Constipation

I'm sitting on the toilet waiting to have a shit. I have already read three newspapers and five books. I gave up pushing for five minutes because I felt hotter than a sauna!

"Push! Push! I'm pushing! Come on motherfucker!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

My husband can hear me downstairs and he shouts,

"Are you pregnant?"

I feel more frustrated than the supposed shit stuck up my arse, so I shout back,

"It's your fault!"

Everything goes quiet for ten minutes anyway.

"Push! Push! Come on motherfucker, we're nearly there!" I scream but my shit's not coming.

I really need to get this shit out!

I'm still sitting on the toilet five hours later, and my husband shouts,

"Have you murdered anyone yet?"

I shout back,

"Fuck-off!"

I feel like my insides are shriveling up like dry prunes, because of all the pushing, but I can't have a drink while needing to shit!

"Uhhh! Uhhh! Ugh! Come out you piece of shit!" I shout.

It doesn't work, then a lightbulb switches on inside my head, and I decide that doing some squats may push this annoying piece of shit right out!

"One....Two....Three....Four."

Nothing!

"Five....Six....Seven....Eight."

Still nothing!

"Nine....Ten....Eleven....Twelve!"

I sit on the toilet and give one big push.

I feel a hole opening, but it's not my anus hole! It's my vaginal hole instead. I now feel hot, bothered, and confused as I shout to my husband,

"Am I meant to shit out of my vagina? I feel something, but not in my anus hole!"

My husband runs upstairs after hearing me screaming so loud that I rattle the whole house.

I'm no longer sitting on the toilet; I decided that I would push better on all fours.

After all, it works in labor, so it might work for me too!

My husband is standing behind the door begging me to open it.

"Come on Carol, you've been in there hours. I really need a pee!" he complains.

"Uuugh! Fuck off! Uuuugh! Fuck off! Uuuuuugh! Fuck off!" I tell him.

I writhe around, squeezing my legs and my pelvic muscles, and pushing down on my chest without realizing it.

The thing I feel in my vagina now feels like a massive ball.

"Call an ambulance!" I cry "I'm shitting out of the wrong hole!"

My husband cracks up laughing, and says,

"You're not shitting out of the wrong hole! You're constipated!"

"Then why does my vagina feel full?" I ask him.

"It's not your vagina; it's your anus, where your arsehole is!" my husband replies.

I suddenly feel a massive POP! between my legs, and I start peeing uncontrollably!

"I've perforated my vagina!" I cry.

My husband is in a fit of laughter now, and he can't control his bladder any longer, so he decides to have a pee in the garden.

He comes back in five minutes later to hear me screaming,

"Get out of my vagina, you motherfucking bitch!"

I try to calm myself down, but this pain is like something from a horror story, and I have no painkillers.

"Arrrrgh! Arrrrgh! Arrrgh!" I scream louder.

"For fuck sake Carol, you're louder than the labor ward!

I give one more big push, then my vagina suddenly feels like a ball of fire. I breathe and push again. I suddenly feel a slither between my legs.

Then, I hear it; A loud "Whaaa! Whaaa! Whaaa!"

I feel too exhausted to look down, so I call to my husband,

"Does shit cry?"

I manage to unlock the door, and my husband enters the bathroom. He exclaims,

"Fuck! That's no shit you were constipated with darling. You were constipated with a baby!"

I respond with,

"Oh fuck!"