When You Love Someone, You Don't Leave Them For Not Wanting Kids

I love watching wrestling. And reality television. 

What can I say? You learn things about the world from unlikely sources.

One of my favourite all-time wrestlers is Nikki Bella, one-half of the Bella Twins. She's a former two-time champion and the former fiance of John Cena. Yeah, that household name.

She and her twin sister, Brie, have a reality tv show called Total Bellas. Through her time on the show, she details her breakup with John. Despite his proposal and profession of love for her, Nikki ended up leaving John because he didn't want to have kids. Not just with her, he didn't want to have kids at all. He even had the snip.

At first, when I watched it all unfold, I didn't agree with Nikki's decision to leave John because of this.

She said she loved him. But it was clearly conditional. If he couldn't give her what she wanted in a very physical sense, she was out.

It didn't seem like that's what people who love each other do. All I could think was; isn't love meant to be unconditional?

If you ask me, Nikki didn't love John. Because when you love someone, and truly give your heart to them, you don't walk away because of a condition like kids.

Yet, people do. Nikki's situation is not unique, by any stretch of the imagination.

And there are people out there who don't quite understand what love is, how it manifests, and how you do it.

When people love each other, this is the reality.

Unconditional acceptance

Let's touch on a basic part of love. When you love someone, you accept people for who they are.

You accept their values on the world, you respect their beliefs and you bring them into your life knowing this is what you're going to get.

Well, roughly what you're going get.

Things happen. Life changes. But your love grows stronger because you have that initial foundation of respect and acceptance. 

You love them for who they are and who they will become.

What this acceptance also implies is that you don't try to change them. If you love them, you love them as is. You don't see their beliefs as a jumping-off point for negotiations, nor will you hope they will change.

Nikki Bella famously documented through her series that she hoped John would change his mind about kids. This attitude doesn't scream acceptance to me. Much the opposite.

Unconditional love can be a tricky concept in practicality.

There are going to be times when you can't accept the person you love; when they do things that violates you and your trust for them.

But falling out of love with someone because their goal in life doesn't align with yours? That's not what people who love each other do.

A change in reproductive circumstance

I want to move on past Nikki Bella, but I can't help but wonder if she hasn't quite figured out what it is to truly love someone.

In a more recent episode of her tv show, she talked about having kids with her now husband Artem. They were talking about reproductive fertility.

In this very candid conversation, she asked Artem if he would leave her if she couldn't have kids.

'I don't know,' he says. 'I don't know if it's something that I will regret for the rest of my life later on in my life and in our life.'

Yeah, that's not the answer that screams, 'I love you unconditionally, no matter what happens to you.'

What happened if she lost her ability to have kids because she had an accident? Or got cancer? Or because she could never have kids because sometimes that happens for some women?

If the roles reversed, I'm sure he would have been heartbroken to hear that. He would have felt like she was only with him for his reproductive parts.

It might have been that way in the caveman days. Ditch a partner for a fertile mate. But not anymore.

When you love someone, you accept their body and their physical limitations.

Because love is also about understanding and respecting you're loving a person, a human being, who goes through human problems like everyone else.

It seems like you only want to love someone when they're "perfect" by your standards.

Blind support, no matter how bad you look

Ok, so let's move on from Nikki Bella. I'll turn this inward for a moment.

There's a running joke in my life. When something goes wrong in my relationship with my husband, I'm the one to blame.

When he broke his ribs in 2012, when on a vacation in the US, and I was home in Australia, it was my fault. When he quit his job and moved firms, it was my fault. And when he had an accident whilst skydiving six months before we got together, it was my fault too.

It's not my husband blaming me. Oh no. It's his family. Certain members thereof.

These family members openly and privately blame me for anything that happens to change the status quo in their life. Even when it's widely documented I had nothing to do with it, still, the blame comes to me.

Sure, I say things. But as the in-law, I can't rock the boat too much. I can defend myself to a point.

Often I don't though. I'm happy to own the label of the bad guy because I'm supporting my husband. I don't care how it makes me look.

As long as he's happy, I will be the proverbial punching bag. I know I don't deserve the hate, and so does he, and that's all that matters.

That's what you do when you love someone. You become the bad guy so they can live a happy life.

Leave the crap at the door

And when I've stood by my husband's side in a hospital waiting room with period cramps and a can of dry shampoo in my hair, that's when I know I love him.

Because despite my bad day, a lack of showering, and my own pain, I put them aside for him when he needs me to. Or not even when he needs me to.

Sacrifice and love go hand in hand.

It's not very romantic to say but when you love someone, you're willing to give up things for them. You're willing to bend and move for your relationship so they can be happy.

You want to sacrifice.

In many ways, it doesn't feel like a sacrifice at all. It's just what you do when you care about them in this intense way.

Putting aside your own worries and concerns isn't easy. It takes tremendous strength not to put yourself first in every single situation.

Yet, that strength isn't hard to muster when you know it's love. You don't feel challenged by it, or a need to resist it. It's what you're compelled to do.

And if you don't feel that compulsion, well, it might not be love.

Acceptance of change

People always talk about the person they fell in love with. I fell in love with them because they made me laugh, they understood what I needed and they made me feel like I was their number one priority.

That instant feeling of love changes.

The reason why you fell in love with someone isn't the reason you continue to love them. It becomes more than that.

When it's real love, you accept, respect, and love the changes a person goes through.

Again, it's part of understanding the fact you're dating a human being who is going to go through stuff in their life.

You can't logically only love one version of someone. It's an impossible ask; everyone changes all the time. You're asking someone not to be human.

You would want them to love you despite your changes in values, wants, and needs. You would expect this as part of their love for you.

I understand change can go too far. The person you love can turn into an axe-wielding murderer. Yeah, I get you can't accept that change.

Down in the trenches

You know you love someone when you're willing to do what most people resist; go through the tough times by their side.

I think about standing in the hospital with my husband, on the odd occasion, and how I've looked around the room.

Sometimes I've noticed who is there. But most of the time I think about who isn't there.

Who hasn't shown up for their loved one? Who hasn't entered into this uncomfortable space to support their loved one? Who hasn't faced a tough conversation so they can be there for the one they love?

Getting into the trenches with someone means sacrificing, moving out of your comfort zone, and accepting what you can't control.

Again, it's not a tough ask when you love someone. It's not something you even think about when the time arises. You want to be there for the hard times.

You wouldn't have it any other way.

I've seen many romantic relationships break when the going got tough. I get how it happens. Stress has a remarkable effect on logic, patience, and tolerance.

But when there is love, when there is this devotion despite all obstacles, those tough times don't break a couple.

In many ways, it doesn't even test the love. It proves how much you love someone. And it shows how much you don't, too.

So, are you in love?

I'm going to ask you, again. Are you really in love?

Love is not what you say, or how you say it. It's what you do. You do love. You live love. You put yourself in uncomfortable situations because of love. You make sacrifices because that's love.

Is that something you're doing? Really?

Only you can answer that.