Why Do I Feel We’ll Cross Paths Again Someday?

It’s odd, these feelings I’ve been having more and more these days regarding you and me.

By all logic, I shouldn’t really be having them. Like so many things, the last time we met was well over a year ago. Not only that, but we ended on bad terms. And by “bad terms,” I mean that neither of us have wanted anything to do with each other for a good, long period of time — if ever.

Obviously, I’m so much better off without you than I ever was with you. Our relations together were conversations wrapped in a bow of chaos, always doomed to end in disaster at some point in the future. There was a pretty wide power imbalance between the two of us as well, with you having just about everything you needed at your disposal to bend things to your will — unlike me.

Most of all, though, you hardly treated me well. Sure, you showed me the bare minimum with mercy. You didn’t abuse me. But boundaries? Pffffffft. Just about everything that I trusted you with was verbally used against me later on. It didn’t even matter that I wasn’t concealing a named person’s confirmed horrendous behaviour or abetting legitimate long-term harm. Nope.

Looking back, I gave you my trust for way too long. It took less than a week after we met for yellow flags in our relations to show up — really, on your end. A lack of thought, a lack of care without simply admitting it at first. Soon enough, the red flags showed up as well.

I called you out. I didn’t completely let you off. But I still let you have a place in my life far past our connection’s best before date. By the time I let our correspondence expire, it was too late. The damage had already been done and would continue to haunt me for the following weeks and months.

At least with you out of my life for good, I can work on myself without your toxic influence directly surrounding me. You aren’t still talking to me. Why should I truly care what you think about my character?

On the other hand, though…I still kind of miss you. Granted, this is all much less than during the period between when I had first been cut off from you for a while and the very recent past up until now. However, I’m honestly not sure I’ll ever be able to completely shake off the feeling when much of why I could tolerate our bond was its “so weird, it’s almost good” quality at times.

Nonetheless, those moments of strangely missing give way to a peculiar set of emotions: that someday, we’ll meet each other again.

I’m not sure if you remember me that much. If you do, I highly doubt you think of me a lot — or even as much as I do. But I can’t deny you don’t seem to have forgotten me. I’ve checked your social media profiles from time to time, and I have seen my own creative work there. Not in the most flattering tone or tasteful manner, mind you, but still.

I do know this: you’re rather busy right now. You currently have so many other ventures to explore that you didn’t have back when we talked to each other — not to mention all the responsibilities which go with those. It only makes sense that I’m not at the forefront of your mind, and the rational part of me knows that’s a good thing.

But you’ve definitely changed. For the better or for worse? I certainly hope the former. In case we do somehow manage to cross paths again, though:

It’ll be different this time.

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