Where do I stand?

Lately I’ve been arguing with myself. Going back and forth on what is reasonable and why I feel certain things. I’ve debated, made lists, weighed out the pros and cons. Questioned what I wanted and whether or not my gut feeling was correct. Spoke to my best friend, the only friend who could possibly understand, because like me, she goes through her days wondering the same thing- “Where do I stand?”

Let me explain.

At this point, it’s been almost a year since we reconnected.

I first met him in college, we had hooked up and nothing ever came of it. So we continued on with our separate lives, until he reached out almost 3 years later to discuss marketing for his brand. We went to lunch. Started texting and all of a sudden we were together every day.

With the start of the pandemic came quarantine, curfew, and a stay at-home order that only help bring us closer. Inseparable.

And I fell. HARD. He was my type, but more than that we could talk about anything. We had similar interests and goals. We understood each other. We shared moments and secrets, slept next to each other, road trips and movie nights, made plans for the future together.

For a few months, that was all it was. When I did finally work up the courage to ask about the mixed signals he was giving me, his eyes slowly filled with tears.

“I always mess up relationships. I can’t afford to lose you. I’m just trying to make sure I never lose you,” he said while moving hair away from my face.

So I left it at that, trying to convince myself to get over him because all he would ever be was a friend. A few weeks went by and something changed. A slip up on his end maybe. Sleeping next to each other became sleeping together, moments so different than our hookup in college. Even as I think back to that first night, I can remember exactly how his hands felt as they explored my body in the dark.

Fast forward two months, multiple intimate moments, and a shift in our relationship from friends to...? What was this? What was I to him now? I asked only to hear a response even more confusing.

“We’re working towards something. I’m yours and your mine, why do you need anything more official than that?”

It’s the actions for me. At the end of the day, if I’m left with more questions than before- something’s not right.

Eventually I got tired of asking for certain things and calling out certain behaviors. I was exhausted at the thought of proving myself day in and day out to someone who might never be ready for a relationship or at least not one with me. I felt lead on. I couldn’t question him about other women, but would see the ignored FaceTime calls around me or the way he’d occasionally disappear for hours.

So I broke my own heart and stepped away. My responses were short and cold. I stopped looking for him. I stopped doing the things he came to expect. He had become comfortable with having a girlfriend without reciprocating the actions of a boyfriend. “You don’t love me anymore.”

He couldn’t have been more wrong. Taking a step back hurt. But how else would he realize what I had been trying to explain? I needed him to take me seriously. I wanted more than the words. I wanted the actions.

Three months went by. We barely spoke. I tried moving on, pretended to be happy and almost convinced myself I was.

Then New Years came and I woke up on January 1st with a text from him. My heart dropped. “Break up with your man and be my girlfriend.” WHAT. So now he was ready? What had changed? Did it take him thinking I was happy with someone else to finally realize what I had been saying the whole time? Was he serious or would things be good for a week and then right back to the same bs?

Two weeks. Talking. Questioning. Sneaking away to see him. Spending moments with him like we had never been apart. I broke up with the guy I was seeing because in my mind I had always been his. All I needed was for him to prove it.

I reiterated the things I had felt. He reassured me that this wasn’t going to be like last time. We were both working towards the same goal and no feelings would get hurt this time.

How long are we going to be working on this goal for? Again I’m left with so many questions. Did he reel me back in only to string me along? Am I right back to where I was before? But he’s making more of an effort. Going on dates, being consistent, and as he says “loyal.”

Where do I stand? Is this question destroying us? Am I putting too much pressure on the situation or should we believe people when they show us who they are the first time?

When does love stop being enough to stick around?