the link to our quarterly report. You can find it below, and you should be able to access all the facts and figures.

[Link]

Have a great day

John

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Arran Jones <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC:

Subject: WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

John!

That link you sent, did you check it beforehand? It’s not taking me to our quarterly report; it’s taking me to a porn website. More specifically, it’s taking me to your personal profile and all your saved videos.

What the hell were you thinking? How has this happened? Message me back ASAP

Arran

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Darren Clarke <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC:

Subject: Inappropriate Email Communications

John

I’ve just received your email, and I can’t quite believe what I’m seeing. That link you sent me is completely unacceptable. I’ve contacted HR, and we will be scheduling a meeting as soon as possible.

Needless to say, I’m disgusted and disappointed in you.

Regards

Darren Clarke

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Chloe Winters <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC: Darren Clarke

Subject: Meeting

Hi John

After your email today, Darren and I have decided to set up a meeting with you to discuss your future with Magna Corp. Obviously, you’ve been here for several years, and so far, you have been a model employee, but today’s incident cannot go unnoticed.

We have scheduled a meeting for tomorrow, first thing, and expect you to be there. Please click the link below to confirm that you have read this message and can attend the meeting.

[Link]

Regards

Chloe

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Jeremy Smith <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC:

Subject: What were you thinking?

Hi John

I’ve known you a long time, and I’ve known your parents for even longer. While you got this job based on a strong interview and an excellent CV, it is no secret that your father’s and my decades-long friendship was a factor.

That’s why I cannot believe that you would send something so disgusting to me, and to everyone at this company. Sandra has had to go home early to recover. Elaine has gone as white as a sheet! Is these the sort of things you watch? Look, I know that they’re all legal, but my God!

Back in my day, a pair of breasts and a crossword in your newspaper was about as raunchy as it got. But after seeing your personal video list I’m starting to wonder whether you have some sort of mental deficiency.

Needless to say, I’ve forwarded the email to your parents, and you can expect a response from them within the hour. I just hope to God that your father has taken his heart medication.

Yours Truly

Jeremy Smith

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Anna Byrne <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC:

Subject: Dumped

I’ve tried calling you about 50 times, but your phone keeps going to voicemail, so I guess I’ll just have to email you - that seems to be your favourite form of communication at the moment!

Look – Penny just forwarded me the email you sent, and seriously WHAT THE FUCK? Is that what you like? It’s fucking weird. I can’t believe that I’ve been dating you.

It’s over, you can pick up your things from the flat tomorrow, my flatmate will deal with you. He’s also seen the link, and he said that he’d “always suspected that you were a fucking perv”.

Anna

P.S. Penny says you’re getting fired tomorrow

P.P.S I’m keeping the blue hoodie

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Jodie Brown <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC:

Subject: Your side of the story

Hi John

I hope you don’t mind, but we will be running a story on your email faux pas, and I wanted to hear your side of the story before we publish. It would be great if you could message me with replies to the following questions:

• How do you think this happened?

• Do you understand how links work?

• What did your colleagues think?

• Will you ever be able to go out in public again?

• Do you consider yourself a sexual deviant?

• Was the sending of the link a cry for help?

Thank you for your time – as I mentioned at the beginning of this email, the story will be published tomorrow morning regardless of whether you reply or not, but do consider it. I’m not saying that a response from you will mitigate everything, but it may do some damage limitation.

Cheers

Jodie Brown

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Keith Peters <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC:

Subject: Why?

Hi Son

Your mother and I received your email; Jeremy forwarded it to us. At first, we hoped that it was one of those scam emails, and that Jeremy had been hacked. Like your Auntie was that time she travelled to Morocco to meet her new husband and ended up £30K in debt and without a passport.

But, after a phone call, it turns out that you really did send that link. To everyone at your company? Why? What made you do such a thing?

Unfortunately, your mother was with me when I clicked the link, and she had one of her funny turns. I couldn't get the videos to stop (Jeremy says that it was on autoplay), and you know how my phone volume is always stuck on the highest setting.

We were asked to leave the Waitrose, and I had to put back all of our shopping while the video kept playing loudly from my pocket.

I’ve taken mum to the local walk-in clinic, and am emailing you from her phone (I ended up throwing mine into the canal after the Waitrose debacle). The triage nurse says that she’s going to be okay, but we’re waiting for the results of her scan.

While we do love you with all our hearts, we’re going to need to spend a little time apart for now. We hope you understand, it’s just that whenever we picture your face, those videos swim into our vision.

Dad

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Dr Alex Davids <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC:

Subject: Our next appointment

Hi John

Your father contacted me, and has forwarded me the link. I think he was hoping that I’d be able to explain why you have done such a – and this is my professional opinion – creepy thing.

But, in all my years as a therapist, I have never experienced something that has filled me with such second-hand embarrassment. I am ashamed for you. Do you understand? I am ashamed on your behalf.

It’s an emotion I’ve never experienced before, and one that I hope never to experience again. You need help, professional help, and as embarrassing as it is for me to admit … I am not qualified enough to be of service.

It is with great sadness that I have to end our sessions together. You have broken me as a doctor, you have broken me as a man. I am sorry that I could not fix you, and I pray that I can fix myself.

Yours

Dr Alex Davids MBACP (retired)

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John Peters <[email protected]>

To: John Peters

CC:

Subject: Bad Dream

Hi John

This is just a reminder that you have never worked for Magna Corp. It’s not even a real company. You also don’t know what a quarterly report is, and even if you did, that’s not how things work in real businesses. People don’t send quarterly reports to the entire company using links.

So calm down, this is just a nightmare.

But, it’s not all good news, there’s definitely a strong possibility that you’ve wet the bed. Like, the duvet feels damp, and not sweat-damp if you know what I mean?

This was definitely not the ideal time to wet the bed. You’re staying at Arran’s house, and his wife already dislikes you. You’re 35 years old for Christ’s sake. Get your shit together.

Thanks

John