What Not to Do on a First Date?

Hey there, this is Kewal Kumar, and today I want to talk to you about one of the worst dating practices that you can do in your life.

Now, this is going to sound counterintuitive and chances are you might not agree with this,but hear me out on this one.

One of the worst dating practices you can do is to get excited about someone else.Now, you’re probably thinking, “Of course I would get excited, Mat, about someone else because they’re potential.

Like they’re potentially amazing and they’re gorgeous and they’re good-looking and they seem to have all these amazing qualities and we’re going out Friday night.

Why wouldn’t I get excited?

That’s the natural human response.”

And yes, it is the natural human response but here’s why it’s destructive.

There’s two ways and two reasons why it actually doesn’t lead you to more of what you want. It actually positions you for what you don’t want.

Reason number one – and this might not be obvious at first but hopefully you’ll see it after I explain it but – excitement is actually in alignment with scarcity because the only time we ever get excited about something is when we’re excited about the possibility of having something we don’t currently have, meaning we’re in this state of being.

When we’re excited, that’s in a state of being of scarcity, of not having, and scarcity begets scarcity.

Abundance begets abundance, right?

When you’re in this excited state, you’re actually in a not having state. And chances are you’ve been on dates with people who are super excited to be on a date with you and they’re like, “Oh my god! This is the best date I’ve had in like five months, or the only date I’ve had in five months,” and they’re really excited.

Naturally, that hits you as like, “Well, why are you so excited about this?

Like do you not have other options?” and we start to sense this scarcity, right?

And human beings, we follow suit.

If nobody else is interested in this person, then what’s wrong with them?

Maybe we shouldn’t be interested in them either.

The second reason that this leads to what you don’t want is that anything that gets excited gets to a peak state, right?

Well, what always follows a peak?

A valley.

A low point, right?

So when you get to a peak state, it always follows with a valley or a low point and that’s where you get into the dating dumps, right?

That’s where you get into the love lows and it can feel like you get super excited for a date, it doesn’t go well, you slam down, you pick yourself up, you dust yourself off, you say, “I’m going to be resilient,” you go out again, you get super excited about the potential of this and then it doesn’t work out and you slam down again, you wasted your time.

And after you get slammed down consistently, the human response is to say, “Screw this!

Like this isn’t any fun.

I don’t want to do this. I’m done with this.” And maybe you’ve experienced that as well.

I’ll give you a quick story of when this happened to me.

And I’m a little embarrassed to start the story this way, but I was at Chili’s with some friends and we were sitting there on this Friday night and I look across the restaurant and there I see this gorgeous woman in her early 20s and she’s having dinner with two older women – I assume like her mom and her aunt. And so I’m talking to my buddies and I’m like, “Should I go and talk to her?”

And imagine, this is super awkward.

We’re at Chili’s, you know, it’s bright in there and I’m going to make a cold approach to a table with this woman and her mom and potentially her aunt I’m assuming. And so they’re pumping me up, they’re saying, “Yeah, Kewal.

We want to watch you go and do this,” and so I’m like, “Fine.”

So I walk over there like, “Hey you guys!

How are you enjoying your meal?” and I’m kind of acting like I’m the manager of the restaurant and just having fun and playful with them and luckily they were open to me and bantering with me and having fun and it turns out it was this woman’s mom and her aunt and so I said, “You know what?

This is a little bit awkward, but I could not let this moment escape me without taking the opportunity to say to you,” and I’m turning to the woman, “that you are beautiful. And I would love to take you out on a date. And if you mom and aunt agree that it’s

okay, would you be willing to say yes?” And I look to the mom and the aunt and they look at each other and they’re laughing, they’re like, “Yeah, okay.

It’s great.”

And so she says, “Okay,” and she gives me her number and we set up a date for the next weekend. And so all week I’m planning.

I tell her when I’m picking her up and I’m going to take her to some place special and so I’m planning what we’re going to do and I’m calling my friends saying, “Hey, where should I take this girl?”

So one of my buddies gives us the best restaurant on 23rd Street in downtown Portland and so I’m imagining all week what it’s going to be like with this girl and I’m super excited about it. My excitement level is through the roof and I’m looking at like what’s coming up for me and I start not just planning our first date, but I start planning our second date, I start planning our third date, right?

I see a U of O football game coming up. I’m like, “Oh my god, I could take her to a U of O football game.” And then I see this concert coming up with all these R&B bands going to come and play at this concert.

I’m like, “I could take her to this concert,” and I’m imagining her by my side like looking sexy at this concert. And then I start thinking, “Oh my gosh.

I have a vacation coming up in six months to Cabo San Lucas.

How awesome would that be if we actually went to Cabo together. This would be my first vacation with a girlfriend. That would be awesome.” And I’m imagining us laying on the beach and I look over and she’s in her sexy bikini and we’ve got some Miami Vice blended drinks in our hands and the green ocean water.

I like going through all this, right?

I’m futurizing about the potential of what this amazing relationship could be.

We haven’t even been on one date yet, right?

And I’m a heartfelt romantic – and I don’t know if you know that about me – so my mind’s going to this futurized place. So Friday night comes, I pick her up, she’s looking amazing. We went to this restaurant. It’s off the charts, buzzing with people and bartenders like spinning drinks behind the bar and waiters and waitresses zipping around serving food. We sit in this booth and it’s this swanky, cool booth. I open up the menu and every meal is $30 or more. And I gulp like, “Oh my god, I was not expecting this.

My buddy totally sent me to the most expensive restaurant in Portland.” But I’m like, “Alright, it’s cool.” We order, we start talking and immediately it’s like we’ve got the handbrake on this conversation.

Like we’re struggling to get it going. I’m trying to find common ground.

I’m like, “Hey, so what is it that you do?”

She’s like, “Um…

I stay at home a lot and I like to go shopping and…” and I’m going, “Oh, man.

Like this is not good.”

And I’m fishing for things at this point for us to be connected on and I’m like,

“Oh, do you like any sports like football?”

and she’s like, “No.

No, no, I really don’t like football or

I don’t like any sports.”

I’m like, “Oh.

What about music? Do you like music?”

I actually just said, “What kind of music

Do you like it?”

“You know, I’m not really a big music fan.”

Like what?

Like not a music fan?

What are you talking about?

Who doesn’t like music, right? And so I was like, “Okay,” and I said, “Well, what about – hey, have you ever traveled?

Like do you love to travel?

Have you ever been to Mexico, like Cabo San Lucas?”

And she’s like, “No, like it’s not safe down there.

I don’t like to travel.

I pretty much just like to stay here and stay home.” And, you know, it’s just completely flat lined. Like there’s no life in this conversation. I’m trying to get the paddles out like, “Clear!”

You know, “Clear!” trying to get something going and it’s just dead. And so I pay this bill that’s way over $100, and at this point in my life that was a lot of money and I’m just sick to my stomach like, “Oh my god, I just wasted all this time, all this money,” and I’m just feeling down.

I’m like, “alright, let’s go,” and I drop her off and she’s like, “I had such a great time.” And I’m like, “Yeah….”

You know, and so I was like, “Oh,” dropped her off, didn’t say anything, and as I’m driving home I’m feeling so down and I’m feeling so depressed.

And that night I’m like, “You know what? Screw this. I’m not going out anymore. I’m not taking girls out. This sucks.” And I realized that the reason why I felt so down – it wasn’t because I just had a bad date.

It wasn’t just because that didn’t work out. It was because I lost an entire relationship that night, right?

I lost a football game date, I lost a concert date, I lost a vacation with an amazing woman.

Why?

Because I had built all these images in my mind. They weren’t even real and frankly, I wasn’t even that present to what was happening because I had created this future version of what could be and I wasn’t really present to what was. So that’s a perfect example of how we do it to ourselves.

We actually create our own peaks and our own valleys when we could actually create a much more consistent experience and an experience that’s harmonious with abundance and that’s harmonious with love. And so how can we make the mental move?

How can you make that energetic shift to be in alignment with more love and abundance rather than with scarcity, right?

And so here’s how you do it: instead of getting excited about an opportunity, you can have positive expectations, but shift the feeling to a feeling of gratitude.

Now why gratitude?

The reason that you want to generate gratitude is because gratitude is harmonious with abundance, right?

The natural feeling states when we have something – when you have an abundance of money, I feel grateful.

Like, “Wow, I’m so grateful for all this prosperity that I’m experiencing.”

When you have an abundance of friendship and time and you’re on this amazing trip maybe with your friends, you’re like, “I’m so grateful for this experience with this time.” Or when you have an abundance of love and you’re saying, “I’m so grateful for this love and connection that I’m feeling.” Gratitude is harmonious with abundance and abundance begets abundance. When you’re in a state of gratitude, that leads to more love and that leads to a more positive experience and it leads to way less backlash and crashing down into the valley and needing to climb out of that experience. And so the first step is to generate this feeling of gratitude for what you have, that you’re grateful for the opportunity to have a date, right?

You’re grateful for this experience that you’re going to have with this person come

Friday night.

You’re grateful for the ability to practice generating attraction and connection, you’re grateful for the ability to practice your conversation, you’re grateful for the state of positive energy you’re in right now because of this date that’s coming on Friday night. That’s very different than high levels of excitement. And the second piece to this is to stay present. Refuse to futurize, right?

Stay present and just let the person who’s in front of you reveal themselves to you.

Discover them, be interested in them and use it as an opportunity to practice giving love, being a person of increase to that scenario rather than just looking for what you can get. And when you’re present and when you come from this place of gratitude, every date, no matter what happens with it, becomes a much more positive experience.

The lows become way less low.

You’re able to stay on this place of high vibration and you’re able to accelerate your love life and the whole thing just becomes a lot easier and a lot more fun.

So I hope this serves you in your dating and love life.

take it on this article, so please post a comment.

your love to a whole new level.

Thanks so much for reading.

I’ll see you soon.