Anything But That, Honey

If you’ve been following my life for any length of time, you know it’s pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time wandering the digital halls of the internet, looking for inspiration. Recently, I found myself contemplating one of the great mysteries of the masculine experience: The Purse Hand-Off.

Guys, we’ll do anything for our girls. We hold doors. We pull out chairs. We’ll square up against a spider the size of a dinner plate. We’ll even walk down the feminine hygiene aisle at the grocery store, staring intensely at a text message to make sure we get the "ultra-thin wings" and not the "regular overnights." Why? Because we love them.

However, there is one request that strikes fear into the heart of every man: "Honey, can you hold this for a second?" Suddenly, you’re standing in the middle of a crowded mall, holding a sequined bag that definitely doesn't match your cargo shorts. You feel the eyes of every other male in a 50-foot radius. You see the pity. You see the judgment. You want to scream, "Anything but that, honey!"

But since we always end up doing it anyway, I’ve decided to stop complaining and start strategizing. If you’re going to be the designated purse-holder, you might as well make it an Olympic sport. Here are the purses you should buy your lady to ensure your dignity—and perhaps your sanity—remains intact.

1. The Chicken Feet Purse

Should you get stuck holding this monstrosity, you have an easy out. First off, it’s not a purse; it’s a high-fashion poultry carrier. If anyone looks at you sideways, just lean in and whisper that your girl has a very specific "chicken fetish" and it’s going to be a very interesting night. Watch as word spreads through the food court. Other guys won’t look at you with pity; they’ll give you the silent thumbs-up of respect for hooking up with someone so... "exotic." You aren't a guy holding a bag; you're a man of mystery.

2. The Gun Purse

Trust me, no one—and I mean no one—will look at you funny while you’re holding this. It’s shaped exactly like a high-caliber firearm. Sure, it’s made of molded plastic and faux leather, but in the dim lighting of a cinema lobby, nobody is willing to take the chance that it’s a toy.

To really sell the performance, keep a few fake metal bullets in your free hand and roll them around like a nervous tick.

Warning: Beware the anti-gun lobbyists. They want it to be real so they can give you a forty-minute lecture on peace and harmony. If you see someone in a tie-dye shirt approaching with a clipboard, tuck the "barrel" under your arm and run.

3. The Beer Mug Purse

What man wouldn’t want to hold this? It’s a giant, frothy, golden mug of (fake) beer. You won't be the guy "holding a bag"; you’ll be the envy of every husband dragging his feet behind a shopping cart.

To make it realistic, occasionally lean down and take a "sip." Just don’t let your girl catch you doing it, or she might question your mental stability and rescind your mall privileges. If a stranger asks where the bar is, send them on a wild goose chase toward the other skde of the mall. It makes the time fly.

4. The Chinese Takeout Box

This one is a classic disguise. It’s not a purse; it’s dinner. Most guys won't give a second glance to a man holding a giant cardboard noodle box. It looks like you’re just a guy who’s really excited about General Tso’s chicken.

The Danger Zone: Keep an eye out for hungry teenagers or the local mall-dwellers. If someone tries to snatch your "dinner" and you have to explain to your girlfriend why her lipstick and credit cards were stolen by a guy looking for an egg roll... well, R.I.P. to you, my friend.

5. The Hand Purse

This is a bold, meta approach to purse-holding. While the other bags try to hide the fact that they are purses, this one features a literal prosthetic hand reaching out from the fabric. It’s weird. It’s creepy. It’s perfect.

Instead of looking embarrassed, wait for a crowd to form, pull on the fake hand, and yell, "Help! The purse is eating my girl!" Keep the bit going. Don't let anyone "rescue" you or the joke is over. People will be too busy laughing to realize you’ve been standing outside a candle shop for forty-five minutes.

6. My Personal Favorite: The Mummy Head Bag

This is the holy grail of "Don't Talk To Me" accessories. It is a highly detailed, shriveled, leathery head of an ancient Egyptian monarch.

Trust me, no one will bother you while you’re cradling a dehydrated Pharaoh. If anyone even glances at you, just give them the "finger-across-the-throat" gesture and stare intensely at their forehead. They will back off. Fast.

You can take it a step further:

Give the head a name. (I suggest "Steve" or "Ramses the Third.")

Talk to it. Whispering secrets into the Mummy's ear ensures that people will take the long way around you in the hallway.

Nothing clears a path through a crowded department store faster than a man having an argument with a dead king’s head. You’ll have all the personal space you could ever dream of.