Make Quick Cash Now by Teaching Your Hands to Multitask

This morning, I saw a woman using two shovels simultaneously to clear snow from her driveway.

It. Was. Incredible!

I nearly drove into a parked car as I watched with astonishment at how she handled the tools in both hands. And please, understand me; these were full-sized shovels.

One black and one yellow, she maneuvered those suckers with grace and ease.

Again, incredible!

It was as though the things were extensions of her arms, the way she used them independently of one another. At one point, she was piling up snow from the driveway while also angling her body, and then she started shovelling the sidewalk, too.

As I watched the woman work with a cigarette hanging from her blue-tinged mouth, I realized I needed to get my life together.

I barely can keep up shovelling my front stoop, let alone doing the driveway and sidewalk in record time, due to the fact that I’ve taught both my hands to separately wield a shovelling device.

Think of the plowing possibilities, people!

I’m relatively small, so I understand how difficult learning this new skill will be. A normal-sized shovel is nearly the same height as me. When I imagine trying to expertly handle not one but two, I don’t see any good coming from the attempts.

There I’ll be imagining my muse, with her two shovels, cigarette, and loads of snow she succeeded in removing within a 2-minute timeframe before my very eyes. Meanwhile, I’ll be stuck on where to even hold the contraptions because maneuvering an enormous rod of that size is difficult one-handed.

*Sly-faced emoticon*

That will indeed be the biggest challenge to this new quest of mine — the handling of both shovels at once. What will make matters worse is that recently, I’ve taken to wearing absurdly thick mittens during these cold Canadian winters because the older I get, the more brittle my fingies are.

Yesterday, I truly believed my pointer fingers would snap off at the knuckle merely from being outside for three minutes after scraping my car’s windshield.

But just like how I trained myself to curl my hair with a flat iron, after approximately 148 hours of trial and error, I’ll call myself moderately adequate at my newly learned skill.

Then, think of the money I’ll make.

Because obviously, I wouldn’t use my newly acquired abilities for only my own property.

I’d do as the influencers do and market that shit.

Patty the Plow is what they’ll call me (because that’s what I’ll tell them to call me, and also, I like alliteration, sue me) and boy howdy will they be amazed by my exceptionally average shovelling skills.

And why stop at snow shovelling? Yes! I can double-dig garden patches and long-jump sand pits for schools. And for my more shadier clientele, I may even be able to turn over a shallow grave for the right price.

Just kidding. I’m not that evil.

But I am currently unemployed, so I can’t honestly say no to work at this point. So, uh, just use the codeword “Gravedigger” when and if you call me for such services.

Once getting the hang of all that shovelling, think of what else I could make money with by using both hands simultaneously.

The goddamn world will be my oyster.

Oyster shucking, for example! On second thought, this one would work only if my hands grew superhuman strength.

But there are other things I could do.

Things like dog grooming.

Need both your dogs groomed? No problem-o, I got ya covered at half of the time. Except because I will be so awesome at dog grooming two dogs at once, I’ll be forced to charge you double the price.

LRB’s Dashing Dog Grooming: 2 dogs for the price of 4 at half the time of 2.

A perfect slogan if I’ve ever heard one.

I obviously can’t get into all the business ideas that are rolling through my brain right now because I need to patent that shit, but you get the point. If you are unemployed like me, your only real option is to be like my cigarette snow queen muse and teach your hands to multitask.

You’ll thank me later for this.