Why Specifying What You're Looking For on Dating Apps Isn't Always Necessary
Noticing your true desires and motives may be more important than trying to be in a relationship at any cost
Many dating websites and services ask new users to specify what are their expectations from dating — are they looking for a potential spouse, a serious relationship, or simply something casual? However, not everyone can give such a clear-cut answer, even to themselves. Often, people don't fully realize their true motives for dating. In this interview for Vocal Media, Stanislav Kos, founder of a new AI-powered app YouMatch with a scientific approach to dating, shares his team's insights on why people can — but don't have to — state their expectations on dating platforms
— Different dating apps ask users to state their dating purposes when registering. There are options like 'Relationship', 'Marriage' or 'Something casual' but also the 'Don't know yet' option. Why do people often struggle to state their intentions?
— It happens quite often and is not something unusual and, of course, not something to be ashamed of. Even when someone believes they are ready for a long-term relationship, they might end up in a different type of relationship. People may want one thing but settle for something else because that "something else" turns out to be more important at the moment.
Some people are convinced they are not ready for a long-term relationship. However, they might change their mind after meeting the right partner. External circumstances — such as moving to a new district or country, getting a promotion at work, or even getting a pet — can also influence their decision.
At YouMatch, we have a psychologist specializing in relationships with more than 19 years of professional experience. According to her research, people often do not fully realize their motivation for starting a romantic relationship. We all have hidden, unconscious motives in this regard. For example, while someone says on their dating app bio that they are looking for a serious relationship, their true desire might be simply to receive attention and compliments to feel attractive, or they may be trying to get rid of loneliness.
— Is the situation somehow different for men and women?
— In some cases, yes. People may lie — consciously or unconsciously — about their dating intentions to comply with social norms. Seeking serious relationships is still more socially acceptable than wanting casual connections and one-night stands. People's motives can also be more controversial or even shady. For instance, some men may claim to be looking for marriage just to attract more women, as for women long-term commitments are still more desirable than casual flings. A lot of women who seek marriage, in reality, just want to comply with social norms or meet the perfect image of themselves they have in their minds.
During the last year, our psychologist has been consulting single women who seek a relationship. Overall, she conducted over a hundred sessions with these women in order to determine their motives for finding a partner. It turned out that if a woman can not find a serious relationship for a long time, it means that, unconsciously, she is afraid to enter a relationship. So, in her mind, she has this clear idea that she wants a relationship but in reality, she unconsciously tries to sabotage her own attempts to find a boyfriend. Summing up, clearly stating her dating intentions on the app is not helpful enough in this case.
— From the experience of your team, are there any other hidden motives behind different dating goals?
— Of course, there are. To make it easier to follow, let's talk only about marriage.
For many people, the primary reason for marrying is love. They perceive marriage as a logical continuation of a loving relationship. By marrying their loved ones, some people seek a sense of companionship, emotional and financial security and support through life's ups and downs. Even today, in many cultures, marriage is seen as a societal norm and a way to truly establish oneself as an adult. Thus, some people may want to get married just to fulfill societal expectations, even if they are not in love with their partner.
In each of these cases, people may state that they want to get married when registering on a dating site. However, their underlying motives vary significantly. So, even if your aim is to build a family and you match with someone who, allegedly, wants the same thing, your expectations might differ. For example, you may dream of a marriage filled with love and support and your match may be driven by meeting societal expectations. So, it's always good to be careful and find out about your partner's motivation at the early stages of your relationship.
— Let's talk about how we choose partners. What do psychologists say about that?
— Choosing a romantic partner is an extremely complex process. Again, sometimes we follow patterns and pursue goals that are not fully conscious. Here are some factors influencing our dating choices:
- Physical Attraction: Different people are attracted to different physical characteristics, like body types, facial features, or clothing style.
- Personal Characteristics: For some, kindness and humor are the most important, while for others, intelligence and confidence are the main ones.
- Similarity: People often gravitate towards those with similar interests, values, and beliefs.
- Sociocultural Factors: A potential partner's social status or religious beliefs can be very important for some.
- Psychological Needs: People may seek someone who meets their emotional and psychological needs, such as being the source of support, understanding, and respect.
- Biological Factors: Some studies suggest that biological factors like hormonal balance and genetic compatibility also influence our choices.
Over time, the factors influencing our tastes and preferences may change, but the primary, often unconscious, factors remain still. If someone has been drawn to a particular behavior type since their teenage years, it is unlikely to change. However, if you always stay dissatisfied with your dating choices, the patterns can be changed with the help of psychotherapy.
— Do you have any advice for people who only start their dating journey?
— I would say that specifying what you are looking for on a dating app is not always necessary — or not necessary at all. As I told you, it may not always be truly genuine. The key to a successful dating experience is to listen to yourself, notice your true desires and choose what is important to you at the given moment. It is also helpful to decide what you are ready to give to your potential partner. Are you truly ready for a relationship or even marriage? Maybe at this point in your life, you want companionship, romance and fun but not something too serious and demanding. After making this clear to yourself, there is a bigger chance that you will find a satisfying and fulfilling relationship that is truly right for you.
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YouMatch is an AI-driven LoveTech pioneer redefining the dating landscape by leveraging cutting-edge scientific research to enhance human connections.
About the Creator
The CEO of Everything
They say "jack of all trades, master of none," but they forgot to mention the part where the jack of all trades is also the camera woman, the makeup artist, and the person currently yelling at a tangled Wii microphone cable in a her own bathroom while recording herself singing and trying to make it look realistic and professional. (As professional as you can make it with nothing but a cell phone camera and a mic that doesn't work)
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