Certifiably Sane and Incredibly Rational

“Get back inside,” Kate said. She didn’t look happy.

“Just a couple more minutes, and I’ll come to bed,” I said.

“Rob, it’s two in the morning, it’s snowing, and you’re sitting on a lawn chair surrounded by empty beer bottles.”

“Bullshit it’s not two in the morning.”

“Babe, it’s a quarter past two. How drunk are you?”

“Only five”

“What? Five what?”

“Five beers,” I said.

“First off, I didn’t ask you how many beers you had. And second, you’re lying because I count at least seven empties scattered around your chair.”

What she hadn’t noticed was the three bottles I had under my blanket. I was in the pocket alright, a perfect drone hunting intoxication.

“Oh, and by the way, I can see the bottles under the blanket.”

Fuck, she got me. “Those aren’t bottles, I’m just happy to see you,” I shouted.

“Great, I’m flattered. Where is Benny?” Kate asked.

“He’s patrolling the perimeter; he’s covering my six and my nine. At this precise moment I believe he’s watching my three.”

“Okay, well he’s an overweight dog with anxiety issues, so I don’t think he’s covering your anything. Also, I don’t want him feeding off your paranoia, get him inside, now.”

“Benny! Let’s go!” I said.

The ninety-pound potbelly pig cosplaying as a dog came running out from behind the shed. He nearly knocked Kate to the floor as he raced through the back door.

“Benny, calm down,” she said. “Great, he’s all riled up, he’ll be an absolute menace now. Throw away those empty bottles and get your butt inside. It’s bedtime.”

I took off the blanket and struggled to get out of my chair. As I rose to my feet, I knocked over a few of the empty bottles. I hadn’t been upright for a few hours, and I was unsteady on my feet. I started to stumble, and this led to the realization that I was much drunker than I had anticipated. I collected my empties, tossed them in the trash, and made my way inside. I looked at the sky one final time before heading in, nothing but the moon and a few stars.

I walked into the bedroom and started to remove all my extra layers.

“You know you’re starting to get a little crazy with these drones. I really wish you’d give it a rest,” Kate said.

“I really wish I could give it a rest too, but we saw them, they’re out there, and now I have to know what they are,” I said.

“Yes, we saw them, two weeks ago, for thirty seconds. You haven’t seen one since, and I feel like you’re starting to lose it a bit. All your focus is on drones. We haven’t had sex in weeks.”

I heard what she said, but I wasn’t listening. I was too busy scrolling through the different reddit conspiracies. I was hoping to find someone who could offer up an explanation that would make sense. Oh, this fucker again, LongDoge69, a top post yet again. Get a life, you loser. This stupid idiot has been on here for the last week just going on and on about Iran and how his brother-in-law, who he claims to be a Senator, though he’s never stated state or federal, told him Iran’s sending spy drones from off the Atlantic Coast. I need to shut this guy up. I started typing…Listen LongDoge69, you’re so full of shit. You don’t know any senators. There’s no way your fat, gap toothed, hillbilly sister has a man. You’re a fear mongering Warhawk with a shit theory that makes absolutely no sense it also doesn’t even explain…

“Rob!” Kate said.

“Yes?” I answered.

“Are you on reddit?

“No?” She peered over my shoulder.

“You’re a liar. I can see that you’re on reddit. We’ve talked about this. You know it makes you spiral. You all get nervous and angry. See this is what you do, you become hyper fixated on something and then you completely spin out. You did the same thing with the Trump assassination. It was a week on reddit and YouTube, researching theories,” Kate said. She made air quotes when she said the word researching. “Analyzing angles, going to gun ranges, you were ready to visit PA before I stopped you.”

“I’m insulted by your use of air quotes and to be clear you didn’t stop my travels. What stopped me was my aversion to visiting states without direct coastal access,” I said.

“Fine, whatever, all I’m saying is that it’s not the best for your mental health. That’s all. Why don’t you try and relax, maybe read a little? Just please, I beg you, for the love of God, go to sleep.”

I decided to take her advice and opened the copy of ‘Cat’s Cradle’ I had on my nightstand. I started to read, but I couldn’t focus. I gave up after spending a few minutes reading the same sentence over and over again. Drones, drones, drones; that’s all I could think about. Sometimes real life is just more interesting. I put the book down, and I got out of bed. This woke up Benny.

“Oh, come the fuck on, Rob what are you doing? You woke the dog,” Kate said.

“I’m sorry Kate, but I have to go back out there,” I said.

Kate pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes tight, and let out an exasperated sigh. “Rob, we are done for the night. We are going to bed. No more drones.”

“Benny and I are just going to do one more sweep. What if I miss something?”

“No more sweeps. I promise you; you’re not going to miss anything. I’m going to put on the TV and the three of us are going to sleep.”

“But what if there’s an alien invasion?”

“If you miss the overnight alien invasion you can blame me, but you’re done drone hunting tonight.”

I thought about what she said. I considered the pros and cons of going back outside and had the recognition that my drone obsession was causing a major rift between us. I also thought, she has to do what she has to do, and I have to do what I have to do, but did I really want to die on this hill tonight?

“You’re right, I’m getting a little crazy. Let’s call it a night.”

“Are you getting up for work?” Kate said.

“I don’t think I’m feeling it today,” I replied.

“Okay, that’s fine take the day. If you’re going to be home all day though, what do you plan on doing?”

“I don’t know, maybe clean the house, do some laundry, read a bit. The world is my oyster.”

“I like the sound of that. All I ask is that you don’t spend all day online looking at drones and venturing down a bunch of weird rabbit holes.”

“Oh Kate, how little you think of me, the thought never even crossed my mind.”

“Yeah, okay, If I don’t leave now, I’m going to be late.” Kate looked at her phone. “Fuck, I’m already late, just try to do something productive and please, stay off your phone.”

“Yes, exactly, the obvious take is that they know, and initially that was my thought. However, while they know what the drones are, they don’t know what the orbs are. So, I’ve been researching this most of the day, and I believe that the orbs are basically these portals creating interdimensional alien access to this, our third dimension and…”

“Rob, what the fuck is this?”

“I’m sorry John, give me one sec. Kate, can’t you see that I’m on the phone?”

“Rob!” Kate yelled.

“John, let me call you back. What’s so urgent that it can’t wait until I’m off the phone?”

“Are you seriously asking me that?”

“It’s the Vaseline, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it’s the fucking Vaseline.”

“Full transparency, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”

“What? Why would you think I wouldn’t notice the ridiculous amount of Vaseline that is covering every inch of my fucking ceiling.”

“You mean OUR fucking ceiling; remember we are a team.”

“What is happening in this house? Can someone please explain it to me?” Kate looked up at the ceiling once more. A glob of jelly landed to her right, just missing her shoe.

“Alright, I can understand how someone just walking into this scene might think it’s a little crazy.”

“A little? Rob, this is bat shit.”

“I ask that you reserve all judgment till the end. I’m fully aware that covering the ceiling in what I want to be clear is Petroleum Jelly-I didn’t go name brand in an effort to be fiscally responsible, you’re welcome- is a bit outside the box. With all that being said, I did this for you, for us.”

“Thank you?”

“Perhaps a bit of context would help.”

“You know what, I think it would.”

“It’s just a precaution. I don’t necessarily believe it will do anything, but from my research I’ve discovered that the orbs may be emitting intense waves of radiation, which could explain the increased radiation levels throughout the tri-state. The jelly helps prevent these waves from penetrating the house and thus prolonging any type of radiation sickness or undesired genetic mutation.”

“Oh, you’ve lost your fucking mind. I now live with a certifiably insane person.”

“Well now you’re just being mean. Like I said I don’t really believe it, it’s just in case, precautionary.”

“How many hours were you on reddit today?”

“I actually spent zero hours on reddit, thank you very much.”

“So where did you get this idea?”

“12Chan, makes 4Chan look as mainstream as the Times.”

“Take it down, now,” Kate said. She slumped over and shook her head in defeat. Another glob of jelly fell from the ceiling, this time landing on the kitchen table.

I could understand where she was coming from. I mean the jelly was an eyesore, but I only put it up to protect her. It’s a safeguard, like wearing a helmet. Most of the time it doesn’t come into play, but you’re happy it’s on when you fall off your bike and your head doesn’t crack open. I can’t help that she won’t listen to reason. You can’t reason with crazy.

“Fine, I’ll take it down, but I’d really like you to start taking a daily iodine pill please. I’ve already started adding it to Benny’s food,” I said.

“Please don’t add anything to Benny’s food. You’re not a Vet.”

It’s been two weeks since I had covered the ceiling in petroleum jelly. Kate left the house and went to stay with her mother. She took Benny. I got fired from my job. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t show up for a week straight. I never bothered to call out; it seemed trivial compared to the research I was doing. I can’t remember the last time I showered or had something to eat. I only sleep a couple of hours a night now. I don’t leave the house before dark. All my days are spent indoors, researching, and all my nights outdoors, stargazing. I thought I saw another drone last week, but it turned out to be a plane. Then I thought I caught an orb on my cell phone, but it was just my thumb covering part of the lens. I knew this type of life wouldn’t be for the faint of heart. I’m one of the few people who possess the knowledge and discipline to see it through. I knew in my pursuit of the truth there would be disappointments and casualties.

“We’re getting some breaking news here regarding the drones that have been plaguing the Northeast,” the anchor said.

I sat up straight on the couch, all my attention directed towards the TV.

“We have just learned that the drones being seen throughout the skies of New York and New Jersey are courtesy of Disney. Yes, you heard that right, Disney in collaboration with Pixar, have been flying drones to drone up (the anchor laughs) some interest for their upcoming animated summer blockbuster, Drones. Wow, can you imagine that, and here we were all worried. Well, played Disney, I for one will be heading to theaters this July Fourth weekend.”

Well, that’s obviously a bunch of bullshit to throw me off the scent. That doesn’t even explain what the orbs are all about. This is the media lying to me yet again. I don’t believe that explanation for a second. I pulled out my phone. I had to see how everyone was reacting to this news, even if it wasn’t actual news. Everyone else online would know this was nonsense. It had to be. It must be.