How to Survive a Horror Movie: A Practical Guide for People Who Actually Want to Live

Look, if I ever find myself in a horror movie, I already know I’m making it to the end credits. Why? Because unlike 90% of these characters, I have common sense. If you’re reading this, congratulations—you now have a survival guide. Take notes.

Step 1: Don’t Move Into the Creepy-Ass House

If the real estate agent says, “It has a rich history,” that means people died there. If the price is too good, that means people violently died there. If the walls are whispering? Immediate eviction. My lease is null and void.

Step 2: Do Not Investigate That Noise

If you ever find yourself saying, “Hello? Is someone there?”—just know you’re already dead. If something crashes in another room, it ain’t your business. If a door slams shut by itself? Leave. Immediately. You are not an exorcist, you are not a paranormal investigator, you are not The Chosen One. Mind your damn business.

Survival Response:

Creepy noise in the basement? Nope. Weird scratching in the attic? Bye. TV flickers on by itself? That’s a landlord problem, not mine.

Step 3: The Woods Are Off-Limits

I don’t know what kind of enchanted, demon-infested forests y’all keep walking into, but my black ass? Not going. If the town elders say, “Don’t go past the old oak tree,” guess what? I’m setting up a five-mile perimeter around that damn tree.

Step 4: If Your Friend Acts Slightly Weird, They’re Possessed—Cut Them Off

Your bestie who was just fine suddenly has a deep, guttural voice and their eyes roll back? Nah, that’s a demon. Don’t ask, “Are you okay?” They’re not. And you trying to “help” is exactly how you end up a missing person.

Survival Response:

Possessed friend: “Help me…”

Me: “Mm-mm, you’re in God’s hands now.”

Step 5: The Group Stays Together—No Exceptions

Look, I don’t care what horror logic says—splitting up is never the right choice. Someone always suggests, “We’ll cover more ground if we split up.” NO. WE. WON’T. We will cover one body at a time until we’re all dead.

Survival Response:

Group votes to split up? Not me. I’ll be in the car.

Step 6: Don’t Read the Ancient Book

If you find an old book written in a dead language with bloodstains on the cover and it whispers when you touch it, maybe—just maybe—don’t read it out loud. Why do y’all never learn? If it’s wrapped in chains, it’s wrapped for a reason.

Step 7: White People, Stop Asking “Who’s There?”

If you hear creepy footsteps, don’t yell, “Hello?” The killer/demon/ghost doesn’t owe you an introduction. If I hear something moving in the dark, I’m assuming it’s death itself and I’m leaving, immediately.

Survival Response:

“Who’s there?”

Me, already outside, keys in hand: “Not me, bitch.”

Step 8: If You Trip, Get the Hell Up

I swear, horror movie characters have the weakest ankles known to man. They sprint five steps, trip over absolutely nothing, and just…accept death. Couldn’t be me. My fight-or-flight instinct is set to Usain Bolt Mode.

Final Rule: If All Else Fails—Just Leave

If your house is haunted, move. If your friend is possessed, block them. If there’s a masked killer in town, book a flight. If the TV says, “Don’t turn around,” guess what? I am turning ALL the way around and walking the hell out.

Now, I know this is not my usual content. I just let my intrusive thoughts win sometimes.