When Sex was for mere physical bodies

Pre-coital

Protecting herself from opening to anyone, this was a safe space of being with the opposite sex: doing cool and unusual things. At the same time, there was no danger of getting hurt as they all were unavailable and too close-hearted to engage emotionally. Only the sense of physicality remained: the well-embedded feel of how the body reacted to a substance and another body without any thought of moral dilemma.

Freedom was being exploited as it was never lived to the fullest before.

Post-coital

Delving into the mere physicality of sex, her heart sadly shone with these realisations:

Constantly allowing that dominating aspect to strain through the pores of physical contact is an attachment to what it should look like. Was she attached to how Man should be?

And it will eventually lose its touch of sharing a sacred space for each other to communicate clearly open-heartedly

Hence this ensues into a feeling of rejection that translates into a rigid sense of possession: imposing itself as almost invaluable.

Getting out of the closed space made for the physical body, she would then want to overshadow and impregnate the air with a certain kind of heaviness that could be sliced with a knife.

The two physical bodies would gear a repertoire towards each other but also get toxic once into each other’s space, like an unwelcomed hug.

Rejection would always come out of a locked bedroom where the mind would ponder over an idea again and again

Fabricate a web of lies over a net of limiting beliefs

Forcing herself to be content with this version that had nothing to do with the fantasies she built in her head

That lack of attempt in speaking her Truth alienated her from reaching that root cause, ensuing in a dismissive feeling

Her heart had been fully switched off .

This is a slice of how she undermined herself and succumbed to that charm of the outer appearances of a man, impenetrably vacant inside. However, both were in need of humanness.

They used each other to avoid loneliness

They lie on a thin layer of ice that sustains just this “kind” of friendship

She likes him and she knows they might be nothing but somehow it is better than her own company.

They both resist opening up and maintain our guards up.

This interaction brings more hollowness to them two individuals, but they keep going...

Deep down, in her psyche, her inner dialogue was growling the following;

It is imperative to go out there, get naked and come back inside. But if she is naked, she feels less worthy. She feels so because she has not been doing it right or was told that she could not fulfil the brief.

Wait, what was the brief? What demand loop did she have to fulfil?

These criteria were only based on other’s expectations and strained conditionings that led others to believe that they needed that resolve to feel good about themselves.

Being stuck on the physical plane then amounts to having an attachment to this reality of self-satisfaction. However, her own denial resulted in a process of self-enquiry.

Is she denying herself something bigger?

Is she denying herself of pleasure that is beyond physical but on a sensory as well as spiritual level?

Somehow she always ended up feeling useless and powerless with men

Inserting herself into a questioning cycle that erratically threw daggers at her

It was as if she belonged to someone or something.

Did she mean anything at all? Did it matter?

It got to a point where she stopped asking and kept conforming to what she thought were the terms and conditions of such an engagement.

Who made these up? What was she abiding by ? Not for herself, for sure

So in hindsight, she just morphed into this rug everyone walks over?!

Because she allowed it.

Because she made herself so malleable that she could be bent into any favored situation favourable to others

She would just be on the side or make herself feel small.

So petty that she would almost feel invisible.

By adopting this, her emotions, thoughts and feelings would gradually fade away into a genie’s bottle that no one was allowed to rub

Friction caused confrontation which led to heightened senses exploding into a child mindset desperately forcing out an adult persona to the public.

Ashamed, she was embarrassed by how all that had unfolded in her.

The dwindling feeling was always hard to locate and eventually, anger would resurface after shadowed moments of feel-good factor.

In this confused state, she has to navigate herself smartly out of it.

When she thought of saying goodbye to him, the mind does not comprehend it but the heart fully agrees

It could not decode this message and relayed broken signals to the body which in turn could not transmute.

Hence the body did its own thing and panics, deciding to go in a vulnerable mode.

So susceptible, she felt exposed but decided to give herself permission to grow

This is where she rediscovered herself and created her sacred space

Much needed, her boundaries were up with some imagination and vacuum

In giving herself back to her, she realised she was always capable of loving

She deserves love and being loved whilst loving was empowering

She could bring herself to a state of joy within

"I surrender to myself with full consciousness. I can find bliss in myself." she uttered so proudly

Discarding the bridge of the physical realm, the goodbyes and reminiscences, she walked away so powerfully.

Attuned within and crossing over the path of self to the Self

All actions are an impermanent state of being. The key is to observe and question within rather than participate reactively.