When I say no, I feel guilty

We must be able to say no and assert our will before others. It is important to cultivate this facet, since at the same time that our determination grows, so does our self-esteem.

When I say no, I feel guilty. Has it ever happened to you? Pay attention to the following story.

Juan was walking with his father in the direction of the kiosk where he bought the newspaper every day. Upon arrival, they politely greeted the owner, who looked grumpy like every day .

He answered them with brusqueness and inconsideration .

Juan's father, while picking up the newspaper that the other had thrown at him in a bad way, smiled and wished the seller a good weekend .

When they both resumed their journey, the boy asked his father:

"Does he always treat you so rudely?"

Yes, unfortunately.

-And you always show yourself just as kind?

-Yes that's how it is.

– And why are you so nice when he is so unfriendly to you?

– Because I don't want him to decide how I should act .

The fully human person is one who manages to be himself . He is an actor in his own life, not a re-actor in the face of what others say or do.

He acts out of his own convictions, not out of reaction to how others act or what others expect of him .

Text adapted from Sydney Harris

When I say "no", I feel guilty: live saying what you feel. "Today I feel…"

Assertiveness is a person's ability to say NO , express disagreements, find a contrary opinion to oppose conflictive situations and do it not as the submissive does, which is negotiating with his principles, nor as the aggressive does, which is violating the principles of others.

The assertive is a person who is able to express their negative feelings without violating the rights of others or trying not to violate them. And you… Do you consider yourself assertive?

Walter Riso

"When I say NO, I feel guilty... But if I say YES, I go against myself and hurt myself . " This can be a common thought of any person at a given moment in her life.

Why do we feel this way so often? Because we live in a world that manipulates our wills , making us incapable of denying ourselves even though the consequences for us are negative.

It is important that we are not saying what others want to hear, but what we want to express. To do otherwise is to drink from the fountain of eternal unhappiness and eternal dissatisfaction.

When I say “no”, I feel guilty: what good will it do us to be assertive?

You're queuing to get on the bus and someone cuts you off. You get angry but you don't dare say anything to him .

A friend asks if you can pick him up at the airport. Despite the fact that he is terrible for you because you have a lot of work, you say yes. You don't want him to be mad at you .

You've been thinking for some time that you deserve a raise, but you don't raise it with your boss. It is clear that it is not the most appropriate as things are .

Have you felt identified with any of these situations? Have you remembered any other similar? In that case you have not acted assertively. You should have done what you thought at each moment but the others conditioned you.

The ability to express our will without remorse is a skill that we must cultivate and work on. If possible, this should be done from the earliest childhood .

What happens is that, those of us who are now adults, have grown up in a society that still did not give too much importance to this .

As a consequence, it is as likely that we have intuitively learned to say NO as that we have not. Be that as it may, it is costly learning, as it can lead to unwanted rejections or the loss of something we need, such as an employment contract.

However, paying attention to our wishes and needs is much more rewarding than not doing so , especially in the long run.

In this sense, we can quickly appreciate the fruits of our "no's", because we will assert our wills while our self- esteem , our determination and our self-love grow.

When I say “no”, I feel guilty: How can we be more assertive?

There are ways to try to be more assertive. The following may be some of them:

Replace your negative thoughts

You are not a bad friend for not picking him up at the airport, you are not an intolerant person for not letting them get in line at the supermarket and you are within your rights to ask for a raise.

Your emotions are not wrong, what is wrong is how you think about them . Defend your ideas and do not submit to the wishes of others.

Understand that our interlocutor does not always know what we are talking about.

Sometimes it is necessary to give explanations so as not to create misunderstandings . People can't read our minds. If you want others to understand your wishes, you must first explain what they are .

Defend “your truth”, not “the truth”

No one can make laws about how we should feel and how we shouldn't. Therefore, it is good to make others see that we are aware that we are in a world of gray, not white or black . No one can discuss your inner life with you.

Structure in your mind the message you want to convey

Once this is done, state it clearly at the right time and place. Speak from your feelings without blaming your neighbor .

It is radically different to say “You make me feel terrible” than to say “When someone does this I feel bad” .

Or, to take another example, it is much better to speak in these terms “ I would like to be able to finish my arguments without being interrupted” than in these “You are always interrupting my explanations!”.

Make use of the “fog bank” technique

Empathize with the other person 's opinion , let them know that you understand but that you stand by your position . " I understand you but regarding this I feel like this..."

Use the “broken record” technique to deal with insistence

Remember what your goal is, and no matter how tense the conversation gets, keep repeating it . Faced with the insistence of others, the rule applies "yes, but I tell you that I feel/want/think this..." . It consists of constantly reaffirming our position without being aggressive, just persistent.

In short, by following some of these techniques you could learn to be more assertive and thus feel less guilty. Remember that you may be able to assert your will and your desires.