You Were Everything I Needed

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. A lot. I mean, every single day. I wake up and think of you. I go to bed and think of you. I write about you. When I'm walking at night and see a shooting star, I think of you - and wish for "us" again. A new version of us, a better version.

Of course, you called me just the other day. But I didn't answer. I just stared at my phone - at your name on the screen. Just stared. Paralyzed. Like so many things between us, this seemed like it couldn't be real.

After not seeing you for over a year - not hearing your voice for that long - there you were. But, I couldn't answer. Not yet. Still not ready.

I heard this song the other day and now it's on my phone and it makes me cry every single time. Because it tells a story. It's a story of us - of something that was not quite right but was definitely right on time.

Come back now, even if you call me out

You might be angry now of course you are

I'm scared too, didn't mean to take it out on you

I know I always do, you're the strongest person in the room

Turn back time, help me to rewind and we can

Find ourselves again

Was that why you were calling? To tell me you were angry? Of course not. For whatever reason, you wanted to talk with me - to hear my voice. You hadn't pushed the button to actually call me since June.

I've walked and walked and walked listening to these lyrics - dreaming of the time when I'm ready to ask you to come back. When I am, I will call you. There will be no text, no surprise of flowers, no gimmick. I will call you directly and clearly and ask you out. Ask you to see me.

Yes, yes I'm scared. I'm scared that what we had and could have isn't real. But, I'm also scared of how I feel - how intense this is. A year later, and I still feel it. You must feel something - you called me.

Let's - soon - find ourselves again.

Oh, and without a doubt you're the strongest of us - I mean, I've grown and changed - even in just a year. But, you - you were always the one who could calm me, could quell my fears.

It's not too late

Either way, I lose you in these silent days

It wasn't right

But it was right on time

What we did - we both knew it wasn't right when it happened - we both had doubts. That's why it took so long for it to happen. But from that first sight, the first touch, the first kiss - the fire was undeniable.

The timing - right on time is exactly what it was. Knowing you - being with you - you showed me what was possible. You showed me what could be. You reminded me of who I am - who I am becoming. You challenged me to be the best me.

I had to walk away - that night. I had to. There was so much work to do. And sitting with you - well, that wasn't getting anything done. I knew then that I would simply sit on your couch or join you in bed - that was easier than getting to the heart of what was wrong with me. Wrong, maybe too strong - but definitely what was "not right."

You told me the truth - and that was just what I needed. You saw me and told me who I was and then told me you wanted me anyway. That - that was the first time I'd heard that - the first time I knew I was ok.

Don't look down

I can feel it when your heart starts pounding

It's beyond your control, you know it is

It's getting to the point where I can't carry on

I never held my breath for quite this long

And I don't take it back, I did what I had to do

Yes - I did what I had to do. When I left that night, I told you that "this was not ok, that I was not ok." But I also told you I was going to be ok - that I was going take on the challenges . . . and I have.

I've learned the transformation may never be complete - but I've also become the man you saw three years ago. The man inside that I couldn't see.

You deserve all of me - and I can't wait much longer. No matter what, I'm a far better person than I was when we first met. There's no way I can thank you - but I do want to show you.

Maybe - maybe this time it will be both right and right on time.