Laughing at Crisco's Cherry Pie

Ingredients

Classic Crisco Pie Crust – double crust

4 cups sour cherries

1 cup granulated sugar

¼ C. Corn Starch

1 tsp. Pure Vanilla Extract

½ tsp. Pure Almond Extract

1 egg

2 Tbsp. Water

3 Tbsp. Coarse sugar

So far, none of this too weird or anything. The Crisco double pie crust is not a product that can be bought in a store. Rather, you have to go buy a ton of Crisco and make it at home. 

Does anyone bake at home anymore? 

Maybe it's something that started happening again during the pandemic. People were making all sorts of things, so it's not unreasonable that Crisco double pie crust would be one of those recipes that saw a resurgence. And Americans love a comeback story. 

Still, weird crust aside, this list of ingredients makes a lot of sense. The eggs are the same price as a mortgage, but hey, you can make a dozen pies and try to earn some of that money back. 

Either by selling them or collecting life insurance. 

Bad jokes aside, selling these at a bake sale might not be the wisest thing. Sure, they're delicious, but Big Fundraiser will be after you to make more of them. They know a hot product when they see crowds of people fighting over it. 

With that out of the way, how do we make this thing?

Directions (with commentary)

Prepare the pie dough as directed for a double crust. 

What? You thought they were going to tell you how to make it? That's not how it goes, you have to search for it. The only thing they want is more money. 

Preheat oven to 425° and place a large piece of foil on a baking sheet. 

There's nothing to make fun of here and it boils my bottom. This is actually a decent instruction. 

Using one half of the prepared pie dough, line a 9 or 10-inch pie pan, allowing excess dough to hang over the sides.

Remember that double Crisco pie crust? Here's where you use it. 9 or 10 inches.... of a pan. And yes, gentlemen on the internet, size does matter when you're master baking. 

In a large bowl, combine the cherries, sugar, corn starch, vanilla extract and almond extract.

Here's where the filling comes in. But make sure those cherries are dry. Seriously, they say multiple times that the cherries need to be dry. Don't make them put it in the recipe more that the cherries need to be dry. 

Stir until well combined.

Did this need to be an instruction. Would people just put the cherries, vanilla extract, corn starch, and almond extract in a bowl and do nothing with it? Just sit and watch it? 

Actually Crisco, fair point. 

Pour into the pie shell.

Again this seems like something that should be obvious. But people. 

Roll out the remaining pie dough and cut into 11 strips and top the pie in a lattice, finishing the edges as desired.

Making it pretty is not obvious. But if you want to win that pie baking competition or sell a dozen pies to make your money back, it needs to be beautiful and tasty. 

In a small bowl, whisk together the egg and water until well blended.

Watering down the egg will make it go further. And thickening up the water with egg will make you go broke. 

Using a pastry brush, apply the egg mixture to the dough then sprinkle with coarse sugar.

They forgot nothing. Not even the coarse sugar, which nobody uses anymore, do they? Isn't it like landlines? Or Yahoo?

Place pie pan on top of the foil and bake for 20 minutes.

But this is only part one of the baking. Don't go thinking that this is it. No, no. There's more baking to be done. 

Reduce oven temperature to 350°F and continue baking for an additional 40–45 minutes.

And make sure the pie doesn't burn. No one wants burnt cherry pie. Even Cool Whip can't cover up that taste. 

I know, I tried. 

When the pie is done, allow it to cool for 12–24 hours at room temperature. This will allow the pie to set up enough to get clean slices.

Because the pie has a mind of its own, don't ya know. If you try cutting it early, the pie will be like "Sir, you were told to wait 12 hours. Now I will not allow you to get a slice."

And if your pie doesn't talk to you, have you made a Crisco cherry pie?