Bedtime Absurdities

All 35-lbs of Gerald Tully stood on top of his rocker screaming, ”No bed!! No bed!!”

Mr and Mrs. Tully looked at one another. Dark half moons clung to their eyes like the boogers caked to their walls. Mrs Tully’s hair was falling out of her bun and Mr. Tully had yet to change out of his work clothes.

“Gerald get off the chair and go lay in bed.” Commanded Mrs. Tully.

“No. The Pillowgruff will get me!”

Mr. Tully wiped his face out of frustration and added, “Come on, Kiddo. Momma and Dadda really want to go to bed.”

“No!”

Mr. Tully sighed and picked up the whaling child. Tiny fists and feet drove into his stomach, causing him to ‘gently’ drop Gerald onto his bed.

Gerald rewarded the effort with some giggles. Mr. Tully laughed in response, but as soon as he tried to pull the blankets over his son, he was kicked in the face.

“Son of a bitch,” whispered Mr. Tully as he cradled his nose.

“Gerald," yelled Mrs. Tully, " no kicking, it’s bedtime!”

Gerald’s screams rose another octave. Mrs. Tully moaned and pulled her hair. “Stop screaming or I’m going to scream louder!”

Mr Tully flinched, “I don’t think that is considered gentle parenting, Momma.”

Mrs. Tully’s head whipped towards her husband. “Then you do it, Daa Daa.”

The knot in Mr. Tully’s throat bobbed as he asked. “Gerald, what is a Pillowgruff?”

Gerald leapt into his fathers arms and sobbed, “Monster!”

Mr. Tully rubbed his son’s back and added. "Monsters aren’t real, Kiddo.”

Gerald pointed at the bed and said, “There!”

Mr. Tully stared at the empty bed. Everything was as it should be, but for a brief moment it did look like one of the pillows moved. Mr. Tully rubbed his eyes, but all that was there was their old Labradoodle, Queenie, who started humping the pillows.

Gerald laughed and asked, “What’s puppy doing?”

“Well, Kiddo,” started Mr. Tully, “Queenie is… Queenie is, uh…” Unsure how to continue, Mr. Tully tried to pull the dog off while holding Gerald, but only succeeded in getting kneed in the crotch and more questions.

“We’re never going to bed.” Moaned Mrs. Tully.

Mr. Tully could feel his blood pressure rising. If one more thing went wrong, he would lose it.

Gerald must have sensed this, because it was at that moment that he decided to take one of his toy cars and chuck it at Mr. Tully’s face. The man’s head snapped back and he growled with frustration, but as he opened his mouth to scream, he saw it.

The Pillowgruff.

It's massive body laid in between Gerald's Pillows. It had the head of a wolf, the torso and limbs of a bear, and the tail of a lizard. Instead of normal skin and fur it was made up of pillows.

Queenie must have finally noticed it too, because she ditched the lifeless pillows for the beast's leg.

Gerald laughed and started mimicking Queenie, but it looked more like a flopping fish.

“Look Momma, I do too!"

Mrs. Tully started to laugh but turned so Gerald couldn’t see her.

“No, buddy. We don’t do that.” Corrected Mr. Tully as he placed his son on the floor.

Mrs. Tully regained her composure, pried Queenie from the monster, and said, “Dada’s right, Buddy. We don’t do that.”

Free from the horny dog, The Pillowgruff rose from its spot and roared.

Mr. Tully grabbed Gerald and sprinted towards the door.

“Dada!?” Seethed Mrs. Tully. "Aren’t we supposed to be putting Gerald to bed?”

“You don’t see the Pillowgruff,” asked Mr. Tully.

Mrs. Tully rolled her eyes. “Not you too! This is why he never sleeps in his bed. It’s because you always succumb to his demands and then we don’t get to sleep because we have tiny legs slamming into our backs!”

The Pillowgruff walked off the bed. It stood up on its hind legs and prepared to grab Mrs. Tully.

Not wanting to lose his wife, Mr. Tully placed Gerald on the floor and charged at the Pillowgruff.

Mrs. Tully continued to nag her husband as he leapt into the creature’s chest, causing them both to collapse onto the bed.

Since Mrs. Tully still couldn’t see the Pillowgruff, this whole incident looked like her husband had abandoned their child and dove into bed.

“Dada!” exclaimed Mrs. Tully, “what in the H E double hockey sticks are you doing?”

Trying to keep the Pillowgruff’s snout away, Mr. Tully grunted, “Pillowgruff real. Grab shotgun.”

Mrs. Tully massaged her temples. “My mother was right, I should have stayed with the accountant.”

Mr. Tully gave his wife a look, giving the Pillowgruff an opening. Its Fluffy jaws clasped around Mr. Tully’s arm and he screamed. He then started bashing the creature’s head with his free hand while Gerald went into hysterics.

It was at this point that Mrs. Tully could finally see the Pillowgruff. Terrified, she quickly picked Gerald up and ran away, leaving Mr. Tully alone. The Pillowgruff’s jaw wrapped around Mr. Tully’s head instantly putting him to sleep. Not wanting to kill the man, the Pillowgruff loosened its jaw and began feasting upon Mr. Tully's dreams.

A loud bang jolted Mr. Tully awake. White feathers cascaded around him and the Pillowgruff was gone.

Mr. Tully looked towards his wife and stared at the smoking shotgun that saved his life. Relieved, and tired, Mr. Tully pulled himself onto his son’s bed and passed out. Gerald, who came stumbling back to his room, curled up next to his dad and fell asleep.

Mrs. Tully looked at her boys and smiled. She then went into her room and returned the shotgun to its safe. After,she looked at her bed and said.

"Momma is gonna get some sleep after all."