What's The Point?

I don't know if its me as a person or if i attract these kinds of people, or if its part of some greater or plan (if you believe in that destiny nonsense).

I just don't get why people say one thing and then when the subject is bought up again they say something completely different.

I honestly would give up my life to just be able too meet one person who does what they say, keeps their word or something along those lines.

In my thirty years of living, i am yet too have a promise made kept, or something that has been said done, an offer that was never asked for fulfilled.

Is it just me as person, is it the type of people i somehow attract to myself, is it just The so called God or higher being having a laugh.

Why do people constantly say things and then say something different later, why promise me something if your never going to fulfil it, why offer something even after i continuously reject said offer, to only back down once i finally accept it.

Do these people enjoy watching the disappointment, struggle and pain i go through afterwards. Why in thirty years have i not had even one promise kept, or one offer followed through, or someone say the same thing they said last week.

And yet, i'm criticized and condemned when i finally lose my shit or have a breakdown.

Why am i judged for turning cold and pessimistic when no one is ever true to their word or honest with me.

Why would you bring home a puppy and another one a year later to only kick me out a few months later. Why gift me with things that literally say "you'll always be my forever", or write little notes, saying how much you love me and how much i mean to you along with a ring and bracelet, only to to say you dont wat me anymore less than a month later.

Or Why,

Talk and offer about helping me get a car after ive lost my home and my whole life only to harshly refuse to help with the car and even refuse to loan me the car when last week it was all good.

or,

Offer to help pay a bill that I keep refusing to accept, and then after months of pestering me offering to help with it I finally say yes. And then the day after the first payment is due, you tell me your no longer able to help out and didn't even make the first payment that i never wanted you to make in the first place.

Why, say I'm looking better than what i have in years after i start dating him, even though in reality i was using more than what i had ever used. Why say i looked happier than what you had seen me in nearly two decades when, i have never felt as much pain, loss and heartache than what i have in the past four years.

Why is it that no matter how hard i try and no matter how much i change, or how much effort im the one putting in to something, why is it always me that hasn't done enough or should go the extra mile.

Why is it you only call when your other kids dont answer. why am i only asked to go shopping because their not available.

Why did he never take my side, or stick up for me when i was called a gold digger even though i never used his dollars unless i had no choice. Why did he never stick to plans he suggested with me first? Why did he never put me first or make me a priority when he was always the first on mind. why did he never make me breakfast in bed like he promised in four years yet i was making him breakfast in bed at least 2-3 times a week for four years. Every morning woke up with a coffee next to him for four years.

why am i constantly surrounded by people that say one thing today and something different tomorrow. people who promise and promise and promise but never once fulfilled any of the promises. people who constantly offer things that i never asked for to only back down and not follow through once ive finally accepted.

I know it seems like im complaining and sooking about miniscule things or only a few different people. But these are the current things tormenting me that have neem happening in the past four years. and its not even a quarter of incidents from the past four years.

i Keep thinking that its all my own doing, that my expectations are to high and its my own fault for having expectations in the first place. I used to live my life by one main saying. "don't expect anything from anyone or anything. Have no expectations full stop. No expectations means no disappointment". I wish i had never started to have even the smallest expectations again. Never wanted anything, or hoped or had dreams for the future. You cant be let down if you don't expect or want or hope for something.

I HOPE I CAN GO BACK TO NO DREAMS NO EXPECTATIONS NO HOPES NO WANTS.

I HOPE I CAN NEVER BELIEVE THAT IM A PRIORITY OR WILL COME FIRST TO SOMEONE. I HOPE I NEVER DELUDE MYSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT SOMEONE IS LOYAL TO ME FIRST. BECAUSE IN MY THIRTY YEARS I AM YET TO STILL KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS LOYAL TO ME, SOMEONE WHO PUTS ME FIRST, HAS MY BACK, DOES SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SEE ME SMILE. SOMEONE WHO WILL PUT IN A LITTLE MORE EFFORT THAN ME OR IS WILLING TO PRIORTISE ME BEFORE THEMSELVES OR FRIENDS. SOMEONE WHO IS HONEST, SAYS THE SAME THING TOMORROW AS THEY DID TODAY, FOLLOWS THROUGH ON AN OFFER OR KEEPS A PROMISE NO MATTER HOW MINISCULE IT IS.

I think all I really want is to know what its like to be loved unconditionally, or not even loved, just cared for. To know what its like to matter to someone or to have an impact on their lives and not be forgotten or abandoned or thrown away when something better comes a long, or what they were waiting for comes back.

I'm tired of always being a fill in. the for now daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend. I'm tired of having no meaning to anyone. Maybe no one can love me while i don't love myself. But ive never believed in that philosophy.

How am i meant to have faith in myself when no one has ever had faith in me or believe in myself when no one has ever believed in me. If i have never mattered why would i matter to me.