Fur-bitten Love

I am not a fan of the paranormal romance genre. Readers blissfully ignore potential problems in monster romance, and I applaud that. Reading is about living in the author’s mind, but I can’t get past the red flags that I see in those relationships.

These problems couldn’t be more apparent than in the stereotypical paranormal relationship between a male werewolf and a female vampire. I could see the attraction between the two species. They both have bright, shiny teeth of varying lengths, great hair, strength, and stamina. Vampires seem to have an aristocratic air, while werewolves are more grounded and animalistic. So they should balance each other out. Neither partner needs a traditional job. They have lots of free time for each other. Small gifts of live chickens and cowering villagers are so sweet. Night times seem magical, with full moons bringing out the wild side. They can run free side by side, without limits or morals, leaving carcasses in their wake. The vampire thirsts for blood, and the werewolf wants the flesh. It could even be an ecologically sound relationship.

This broad view, however idyllic it may seem, overlooks the day-to-day details. For starters, is the pickup literal? When the vampire bites the werewolf on the back of the neck, does he go limp like a pup? Sleeping arrangements are not ideal. When the lid goes on the coffin in the morning, the werewolf gets anxious about being crated up. Of course, he wants his favorite toy, but she has a rule about bringing the fetch stick to bed in case someone should get stabbed with it in the middle of the night.

Shedding also becomes a real issue for the tidy vampire. Nobody wants fur on their cape. It gets in the coffin and even on the toothbrush. And God forbid, he brings home fleas! Once, she came home to the joyful surprise of all her expensive silk underwear with the crotches chewed out.

These romance novels don’t look beyond a few weeks. A full-moon honeymoon, if you will, but when you have an eternity to consider, we get other issues. The vampire fell for the wolf, but what happens when she wakes up next to a human who has man flu? He is full of snot and whines, and she is disgusted and counting the days until her hellbeast returns to her. The vampire is always going to look as lovely as the day that she was created, but it isn’t long before complaining about hip pains is all our wolfy talks about. The age jokes and how every year feels like seven are going to get old, even when no one else does. She is going to get tired of the “doggy style” cliché sex, but oral sex from a vamp warrants more than a polite, “no thanks.”

Life isn’t about just curling up with blood and guts together. When she goes out, and he gets jealous, the testosterone flows, and it often literally becomes a pissing contest. She ends up with a wet leg and a temper no one wants to see. And scratches from strangers? Out of the question.

I am all for getting lost in fictitious worlds, but these romances stretch my imagination too far. The sex scene might be hot, but I know what wet dog smells like. Too much pulsing and throbbing is going to make a vampire tear someone to shreds. The fantasy for me is humans who debate over who will pay for dinner, not who is dinner, at least not on a first date.