Why is space important in relationships

If my life had been perfect, I might never have learned anything. Or at least not something important.

I used to have a naive view of relationships. I believe with all my heart that if two good people get together and make a real effort to be kind to each other, then everything will be fine.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

Personal story

I met the love of my life in graduate school. We fell madly in love and were married within seven months. He's the nicest man I've ever met, and he treats me like a princess.

We were so connected that I was sure nothing would ever happen between us. Within a year of our marriage, I gave birth to a lovely baby boy.

Fast forward three years. My husband said we needed to talk, so I spun around in my chair. "Sure, why?" I asked casually. Within seconds, I realized that something was actually very serious.

"Do you still love me?" I asked, panting.

"I don't know," he answered quietly.

My head began to spin. It doesn't make any sense. I had panic attacks for a week.

I don't know what happened to make him doubt his feelings for me. Worse, he didn't know what the problem was.

To find the answer

Then began nervously looking for what had gone wrong. I read every book I could get my hands on. I scoured the Internet for answers. I asked everyone from therapists to waitresses for their advice. My family is my world, and if I can help, I won't let it fall apart.

In retrospect, it's clear that our relationship was in trouble before it finally hit bottom. The excitement has died down. Enthusiasm has dimmed. Even our friendship became more cordial than warm. Our marriage had actually been in decline for years before that terrible night.

Almost all that remains are the usual commitment habits - even those that are dying out. All this time, I've tried to convince myself that this is what marriage should be like.

"Honeymoons don't last forever," I keep telling myself.

Despite our best intentions, my husband and I have no idea how to stay married. It's not that we haven't made time for each other or stopped dating. Quite the opposite.

The problem

We were too close together. So close that we are no longer able to appreciate each other just because we are individuals.

I think this is the root of all our problems.

We studied in the same graduate school. We share an office at school and at home. We cook together, we clean together. We go almost everywhere together. We asked each other's opinion on everything.

But perhaps most importantly, we have adjusted our entire lives for each other, each of us willing to sacrifice everything to keep the peace. We've all compromised to the point where it's no longer clear where one of us ends and the other begins.

One of the most important lessons I learned during conflict was the key role of personal space in romantic relationships.

When it's gone, we begin to feel crowded -- even disturbed -- and eventually, we develop resentment toward the other person. The technical term psychologists use for this phenomenon is "drowning."

What is inundation?

In short, flooding is the feeling that someone is cutting into your personal space and freedom. The example may be easier to interpret when it relates to someone we don't have a close personal relationship with.

If you're in line at the grocery store and the person behind you is standing so close to you that they almost touch you, you're likely to leave. But before you do, you will most likely feel very uncomfortable. It's the feeling of being submerged.

For most of us, the feeling of someone intruding into our space or our lives is all too familiar.

Everyone has boundaries, and everyone has been challenged by those boundaries at some point: running our lives by people who are too close to us, colleagues who disrespect our workspace, friends who try to monopolize our time, or relatives who tell us how to do it.

The proliferation of romantic relationships

But there he is. He belongs to a category by himself. You love him. Of course, if he's standing next to you, you don't mind. It's okay if he leaves his stuff on your desk. He can't take up too much of your time because you love every moment with him.

When he gives you advice on how to run your life, you think it's sweet because it shows he cares. You love him so much. How could he break into your space?

Love can blind us to the fact that we are drowning. It's hard to admit that we still have a basic need for our own space.

But, the truth is, no matter how much we love our partners, they can and often do, cutting into our space more than we want. Unless there is clear communication, borders will be crossed.

Many times, we feel overwhelmed and there is nothing we can do about it. Maybe we feel like we need more time alone. Maybe we want to take up a hobby that our partner isn't interested in. There's something about the relationship that limits us and makes us feel a little suffocated.

When we are submerged for too long, we may start to feel trapped in the relationship and our feelings for our partner may suffer.

Sometimes, we don't even realize how much we need space. Or, we may realize that something isn't working, but let it slide for fear of disturbing the peace. Deep down, many of us are so afraid of abandonment and loneliness that we trade all our personal space for the illusion of relationship security.

It often takes an earthquake to realize that you need space for too long.

Why is space healthy in relationships

If someone had shown me this subtitle years ago, I would have closed my browser. For me, relationships are all about intimacy. Space is almost a dirty word - usually used before a breakup: "I need some space right now, so maybe we should stop seeing each other for a while."

But now I realize that personal space is as important to our relationships as air is to our bodies.

We all need time to relax, engage in activities we enjoy outside of our shared interests, and socialize with other important people in our lives. Space is also absolutely necessary for personal growth and personal development.

But perhaps the best part of personal space is that it rekindles the magic in a relationship. The interaction between you and your partner becomes more interesting when you no longer feel like a presence and the submerged resentment disappears.

You're really happy to see each other after some time apart. Something in the air feels like those early dating days. Suddenly, you can actually feel love, not just attachment.

Space, time and... money

Let me break it down. Personal space is not just for physical space, let's start with it. My husband and I used to share an office. This meant that neither he nor I had any physical space to call our own.

I've always known that I appreciate privacy. But when it came to him, well, I made an exception. It wasn't until after that terrible night that I realized how much I missed having my own space - metaphorically and literally.

After some consideration -- and a lot of rearranging -- I turned the rec room into my studio. Now we all have our own space and I like it. It's amazing what a difference having your own physical space makes.

Having your own space automatically helps you get your own time. But you still need to know when you need alone time. Simply tell your partner when you want to be alone.

If you're not used to doing this, it can be difficult at first. But it's worth getting in the habit of asking what you need before resentment starts to build.

Finally, there is money. There are many reasons why a couple might want to share finances, especially when children are involved.

But did you know that money is the number one reason couples fight? I don't think the problem is that they share their money. The problem is that they share all of them.

For some of us, keeping a percentage of our salary is very liberating. In fact, some marriage courses for engaged couples suggest doing just that.

Our money is the result of our time and energy, and being free to spend at least some of it without having to justify, explain, or explain it helps create a healthy sense of space.

Leave word

We all know that relationships are complicated. However, they are also the most valuable and rewarding parts of our lives. They are well worth their constant effort.

It's not always easy to tell your partner you need more space - whether it's a night out, a vacation with your girlfriend, a room of your own, or just permission to make decisions without his input. On the other hand, it can be hard to give space when your partner asks for it.

Think of it as a long-term investment. When space is taken out of the equation, what remains is commitment. Would you accept a relationship without passion and excitement? Very few of us. The good news is we don't have to settle down!

Take chances for yourself and your partner. Give each other a space to be unique individuals and bring something different to the relationship.

Give each other permission to enjoy this gift of life not only together, but separately. Give each other some space and you will receive a love that is warmer, stronger, deeper and more alive.