Where is the love?

I recently watched Orgasm Inc: The Story of OneTaste, the documentary about Nicole Daedone’s sexual wellness company.

In the beginning I was taken by her message of the power taking things slow in the bedroom has towards building lasting connection. At last someone was saying what I have believed for years. But then her emphasis shifted to that sole objective of modern society: pleasure. And after that her company quickly devolved into a pseudo sex cult and S & M bondage club and came under investigation for a variety of charges from sexual grooming to fraud.

The company’s demise came as no great surprise to me, but it left me feeling disappointed. What is it with this insatiable need people have for pleasure when it comes to sex? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for sex being enjoyable, but the older I get the more I’m left wondering, where is the love? For an act that is all about making love, love is conspicuously absent.

No one talks about ‘making love’ anymore. When last did you hear someone say ‘we made love’? Use that phrase now and you’re liable to be laughed at and mocked for being old-fashioned.

And yes, I am decidedly old-fashioned. I’ve always been old-fashioned. In my twenties people thought I must be religious and in the sex-after-marriage camp, but that wasn’t so. I believed – and still do – that sex should be an expression of love, a physical union of shared vulnerability and emotional intimacy, celebrating trust, empathy and the bonding of mind, body and soul.

As I hit my thirties and forties, my growing reluctance to give of myself fully to someone who was only interested in the short-term and had no intention of building a life with me, made dating a nightmare and now as I face my fifties it’s intolerable – at this age, newly-single divorced men aren’t interested in settling down again. They’re embracing their freedom and don’t want to make a commitment, especially when they have the luxury of being able to date women half their age without anyone raising an eyebrow.

My love boat sailed years ago and left me behind standing on the dock holding onto my so-called ‘baggage’. Because apparently if you are not interested in sex for sex’s sake then there’s something wrong with you: you’re frigid, uptight, a prude… a freak.

It’s a twisted world we live in today that those of us with standards and values are now the deviants. It’s the like the scarlet letter of history, A for adulterer, has been replaced with P for prude. At least people don’t throw eggs and rotten tomatoes at me when I walk in public.

I long for poetry, transcendence, the beauty and purity of love unsullied by vulgarity. I know, I know, why do I have to be so uptight about sex? But seriously, take a moment and think about it. Why is it that sex is always associated with the vulgar, the sensational and provocative, the pornographic and degrading? Even all the euphemisms associated with the act and body parts are derogatory words. Gone are the days of soft pillow talk, now we’re expected to demean each other and talk dirty as a turn-on.

Is it any wonder that sex is at the root of so much self-loathing, broken relationships and hate? How can there be any place for love when the act of making love is filled with so little respect for each other? Imagine what relationships would be like if sex really was love making – if the euphemisms were uplifting and flattering? Imagine your partner whispering words of love, respect, admiration and loyalty in your ear. I’m sure I’m not the only one who would find that a far greater turn-on than being treated like a sex toy.

It’s sad that what the Baby Boomers started as the free love movement, the breaking free of rigid rules and conventions, has descended into debauchery and vulgarity. We’ve gone from rebelling against our grandparents’ closeted view of sex being a marital duty to it now being a form of entertainment, recreation, ‘just a bit of fun between consenting adults’ (as every potential partner I’ve had has put it when rejecting me after I started wanting more, aka emotional connection/love) and even a group activity.

How did the movement for the right to love and express love openly and freely turn into this soulless swipe right, instant gratification, disposable cattle market mindset? When I was in my twenties one-night stands were seen as a sign of promiscuity, but now they’re acceptable normal behaviour. Our grandparents’ view of marriage before sex may have been flawed and outdated, but it forced people to wait, to build connection and fall in love first.

Sure, the pursuit of pleasure is all very well, but when the motivation is self-gratification people will continue to feel hollow and connectionless. Sexual pleasure should be the seen as the serendipitous side effect of a strong love connection. But, a strong love connection will rarely be the side effect of sex for sex's sake. As long as people keep ‘having fun’ and ‘hooking up’, love will remain elusive.

Though I feel hope is lost for me and I will remain terminally single, I am heartened to see that there may be a change coming. I’m seeing an increasing number of videos in my social media feeds of young people saying they feel disillusioned with the throw-away hook-up culture they find themselves in and that they long for meaning. One young Instagram vlogger put it beautifully, he said he longs of a bygone era when going out with someone was about sharing a milkshake, holding hands and the innocence of a first kiss.

Perhaps we will see a return to abstinence, not in the name of chasteness and virginal purity, but rather in the name of holding out for love. I hope so.