10 Items or Less

George is at the General Market to pick up a few things on his way home from work. He only needs a few staples to get him by for the weekend. All he really needs is milk, cereal, produce, and bread. He counts his items three times before setting them on the express checkout lane.

“Ten items or less!” screeches the woman behind the counter.

She glares at him as she counts each item for the tenth or twelfth time. “We got a number violation on check out 6. We need management here pronto!” she continues mindlessly counting the items.

“Do you see the problem here?” she asks George. He shakes his head.

“No ma’am, I counted my items and there are only ten there.” He now begins randomly counting the items. Suddenly he freezes, ten, ELEVEN! Eleven items, that can’t be! He was so careful!

The camera above the counter rotates to focus on George, it zooms in close, getting good facial recognition. The loud speaker crackles loudly, “We have an ELEVENTH item!” it proclaims. Gasps are heard throughout the market.

The cashier leans in close, breathing heavily in George’s face. “We have it recorded now. Eleven items in an express lane. How do you plead?”

“What?” George stammers. “I have ten items, and he begins separating them on the conveyor. Suddenly he sees the problem. A rogue pack of gum, something you are expected to grab from the enticing racks at check out lay on the belt looking completely innocent.

“That’s not mine.” George states.

“Let’s rewind the film!” the cashier yells.

Suddenly a woman in an electric cart appears. She is wearing a black judge’s robe. In her hand a banana for a gavel. She sneers at George.

“Bailiff,” she calls to a small child standing nearby, “Bring in the jury!”

George watches in horror as a line of produce gathered in two rows of six. The Zucchini was the jury foreman, the apple and orange were out for juicy gossip, and the lemon and lime puckered their mouths as they awaited the verdict. Lettuce headed to the back row remaining crisp in her indignation. Romaine remained reticent. The rest of the produce jury was frozen in anticipation.

“Judge,” the cashier started, “We have a clear case of too many items for the express lane.”

“This man!” she exclaims as she pointed her finger in George’s face, “Thought he could waltz in here and put eleven items on MY counter and get away with it!”

The other shoppers gather around; pale in disbelief.

“Roll the footage!” says the cashier. The credit card machine becomes a small television, and the movement of George’s hand grabbing the pack of gum with lightning speed, and mindlessly setting it on the counter is evident.

“But!” explains George, “The store puts these here to grab on the way out. Even so, that is not my gum! And that is not my hand in the video!”

The judge rolls forward in her electric cart! A celery stalks behind the judge trying to get a better view. The Zucchini stands up and hands the judge a paper.

The judge reads the verdict, “Beans, corn, milk, bread…Dang it, you gave me the wrong paper again!” Zucchini squashes the list and hands her the correct one.

“Guilty!” she exclaims, as the banana gavel hit the arm rest and splattered everywhere. A lowly cream puff rolled forward on the counter. “I will leave the check out for the greater good!” she says. “Take me!”

The judge looks at the cream puff and snorts, “Too late! Nothing can save him now!”

“You are forever banned to the self checkout lanes.” He is then escorted to the self check out, and places his first item on the scanner, “Please remove item from the scanner.” It beeps. George complies, and the scanner continues, “Please scan your first item.” George attempts to scan his first item again.

“Please place your item in the bag.” He does.

And the scanner continues. “Please remove the item from the bagging area.” George complies again.

“Please place your item in the bag.” A tear trickles down his cheek. He knows this is his punishment.

“Please place the item in the bag.” He does.

“Please remove your item from the bagging area.”

“Unexpected item in the bagging area.”

“Please place the item in the bag.”

“Unexpected item in the bagging area. An associate is on the way.” George finally leaves.

To this day some say he still haunts the self- check out lane at General Market. He is forced to endure the endless loop of “Unexpected item in the bagging area, please remove the item from the bag, and please place your item in the bag…” for all eternity.

Meanwhile, the rogue pack of gum teeters quietly on the shelf waiting for its next victim.

The End…