🍉 BREAKING: Watermelons Declared Endangered — America Spirals Into Melon Meltdown

It started with a fungus. It ended with an entire country in full fruit-based hysteria. This is the story of what happens when you take away summer’s juiciest icon—and people lose their rind.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Department of Agriculture has officially declared watermelons “critically endangered,” setting off a nationwide panic that experts are already referring to as The Great Melon Meltdown of 2025.

Reports began trickling in last week that watermelon crops across the globe were failing due to a mysterious fungal outbreak dubbed “Melon Blight Alpha,” combined with an uptick in underground TikTok watermelon-smashing challenges that decimated entire produce sections. By Monday morning, grocery stores looked like scenes from a fruit-based apocalypse: empty crates, screaming children, and at least one elderly man aggressively interrogating a honeydew.

“They’re just… gone. One day we had them. The next—pfft. Seeds, rind, and all.”

— Darla Lipton, USDA Spokesperson (and now unofficial Melon Crisis Mascot)

Watermelons, long revered for their refreshing summer taste and picnic-staining capabilities, are now the subject of mass hysteria. Social media users are posting teary odes to the fruit, while some TikTokers are reportedly trying to summon watermelon spirits using crystals and cucumber slices. One user, @MelonMama420, claims to have spoken to the ghost of a seedless watermelon in her dreams. “It told me it forgave us… but not Whole Foods,” she wrote in a now-viral post.

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🍉 The Rise of Melon Black Markets

With legitimate supplies drying up faster than a slice left in the sun, the black market has taken over. Prices for a single wedge of watermelon have skyrocketed on eBay, with one “slightly moist rind corner” selling for $1,200. In Detroit, police intercepted a suspicious ice cream truck that turned out to be a mobile melon speakeasy. The driver, known only as “Rind King,” is currently in custody and refusing to reveal the location of his stash, stating, “I ain’t no snitch. Not even for a seed.”

Meanwhile, a group of billionaires has pooled resources to fund Project JuiceVault, a cryogenic seed bank designed to preserve watermelon DNA “in case the world needs flavor again.” Elon Musk weighed in with a cryptic tweet:

“The Mars colony will have melons. Earth will not. You chose war. 🍉🚀 #SeedTheStars”

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🍉 President Trump Addresses the Nation

In a televised address from Mar-a-Lago, President Donald J. Trump appeared flanked by two watermelon-shaped topiaries and a jug of what he claimed was “premium Trump-brand electrolyte melon water.”

“Folks, it’s very sad. Very, very sad. We had the best watermelons — everybody knows it. Big. Juicy. American watermelons. Now, they’re gone. Stolen. By fungus. Or maybe the deep state. Who knows? People are saying it was China. I’m not saying it. But people are saying it.”

He then held up a photo of a watermelon slice and declared, “We will bring them back. We’re going to Make Fruit Great Again. I have the best scientists — top people — working on a stronger, more patriotic watermelon. Seedless. Like my legal defense strategy.”

Supporters erupted in cheers. Many were seen donning WATERMELON FIRST hats and demanding melon-themed NFTs. Critics, however, argued the President offered “a lot of juice and no pulp.”

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🍉 Desperate Substitutes and Emotional Damage

Consumers have turned to sad substitutes: cucumber cubes, jicama with food dye, and frozen red Gatorade “for ambiance.” Influencer wellness brands are pushing synthetic melon energy supplements under names like RindPop, Juicetox, and SeedSoothe, all made from rebranded watermelon lip balm and wishful thinking.

Celebrity chef Giada Della Zucchini tried to offer comfort with her “Watermelon-Free Summer Salad” on TV. The backlash was swift. Someone mailed her a used rind with the note:

“You know what you did.”

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🍉 A Nation in Grief

Churches across the country are holding watermelon memorial services. In Oklahoma, a choir sang “Sweet Chariot of Juice” while mourners placed rind-shaped candles at the altar. Therapists are reporting an uptick in “melon grief syndrome,” a condition where patients cry at the scent of red Jolly Ranchers and relive memories of last summer’s BBQs.

Conspiracy theories are also flourishing. A popular podcast titled The Juice Is Loose claims this is all part of a global plot to replace natural fruit with “AI-enhanced edible illusions.” Their evidence? A blurry photo of a cantaloupe with what appears to be Wi-Fi bars.

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🍉 The Last Hope Grows in Nebraska

In a twist fit for a YA novel, a botanist named Dr. Carl Pepino in rural Nebraska claims to be growing the “last living watermelon vine.” He discovered a resistant seed at a 2019 family reunion in a fruit salad “between a rogue grape and a marshmallow.”

Living off-grid in a repurposed greenhouse shaped like a watermelon wedge, Dr. Pepino says he’s doing all he can.

“Tell America to stay strong. And hydrated. And stop microwaving melons for internet clout. That’s not helping.”

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🚨 Developing: Underground Juice Raves

As of this writing, a Craigslist ad titled “Got Melon? DM Me” has been flagged over 37,000 times and linked to a string of illegal “juice raves” popping up in Miami, Austin, and Detroit. The FBI is investigating.

Stay tuned for updates as America fights for its right to snack sweet, spit seeds, and eat watermelon right off a paper plate like nature intended