When Does Jealousy of the Person You’re with Become a Problem?

Some of the most unpleasant, stupid, and exhausting arguments in a relationship involve people who have no idea they are a source of embarrassment: that friendship that has never been (said under oath) the subject of romantic thoughts; the super loving roommate; the co-worker or colleague who sends an endless stream of memes and cryptic jokes; the ex from a long time ago who is “a nice person.”

Arguing over the presence of a life outside of the partnership is a symptom that you lack the maturity required to be in a relationship. When the problem is narrowed down to a single individual, things become more complex — especially if you can’t figure out whether the problem is your own, or whether there’s anything wrong with their communication.

According to psychiatrist and relationship expert Rachel Sussman, jealousy is a perennial classic of marital difficulties. “It’s human nature to want to survive, to defend yourself and your family. We tend to believe that someone may jeopardize our connection, which causes us to worry, the dread of losing our loved one “. “We call this feeling ‘jealousy,’ but it’s the dread that something bad will happen to your relationship and you’ll lose the person you love.”

But, as natural as jealousy is, it does not have to fill your every thought or color your relationships. Take a big breath, think it over, and then attempt to strike up a meaningful discussion if you’re unsure whether you should talk to her about that particular connection that makes you uncomfortable — or if you’re tired of half-chat that simply produces uncertainty and animosity.

Talk to yourself first, then to the person you’re with.

If you believe envy accumulates over time or gives you ongoing distress, it is a problem that must be handled — not necessarily all at once, in the first phase.

Rather, experts advise you to reflect on your previous relationships and determine whether this form of envy is repeating. This way, you’ll know whether your sentiments are something you want to address by warning the other person, or whether you need to talk about how they can improve their views regarding this other connection.

It’s time to talk about it if you detect certain limits being breached.

According to QuaVaundra Perry, a psychologist who specializes in relationship suffering, there are two key indicators. “It’s concerning if he never invites you to go out with them. It’s the same as asking, ‘If it’s just a platonic thing, invite me!’ I may not be interested in the themes on which your friendship is founded, but please offer me the option to refuse,’ “. “Another indicator is how much emotional support you provide each other.” If you see that your spouse turns to this other person to vent their feelings, especially if they do it with them rather than you, and especially if they do it to vent about things in your relationship, you should have a dialogue with them (clear, but not accusatory).

Finally, the when is important. Are they still on FaceTime at 2 a.m.? Do they discuss their personal lives a lot after work or after class? These are limits that might be difficult to transcend in a relationship, but you determine them, and it must be considered that that other friendship may date back to the beginning of your narrative.

If you are feeling uneasy or the relationship is new, envy may be your only issue.

Experts believe there are signs that jealousy is “your problem.” If you have an obsession with the person you’re with’s ex, especially if that ex isn’t really in their life now (and maybe they text each other now and then or they only see each other in the evenings with mutual friends), it could be that you’re creating “fantasy jealousy” and worrying about a nonexistent threat, according to Sussman.

Sussman suggests asking yourself a few questions to figure out what is making you feel so uncomfortable. “Is there something about you that makes you uneasy? Why do you put this other person on a pedestal, comparing your happy relationship to something that went bad a long time ago?”

Perry adds that timing is also important: if you’re just starting a new relationship, you may be carrying emotional baggage from previous relationships, or you may need to familiarize yourself with the other person’s personality.

Plan the conversation in advance

Even if you’ve considered it and determined that your jealousy stems from your anxieties rather than the other person’s actions, it could still be a good idea to express your feelings — and explain that you’re working on it. “If the relationship is strong and has a strong emotional connection, it’s appropriate to say, ‘hey, I might ask you things from time to time that you’ll find bothersome, but that’s just because it’s something I’m working on,’” Perry explains. She also suggests talking to friends or a therapist about chronic jealousy issues, even if they are primarily connected to experiences of infidelity in prior relationships — this way, you won’t be placing all of a load of these feelings on the partnership.

If you feel you need to talk about that particular friendship that is bothering you, time and approach are critical. Sussman advises picking a date ahead of time. “When I need to talk to my spouse about something, I schedule it like a business meeting: ‘When do you have some time to discuss?’ I ask. He checks his calendar and gives me a day! “explains.

The tone is also important. Making the other person feel under attack is not a helpful approach to conducting a conversation. “He handles the matter in a non-accusatory manner as if to say, ‘Hey, I don’t think that’s your aim, but your connection makes me feel that way,’” Perry explains. “Then provide real instances” of actions that are not inclusive or breach crucial limits for you, and explain them clearly. Going through particular events will assist the other person to realize what is troubling you and will prevent you from making confused and passive-aggressive allegations that will lead nowhere.

Trust your instincts if the person you’re with seems hurried or defensive about the situation.

Even if you manage to express your envy as plainly and quietly as possible, the other person may become irritated or offended — whether because they believe you don’t trust them, or because they are ashamed at not comprehending the significance of the situation. These “negative” emotions are common and worth discussing; but, be prepared for the possibility that the matter may not be resolved in a single conversation.

Insults, scornful tones, and defensive postures, on the other hand, constitute a red flag. “A negative reply is like, ‘You’re out of your mind, jealous * of the stuff, it’s just your insecurity, get it straight,’ or use the best defense — that is, an attack -, saying things like, ‘What are you talking about, is you. that you constantly flirt with everyone!’” Sussman adds. “If this happens, respond with, ‘Your reaction surprised me.’ I wanted to have an open dialogue because having uncomfortable conversations enhances relationships. ‘Your actions wounded me, and I have nothing more to say.’”

If she is the unusual one, the premise that there is something strange about the person you are with and a friendship with him is entirely irrelevant. “If this is her reaction to your desire to have a deep and intimate talk, where are you going?” Sussman wonders.

At the very least, you’ll have a new friendship to cultivate.

Hopefully, the person you’re dating does not refer to you as “a neurotic and control freak.” He should accept your point of view and explain his reasoning, working with you to find a solution that is beneficial to all parties. “Even if he disagrees with what you say, he needs to listen to you and accept what you hear as valid,” Perry adds. “I want to teach people that validation is about noticing something rather than agreeing on it.”

If the person you’re with is willing to modify habits that violate crucial limits for you as a pair, that’s fantastic. However, it may not be enough to soothe your imagination. Fortunately, there is an easy solution: go on a threesome and attempt to create an individual connection with this other person. If he has good intentions, he will gladly accept you into his life.

Of course, it is not necessary to become soulmates right away. However, observing how the two of them communicate while building some type of friendship works well for reducing tension. It’s easy to be envious of a mysterious, brilliant, and extremely attractive individual who shares a house with the one you love. It’s far more difficult to be envious of Andrea, the talented and very gorgeous girl who shared a house with the one you love and who you just beat at cards.

Thank you for reading

Wero

Wero