When I Tell You I Love You

In 1998 I had no idea what love was until I met you. At that time I was a mess. I had my heart ripped out over a million times, and my life felt like trash.

I walked on eggshells with everyone that I met. I was terrified to speak out and afraid to make friends. It was the loneliest time in my life that I had ever faced.

All the people who said they would be there, either hurt me or walked away.

I closed myself off, refusing to bother with anybody in an attempt to protect myself from getting hurt. I had become used to the pain after so many years of going through it, that getting hurt became something I expected.

Until you came along.

Where do I begin?

It's hard to express my feelings when someone leaves me speechless after so much abuse.

You always looked after me, made me smile even at times when I didn't want to, and you made me feel human in your company, at a time when I didn't feel human at all.

You showed me a side of me that I never thought was there, a side that was bright, confident, worthy, valuable, and lovable. It took me a long time to accept that I could be any of those things, and I had a lot of setbacks during those years when I was recovering from things that nobody seemed to understand, but you picked me up and encouraged me to stand on my own two feet every time, even when I was terrified to do it.

Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself.

You showed me that I wasn't a punching bag or an emotional kick bag and that I had every right to feel the way I felt about the abuse I had been through.

You taught me to speak out for myself, and now I am a changed person who speaks out and stands up for her own truth.

We were a special couple.

There wasn't a day going by when I wasn't excited to see you.

That was something special for me because I hated being in the company of others; though I felt safe and at ease in your company.

I finally felt normal, and after many months of pondering; I finally admitted that I loved you.

We married after that, and we have had our share of pain throughout these 20-plus years.

Everybody said we would finally split up, but we got through it; even after losing everything.

I know disabilities make life hard for you, and I know that some days you are afraid that I will walk away.

You were strong for me back then, now it's time to let me be strong for you.

I admit; I have days when I get down with myself, feel lost, and some days I feel lonely and like everything is a struggle. It doesn't mean I'm giving up, it is a signal to myself that I'm in need of self-care, and on those days I take space to do just that so that I can stay strong enough to look after you and myself.

My life would be boring and lonely without you.

My life is healthier with you in it.

So how do I say I love you?

• I loved you yesterday and today,
• I will love you tomorrow and always,
• I will love you at your weakest and strongest times,
• I will love you even if your disabilities worsen,
• I will love you in health when you are as healthy as you can be,
• I will love you in sickness, even on those worse days,
• I will love you when you are happy, sad, and in grief,
• I will love you when you are angry and moody.

I will simply love you for you.

When I say I love you, I mean it.

I also mean that I loved you back when there were no disabilities, and as you are today.

Disabilities don't mean unlovable. A person with disabilities needs love, and they need to be treated like people.

When I say I love you, I mean I always did and will; for all that you were, all that you are, and all that you will be in the future.

I love you.