Why We Should Rethink Monogamy

Monogamy is the predominant model of love in Western society.

And it has been for many years, and although it is de facto so popular, it is just as controversial. The divorce rate is almost 50% in the USA alone, and in many other countries, the situation is similar.

Of course, it should be noted that in marriages that do not get divorced, both sides are not always happy. Based on the data, one can say that monogamy is not so successful.

So in this article, we will look at 3 arguments for an open relationship.

Note: The article does not claim to represent my opinion.

We are not sexually sedentary by nature

The sex drive is primarily responsible for the survival of humanity.

We feel sexually attracted to other people, not only to our partner because the sex drive always lives on in us.

The more sexual intercourse we have with different people, the more we contribute to the survival of humanity — this is the evolutionary idea behind the drive.

Interestingly, there are no known animal species that live monogamously.

For about 200,000 years humans lived as hunters and gatherers and thus lived together in larger groups. The community shared everything, including sex, and everyone was dependent on the rest of the group.

According to the American evolutionary psychologist Christopher Ryan and the psychiatrist Cacilda Jethá, the children born in the community were children of the whole horde and not just of two parents. Only the mothers probably knew which child was theirs.

Only when humanity has settled down does this change.

Women and men were suddenly at the center of the idea of the family, who together looked after the yard and lived in a house.

The property was passed on to their children, just as the children later ensured the survival of their parents.

An interesting theory is also that man has only become monogamous because he noticed that venereal diseases would otherwise spread.

We pay a high price for sexual sedentariness

The temptation is everywhere, not only of the sexual kind.

Everywhere we can meet people who seem attractive to us, not just necessarily on a superficial level.

In clubs, at work in the gym, and so on.

But we only want the one love — and the recognition and affection of this person. This is the reason why cheating in our society, and even flirting with strangers is outlawed.

The person who is cheated on feels terrible, disappointed, and maybe even inferior — because one’s partner has cheated in favor of another person.

All in all, monogamy makes us dependent on only one person and their feelings for us.

But not only does our self-esteem suffer directly from our partners’ misdemeanors, but also from the fact that almost everyone in our environment is aware of them — the people in our environment bad-mouth the partner who has cheated. The person who has been cheated is afraid that it will lower their market value or that they will be considered incapable of relationship.

The polyamory model wants to counteract this as follows: We should enjoy it when the person we love is enjoying sex with other people.

It is dangerous to become dependent on the sexual attention of our partner, we should love ourselves, since we are also loved, and thus separate love and sex. Just because our partner also has fun with someone else from time to time does not mean that we are not lovable.

Monogamy makes us miss so much

Today we can love who we want. Love is almost completely detached from economic interests, like when it was virtually only about the survival of the family.

But today’s freedom is a problem — through Tinder and co. there is a virtually unlimited choice, but man is not made to cope with it.

Even the choice between several kinds of yogurts in the supermarket is too much for us, and often we are incapable of making the right decision, but in retrospect only sad.

This overstraining makes us decide as superficially as possible, otherwise dating is inefficient. After all, we can’t invite everyone we see at Tinder to dinner.

As a result, we tend to make bad decisions and often choose our love partners based only on their appearance. Of course, this does not work well in the long run.

Through the lifestyle of open relationships, we can be with the person we really love, but at the same time, we can also style our desire for something else.

Loyalty does not have to mean sexual abstinence, but can also be combined with the open relationship without any problems — commitment means being there for your partner when he or she needs it — but not having to limit oneself sexually to him.

The original version of this article was published by me on another platform: https://medium.com/lean-learnings/why-we-should-rethink-monogamy-f92d11dcc063