Language Confusion

😜 The problem with being smart is that people eventually expect you to prove it.

"So, I hear you speak 17 languages."

Of course I don't speak 17 languages fluently. Or even modestly competently. I can manage English and... well... nod my head at the right times when presented with a few other languages.

Well, I can count to 10 in English, Spanish, German, French, and Latin. I can say please and thank you in those languages along with Japanese, Chinese, Italian, and Portuguese, but that doesn't even come close to 17. And by no means comes close to fluent.

Some rumors come out of nowhere, but I know where this one came from.

I was really good at using Google Translate long before anyone knew it existed. If a coworker had a document in Farsi or Mongolian, I'd translate it for them. Well, Google Translate would translate it for them and I'd keep that secret to myself.

Now I'm not really incompetent when it comes to other languages.

I took German in college, so I do know enough that the occasional movie with simple German dialog isn't a problem, especially when the subtitles are on. I grew up in Texas and learned Spanish on the streets -- but I have absolutely no understanding of proper Spanish grammar and my vocabulary is pretty much limited to girls, food, insults, and girls. My French girlfriend in college taught me, among other things, enough of her language to understand what she was saying when we were fogging up the windows of my old car.

Thankfully, that's about all it takes to impress many people.

"So, I hear you speak 17 languages."

I simply shake my head. "Don't believe everything you hear. I can barely manage English."

"And I heard you were modest."

I laugh. "Well, I can say please and thank you when I travel. Do you have something you need translated?" (Why do they never say "modest and incredibly good looking?)

So off I go to Google Translate and polish up my reputation even more.

Google translate will take a sentence like "With your father's issues, it's out of sight, out of mind" and translate it into Latvian. So far so good, right?

Not so fast!

You need to take the Latvian and translate it back to English to see that your Latvian translation is "Your father has issues. He is invisible and insane." Present your initial translation back to your coworker to present to his Latvian customer and see how long you work there.

So adjust the wording. Second try you get "Your father is concerned about being invisible and that makes him insane."

Then "Concerned fathers are invisible and insane."

Each iteration gets you a little closer.

Then finally, when you get something you think will be translated right, you take it to one of your friends who actually speaks Latvian and ask him. "No, you can't say that. The tense is all wrong. You just ordered the customer's father to hide and be forgotten."

Have them mark it up, then type it back into Google translate and find out that the little squiggle over the e and that inverted Q actually makes a difference.

Four hours later, you finally have something you can give to your coworker and cross your fingers.

Or you can do like most Americans -- you can assume that all that they need to do to be better understood by speakers of foreign languages is to shout louder.

Or in the modern world, I guess you can try typing in all caps.

Did I make you laugh? Want more? Here are a few more of my humor columns on Vocal

Fortune Favors the Bold

Why Clickbait is Wonderful

Language Confusion

Waddling to Work

What, Me Volunteer?

I'm an Urban Legend

Life Under the Glide Path

I Miss My Hair

I'm a Kennedy Cousin

Super-Secret Diet Secrets

My Dogs Love me. Honest!

Yucky Foods!

Trapped in K-Mart

Geminis are Skeptics

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