Dating Profile of a Time Traveler

Dating Profile of a Time Traveler

Genre: Humor / Sci-Fi / Romance

Challenge: The Second First Time

Name: Eliot V. Tempus

Age: Complicated

Profession: Quantum Navigator / Part-Time Historian / Former Pharaoh (briefly)

Location: Currently 2025, give or take a few seconds

Bio:

Hi! I’m Eliot. I’ve loved and lost across the centuries, and I’m finally looking to settle down… at least in one temporal plane. I enjoy long walks on prehistoric beaches, candlelit dinners during power outages in Victorian London, and stargazing from Roman rooftops before they were ruins.

Swipe right if you’re into bad puns, paradoxes, and unpredictable aging.

Profile Journal Entry #1: 1347 AD (Mistake #12)

Matched with a baker’s daughter in Florence. Everything was going well until I sneezed and accidentally introduced the concept of hand sanitizer. Now she thinks I’m a plague demon. Her father tried to exorcise me with breadsticks.

Note to self: Avoid medieval pandemics. Again.

Profile Journal Entry #2: 2098 AD (Too Early for Feelings)

Matched with an AI dating algorithm named LuLu9000.

She said I was “statistically satisfying” and offered to genetically optimize our future children before our second date.

Romantic? Maybe.

Terrifying? Definitely.

I ghosted her by jumping back to the 1960s. No regrets. Except for the haircut I picked up there.

Profile Journal Entry #3: 2025 AD (Trying Again)

Back to modern dating apps. I matched with Clara, a museum curator.

Our first date went great—until she asked about my job.

Told her the truth. She laughed. Thought I was a method actor playing Doctor Who for YouTube.

She called me “committed to the bit.”

She still doesn’t believe me. I’m tempted to take her to the signing of the Magna Carta to prove it.

Tempted. But I promised myself no more first dates in 1215.

Fun Facts About Me:

I’ve been stood up by Cleopatra (she said she had "other empires to conquer").

My dog is technically immortal (a side effect of a miscalculated wormhole walk).

I was once married to someone who hadn’t been born yet. It got complicated. Especially at birthday parties.

I invented the sandwich three days before the Earl did, but I wasn’t looking for credit.

Looking For:

Someone who doesn’t mind spontaneous trips through time, who won’t freak out if I show up to a date in a toga or covered in lunar dust. Someone who believes in love, even if it’s temporally inconsistent. Bonus points if you enjoy debating whether or not “Back to the Future” is scientifically accurate (it’s not, but it’s charmingly wrong).

Profile Journal Entry #4: 1885 AD (The Cowboy Phase)

I got into a bar brawl over a Tinder match who wouldn’t exist for another 130 years.

Note: Carrying a smartphone in the Wild West is a bad idea.

Also, the phrase “swipe left” means something very different when you’re holding a revolver.

Profile Journal Entry #5: 2025 AD (Reconnecting)

Ran into Clara again.

She saw my profile had changed locations every time she refreshed it.

Started asking questions. Real ones.

I told her everything again. She listened this time.

She looked at me, dead serious, and asked,

“So… if you’ve seen the future, does this end badly?”

I didn’t know how to answer.

Because in one timeline, we fall in love and raise chickens in New Zealand.

In another, she forgets me completely.

In the worst one, she dies before we get our second date.

But in this timeline, right now, she was looking at me like I was real.

“I don’t care how it ends,” she said.

“Just tell me how it starts.”

Second First Date:

We met at a coffee shop in 2025. She wore red. I wore a 1970s leather jacket that hadn’t been cool in four decades but somehow fit the moment.

I ordered tea. She laughed and called me ancient.

I told her about the time I taught Einstein how to play ping pong.

She told me about her obsession with dinosaur documentaries.

I offered to take her to see one.

She thought I meant a museum.

I meant the real thing.

She didn’t run. She smiled.

We set a rule: No traveling to the future.

“Let’s let this one happen,” she said.

“No spoilers.”

Profile Update (Final Entry):

Status: Unmatched.

Not because I stopped dating,

But because I finally found someone worth staying in time for.

Clara doesn’t care that I can jump centuries.

She cares that I show up on time.

That I text back.

That I stay, even when I could run.

I once chased love through a thousand years.

Turns out, all I needed was one moment.

And maybe… the second first time.

Closing Thought:

Time travel taught me that love isn’t about finding the perfect moment.

It’s about making any moment worth staying in.

Even if you’ve been everywhere…

The right person makes you want to be here.

And maybe, for once, that’s enough.