You Can't Quit

Have you ever been defeated? Have you ever made a choice where you thought it was best and you ended up regretting it? Have you ever woken up from your sleep only to feel that pit in your stomach and the eject of last nights binge on “eating your feelings?” Have you ever cried because you had no words for your emotions? Your answer is most likely “Yes.” And let me tell you your not alone.

I’ve been there, I’ve known a lot of people there. I’ve even been the one on the other end of a phone call trying to aid a friend or family member off their cliff of whoa. It’s a sucky feeling. You come to doubt all your life choices up until the point where you believe you messed up. Your days don't seem to go right because you feel that ever impending doom of your decision looming over you and dictating your life.

So what are you going to do? Are you going to lay down and die? Are you going to give up?

I’m here to tell you that you can’t, and you shouldn’t. But why not? You maybe be sitting there asking yourself or telling yourself she doesn’t know my life, she doesn’t know what I've been through. And chances are your right our past might align in a similar fashion but not exactly and this I'm sure. But my point is you can’t give up.

Why not?

The answer is simple, because your not built to quit.

Who said?

I said. More than likely if you came across this article is because it peaked your curiosity and you wanted to know why it’s not okay to sit down and die. And the answer to that is because i believe in you. You know your capabilities and if your not confident than there are ways to polish them. I suffer from manic depression, ptsd, and anxiety. I definitely was one of those who would be okay, laying in bed and crying all day.

But i wasn’t helping myself by doing that. I didn’t have a circle of friends or family to turn to when i was in my feels. I was okay with laying down and dying. Dying sounded like such a sweet release. I even called my mom at 3am one night to say my goodbyes. I was ready to end a life time of pain at the age of 23. i felt alone, like no one understood,like no one cared if i lived of died. My life in the hands of the right director could be a movie.

I sat there. Handful of pills and a bottle of alcohol. And just balled my eyes out. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bring myself to inflect that kind of unspeakable pain on myself. Not to mention the guilt my mother would forever feel. I would of left my son to be raised by the monster that is his father. But i felt everyone would be better off. I felt my mother would be happier. She wouldn't have to deal with a fuck up like me. And then the rest of the people i know would be left in shock.

Truth is people don’t seem to care unless it affects them in a direct way. After the shock and awe passes you’ll be just another memory on the anniversary of your death or on a t shirt. I cried and sat there on the bathroom floor with what felt like a whole in my chest, and my heart bursting. I wasn’t super religious but i prayed, to anyone that would hear me. I was angry, sad, i felt guilty for even having those thoughts. I fell asleep with tears streaming down my face because i didn’t feel worthy of being in my bed.

I woke up the next day feeling empty. It was the same feeling i had when my grandma died. I feel like i just died. I felt like a shell of a person. I realized that I cant take my own life. Someone else would have to have the balls to take it from me or a freak accident or that it was my time. I started to feel stuck, hopeless, and looking for an outlet. I googled therapists in my area.

Now i can’t stress this enough. Therapy doesn’t work unless your also willing to put in the work and put to use the advise that their giving you. Otherwise your just there telling a stranger bit and pieces of your life like an interview no one will see. I went through four therapists before i found an excellent one. I had her for a year before she retired. She was great at listening and giving advice and helping me find coping that works for me. Cause in the middle of an anxiety attack i find it super difficult to deep breathe. Giving up wasn’t in my cards. Today 9 years later i still refuse to give up and die. I found an outlet for my life stressors, everyone has them. It’s how you react to them is the key.

So no dear one, even if life is stacked up against you. Even if your partner left you and you feel like your going to die without them. Even if you lost a love one, or lost your job. Doesn’t mean you life is over. There is a sliver lining to every situation. There is a solution. There is help. The answer to your whoa’s might not be immediate but there is hope.

Next time your feeling overwhelmed, cry if you must. A good cry sometimes feels really good. Then take a deep breath, ask yourself what will make you feel better? If its something big like move to a new city and start over. Ask yourself what steps can i take to get there. Once you did that. Ask yourself what can i do right now to comfort myself? These talks with yourself might seem silly but no one knows you better than yourself, and checking in with yourself is part of self care and its very important.

I learned to navigate myself though my feelings by myself and with a little help from my therapists. But i had to put in the work to better myself. Not everyday is a good day, but everyday is a new day. If you or anyone you know suffers from depression and or suicidal thoughts offer to be there safety. Meaning if there having a moment of total weakness or despair they can call you and talk it out with you. It’s a lonely place living in your head with toxic thoughts. Trust me i know, and if they need it have them contact the suicide hot line they are always available and willing to help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. 

800-273-8255

or Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor