Your Colors

Black, the very darkest color. The result of the absence or complete absorption of light; the opposite of white. My mind wanders as my fingers trace against the smooth cover of my small, black notebook. Rain droplets tap against the glass of the window, filling the temporal silence.

It never gets old, having the mind of an artist; analyzing everything, searching for deeper meaning. Now, the mind of an overthinker and a perfectionist- that is a part of me that drives me crazy. Why can’t I remember your favorite color? God, I feel like an idiot. But I remember your eyes were blue, contrasting against your wavy red hair that looked just like Mom’s. I could never forget that. Or, how you’d light up any room you walked into, how your laugh would echo off the walls, or how your smile sparkled so bright it was contagious… Sometimes it’s hard to smile without you.

I’m afraid to draw your face, it’s been 9 years since I’ve seen it last. What if I forget every detail? I have to remember you, please don’t go blurry. It’s every artist’s fear to lose their vision.

Summer never felt so cold. It feels like yesterday when we would sit on the fronch porch of our childhood home, swaying back and forth on the swing next to each other as you smoked a cigarette in the late night. We would talk for hours, as if we had no other purpose in life but to just be present in that moment. Your mind inspired me, everything made sense when you said it. I can almost feel the faint feeling of your body’s warmth against my thigh… Sometimes I wonder if you are still with me in some spiritual way, but you never believed in an afterlife, and I don’t know what to believe. Nothing feels real, life is like an abstract artstyle, but at least it still makes me feel something.

What did I do to deserve this, or you, I wonder as my eyes start to burn, looking down at the dampened pages. Everything I do is for you. I am me because of you. If only you could have seen how the $20,000 in that college trust fund you left behind for me changed my life. If only you knew how you changed my life. I’d give all the money in the world to be with you again. College, the internship, the job, my art- I’d trade it all to see your face again, to hear your voice again.

You always knew what to say when my mind started spiraling, you were so smart. I’m just a 23 year old artist trying to find you in everything I create. Maybe that’s why I push myself so hard, because in my eyes, you could’ve changed the world one day. You set the bar high without even trying; and I’m still trying to find the balance through polarities that you desperately searched for. I learn as much as I can and appreciate as much as I can. I make mistakes though. And I learn from them. Why I had to learn from yours is the biggest question I ask myself. I’ve learned in light of experience, that happiness isn't necessarily something that comes without work. Which is why it's all the more important for me to find that mentality and live it.

I enjoy my life, and try to do as much as I can to understand and appreciate,

but it was always better with you.

My life is black without you. I live in your absence whilst desperately grasping onto all of the memories and sunshine you brought into my life. You were red, courageous and loving. You were orange, warm, joyous, and encouraging. You were yellow, friendly and always radiating happiness. You were green, pure and tranquil. You were blue, always going with the flow and reaching for the sky. You were purple, full of wisdom and devotion. You were white, adding highlights to everyone’s life you were in, even if it were just a moment.

I’ll keep the colors of you close to me, in my small, black notebook. And I will look for you in every rainbow.