What You See Is What You Get

If I start at the beginning, I’ll never reach the end. If I start at the end, you won’t understand why I am the way I am. So maybe I should start in the middle? If you get lost you won't be the only one!

I was forty-four years of age when I took back control of my life. It hasn’t been easy, but it has definitely been the best decision I have made for myself. For the first time, my path has been chosen by me, not others.

In being something for everyone else, mother, partner, daughter, business owner, sister, I had lost my entire self. In fact, I can say with certainty, I hated myself. I did not even recognise myself.

Everything changed on May 1st 2015 when I told my partner I wanted a divorce. There was no “I think I want” or “can I please have”. I did not give him that option. I wanted out right then and there. Please don't get me wrong. My ex-partner was not a bad man, he just wasn't the right man for me.

Somewhere, somehow a switch inside me had been flicked on and I had no choice but to move forward. I couldn’t go back to what was or had been, and I couldn’t remain where I was in my life path. Up until that point in my life, everything I had done had been to please others - my parents, my friends, my partner, and society.

As a child, I excelled at school to ensure my parents were proud of me. I went to University to make my father happy. I got married and had children because it was socially expected of me. At no point was I encouraged to make choices that made me happy.

But in that one single moment, I took back control of my life. I returned to my childhood to find what brought me the greatest joy. Being challenged made my mind happy, being creative made my soul happy. Which has lead me back full circle to writing.

My love affair with writing began with my love of books. I have been a bookworm my entire life, often devouring several novels each week. This lead to my fascination with the English language, which then blossomed into my desire to write. The desire to write and publish a novel has been with me since I was a teenager.

I blame Stephen King, Anne Rice and Dean Koontz for this obsession with reading and writing. More than anything in the world, I want to think like they do when they write their books. The storylines, the ideas, the characters, the descriptions! I would give everything I have to have dinner with Stephen King and just converse with him. That thought makes me giddy and weak at the knees.

My love of English and writing lead me to study journalism at school as my second major, and by the end, I absolutely detested it so much I couldn't continue in that career path. My first major was Applied Ethics and Philosophy. Ethics and journalism don't mix. Nope. Nada. Not a good choice.

I am in a good place now after years of battling depression. I still have anxiety but I can keep that in check most of the time. These mental health issues stem from a serious trauma in my childhood, but it is only recently that I have learnt just how much I have been affected. That one incident changed me. It changed my whole life, and I sometimes wonder what would it have been if it had never happened?

Losing my mother, grandfather and a brother, all recently, and within five years of each other, left its mark on me. I struggled. I took quite a few steps backwards before I was able to move forwards once again. I have learnt to live life how I need to live because tomorrow is not a guarantee. It's a gift, and it needs to be appreciated and treasured.

But I guess I wouldn't be the me that I am without it. It has taught me not to judge others, even if I have walked in their shoes, and I expect the same consideration in return. This has led to a lot of conflict with other family members as many do not agree with how I have chosen to raise my daughters (of which I have two). But I view that as their issue, not mine.

My other great love is animals. My entire life I have had pets, and have never been without them. My mother was a feline lover and I definitely inherited that gene, but there have also been dogs, tortoises, ducks, quails, budgies, rabbits, rats, a cockatoo, and a pony. The ultimate dream would be a house with enough land to keep all the animals I would love to rescue.

If I go back to the beginning, I can tell you that I am from Polish grandparents on my mother's side and a mix of Scottish-Irish-English on my father's side. I have a wicked sense of humour, and sarcasm is often my middle name. During my lifetime I have attended something like fifteen different schools, and have moved house over thirty times. Yes, you read that correctly.

Within our entire family, I am the only child to have attended university. As such, everybody's expectations were high, and that was a huge burden to bear. This is probably why I tend to be an overachiever. On the upside, this is why I can proudly say I am a member of the Golden Key Honor Society.

If I had chosen to follow a different life path, I would probably be a veterinarian, a crime scene investigator, or a spy. My addiction to all the CSI series, the Criminal Minds series, and all horror and murder-mystery stories probably borders on the unhealthy. But I am what I am and cannot help myself. Interrupt me at your own peril.

There are two things that my brain loves more than anything - a challenge and a puzzle. Fortunately, writing gives me both. My only concern with writing is that if I am ever arrested and someone goes through my search history, no amount of explaining is going to save me.

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