Benjamin Franklin and the Mystery of the Disappearing Toothbrush

Did you know that Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase ‘time is money’? No, me neither. He's more famous for the ‘nothing is certain except death and taxes’ line.

To be honest, I didn’t know that was his either until ten minutes ago. I thought it was Mark Twain or Oscar Wilde. It usually is. Only when I looked it up did I discover that the bold Benjamin was, in fact, the man responsible. Every day’s a school day with Mr. Google.

It’s the death-and-taxes one that’s been on my mind today. That and karma. You’re not sure what karma means? Off you go and check, then. Don’t see why I should be doing all the heavy lifting around here.

Ha! Bossing your readers around now? Let me know how that goes!

Karma bit me in the ass this morning. My son, who’s back living with us temporarily, had to leave the house at about 6.15 a.m. to catch a train. He refused my offer of a lift to the station and booked himself a taxi.

Two possible explanations for his refusal. One, he’s a thoughtful young man who didn’t want to disturb his parents so early. Two, he’s very good at spotting when someone is making an offer they don’t really mean. Which one of those attributes kicked in on this occasion?

Tricky question. On reflection, “Do you want a lift, or are you okay getting a taxi?” isn’t painting a picture of a parent keen to jump out of bed at the crack of dawn. Probably, I should have been more forceful.

(“No son of mine’s getting a taxi to the station! Not while I have breath in my body!!”)

No need to beat me up on this. I’ve done that already myself. My wife helped, and she didn’t even have to be asked.

Anyway, the taxi was late, and I had to get out of bed and drive him to the station after all. We left the house in a hurry. It was a bit rushed and stressful, much more so than if I’d fronted up properly in the first place.

Karma, see?

I drove home thinking about this. I was also reflecting on how taxis are more likely to let you down when you most need them to be on time. Nothing is certain except death and unreliable taxis. That’s what Mark Twain would have said, I thought to myself. Or Oscar Wilde. Whichever.

I was hugely pleased with my clever wordplay. Taxes, taxis, you got that, right? It’s not exactly subtle, so if you didn’t get it, give your head a wobble.

That’s right. Tell people they’re stupid. That always works!

Still feeling pleased with myself when I got home, I went into the bathroom and noticed that my toothbrush was gone. Interesting, I thought. How did that happen? Well, my son is staying away overnight, so he needed to pack his toothbrush. For some reason, he’d taken mine instead of his own.

I refer you back to my earlier comment about our son being a considerate young man. You see, our bathroom light makes a loud clunky sound when you switch it on or off. It’s been like that since we moved in eighteen years ago. My wife says we should get somebody to look at it. I say it’s a pull switch and they’re all like that. It’s one of our ongoing conversations.

Someday, one of us will die and then it will end.

Clearly, my son hadn’t switched the light on because he wanted to avoid waking us. Instead, he'd tried to operate using only the light from the landing. And lifted the wrong toothbrush in the process.

Later tonight, he’ll unzip his toilet bag and discover he has a choice: use his dad’s toothbrush or go to bed with dirty teeth. My money’s on the dirty teeth.

Here’s the thing. I spent most of yesterday telling him to get his stuff organised and not to leave it to the last minute. Did he listen? Did he bollix. So, karma has taken a chunk out of his ass, too.

Karma Versus the Law of Unintended Consequences

I went back downstairs and put the kettle on to make coffee. I popped two slices of bread in the toaster for my wife. She likes cold toast, strange person that she is, so these would be waiting for her when she got up. That’s just the kind of guy I am. Always thinking of my partner’s welfare.

Not the kind of guy trying to redeem himself after being outed as a deadbeat dad, one who'd let his own flesh and blood order a taxi rather than get out of his scratcher. Definitely not that type of guy.

I took my coffee into the front room and wondered about a link between karma and the Law of Unintended Consequences. My son was trying to be considerate by not switching on the light but ended up taking my toothbrush. Was that karma or the Law of Unintended Consequences?

I quickly realised that I know diddly-squat about the Law of Unintended Consequences. Some of the clever vibes I’d been feeling as a result of the wordplay and solving the toothbrush mystery started to fade rapidly.

Then the smoke alarm went off.

I spilled my coffee, the cat shot behind the sofa, and my wife came running downstairs, in a state of undress I found surprisingly arousing given the circumstances.

Nothing is certain except death and the toaster jamming if you leave it unattended.

That’s what Mark Twain would have said, I thought to myself. Or Oscar Wilde.