Kitsch, Bang, Aliens

The first astronaut with an OnlyFans account landed on Mars today, making history for the sex worker community.

"I'm just so proud," said Payload Specialist Patricia Penrose, better known by her online persona Patty Payload. "I couldn't have done this without my fans. Speaking of which, make sure to subscribe to my channel for all my lewdest Mars content!"

This is the second time Penrose has made history after being the first person to perform sexual intercourse in a zero gravity environment. Whether Patty Payload was indeed the first human to have sex in space has since become disputed and refuted by many in astronaut circles.

"She holds the record for it because she was live-streaming," said astronaut and Docking Pilot Phil Mulligan, better known as iconic drag queen Ida Filth. "But honey, she was not the first queen to do the nasty in space, okay? Shine a black light around the International Space Station, and you'll see what I mean."

Penrose joins a team of scientists inhabiting a compound on Mars whose mission is to terraform the planet and make it habitable for humankind. Some appear happier than others, however, with the most recent addition to the Mars crew. When questioned about how she feels at no longer being the only woman on Mars, Commander Emily Birch reportedly stated, "This is so dumb."

What Patty Payload's responsibilities will be on this Mars mission remains somewhat ambiguous. In the official brief from NASA, her responsibilities are outlined as "boosting morale for Mars dweebs," "increasing hot factor" and "sexy deterrent."

When questioned about the last item, the White House offered comment to clarify: "She's a ten," said the President of the United States. "We could use more astronauts like her; she's truly phenomenal. Aliens are real, by the way. I'm not sure if you knew. UFOs are real. We've been dealing with extra terrestrials since the 1960s. Before that, even. It's only lately that we've been in more direct contact. What's important is that we get more hot people into outer space. The aliens, they love it. I think if all our astronauts were as hot as Patty Payload, we could push the alien invasion back a few more years. Who knows? Maybe even a few decades."

The current administration aims to improve extra terrestrial relations with advertisements, entertainment, and rebranding to optimize the message that humans are fun and should definitely not get exterminated. Mars' new orbital space station, for example, will soon include a strip club called Dock & Bang. Plans are also underway for Mars' first theme park to open late next year inside the city dome. The city dome contains enough oxygen to breath safely and has an average temperature capable of sustaining organisms native to Earth. While much of the developed and terraformed space within Mars' more hospitable environments were originally reserved for housing and institutions for science and learning, many of those spaces are being repurposed for entertainment spaces with liquor licenses.

"We gotta make space for partying," said Mars' head civil engineer with a shrug. "What's the point of living on Mars if you can't live it up?"

Patty Payload's first video uploads from Mars are already available for streaming or digital download on a variety of adult websites. Many of these videos appear to capitalize on the lower gravity of Mars to feature certain "bouncing" physics that scientists are still studying.

"I just want sex workers back on Earth to know that they can go anywhere and do anything," said Patty Payload. "As long as you believe in yourself and sell yourself, the sky's the limit!"