Who am I today?

I want to remember myself and my life, so I write it down.

Someone once told me to be an author I needed to have a more interesting, unique life. I thought about that for a while and realized some of my experience has been unique and could be of help to others. My life was not the norm. I so often felt alone, now I understand I'm not. I am not the first human to experience suffering, and if I can help one person by sharing mine, I will do so gladly.

Where to start ...

I am a woman trying to reclaim myself and learn my own identity after realizing my childhood was manipulated by a Borderline mother. I want to explore what having an un-attuned, unloving mother has done to my psyche on a macro level. I want to understand how this impacts my present relationships with my spouse and my own children.

After gaining understanding, I want to work toward a better future that includes healing from childhood abuse.

I have experienced infertility. I found out I have PCOS after two years of not being able to get pregnant. I have since been pregnant seven times - each pregnancy with its own difficulties. I have experienced one stillbirth at 17 weeks after my water broke unexpectedly. I have had three miscarriages, at 5, 7, and 13 weeks. Of those three, one required a D&C, one I used a pill at home, and one passed naturally with no medication. I experienced the loss of my daughter after I went into labor at 21 weeks. She came into this world en caul and stayed with us for 102 minutes. I have two sons, and they both had to be delivered at 36 weeks due to Cholestasis. They are my world.

I experienced a house fire when I was a young teenager. My neighbor was smoking in the middle of the night and got us all out. I watched as it burned. We lost everything. A bible was open on top of a pile of rubble and ash. It was somehow not burned, just lying there open to a passage that read "I will kindle a fire in your forests and consume everything around you...you will escape with nothing but your lives" That prompted me to go to church, for a while.

I am a Buddhist. I'm trying to be a better one. Namaste.

Due to the Nature of the Woman who Birthed me I made the decision to go full no contact. This choice caused a loss of relationship with all three of my younger brothers. As well as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. The only support people I have in my life are my husband and his mother, my mother-in-law.

My husband struggles with his own instabilities that cause our relationship to at times feel like a rollercoaster. I'm unsure if I have developed Borderline myself or am dealing with Complex-PTSD from ongoing and multiple traumas.

Three days after my youngest son was born, I received a 'close connection' on Ancestry DNA. I have a half-sister I never knew about. My father got a girl pregnant in high school and signed away his rights. It has been difficult learning who my father truly is. However, I have a new family member and a chance at a real relationship. I always wanted a sister.

This is me so far.

Mae B

I love writing. I love reading, researching, and learning new things. My passions are psychology, philosophy, religion, genealogy, child development, and parenting. My long-term goals are to write a memoir and to author several children's books explaining Buddhism and Mindfulness in a way young readers can understand.