What makes a good friend?

What makes someone a good friend? I mean a friend, not an acquaintance, not a Facebook connection or classmate... a genuine friend?

I suppose there are as many opinions about that as there are people. I like to think that I’m a good friend to others. If someone would like to be my friend I feel that one of the main things I will truly appreciate and be thankful for..is you trying to understand me. Look, I am not saying that is at all easy .. as understanding myself is still a work in progress even at this late stage in life! I for my part will help you with that..I am willing to share...and I will try to understand you ... and will make every effort to connect with you, where you are. It’s just not always possible. I HATE to let people down... but if someone lets me down... and doesn’t want to examine or acknowledge that they may have misunderstood, demonstrated lack of care towards the friendship, in short prefer to be “right” rather than happy in the connection. ..I have been known to walk away and barely glance back. And that really doesn’t sit well with me. If I let someone down, I feel I’ve failed, as a friend and perhaps I don’t deserve their friendship, even if they are prepared to cut me slack. I rarely cut myself slack. Friendships of mine have failed because I haven’t been happy with myself, rather than it really being about the other person.

WHAT I EXPECT FROM MYSELF

What then are some other things that make a good friend from my perspective ? I think the important qualities that would probably be universally agreed upon..such as honesty, humour, empathy, generosity, trust, and encouragement. Although these universals are Important, if not critical, those qualities are.. well, for me, there’s more. Honesty tempered with kindness.. humour without teasing or cruelty.. empathy to the degree of allowing and creating space for those feelings that that viewed through society’s “norms” are awkward, silly and inappropriate ... but are still REAL . If I can’t offer that to you I’m not a good enough friend for you. That’s how I feel... you on the other hand, might make allowances or have different priorities...

HIGH EXPECTATIONS

I hold you to those high ideals too... it doesn’t matter if I don’t hear from you from one years end to the next, if you are honest with me with kindness, know when to leave things unsaid, and when to definitely speak even when it’s hard, hear me when I speak and let me do so, can see where I’m coming from with my messy and inconvenient feelings... and understand I’m always at least trying to do right by you.and are never cruel... I feel you will have me for life.

SHARED

But of course it’s much more complex than that. Not only do people change within themselves ... another crucial factor I haven’t mentioned is common ground. How did you meet? Why have you built a bond? Is it your love of gaming, golf or food? Or a million other things that you might love for life or for five minutes. I wouldn’t underestimate the importance of these shared loves. Once one of you loses interest in any of them a fairly important strut holding up your friendship... is gone and you would have to had built up a very strong connection via all the fields described above... for your friendship not to falter or fade.

“SOCIAL” MEDIA

I’m sorry, but Facebook doesn’t count, not for me... it’s a different kind of connection altogether. Lockdown and pandemic life has meant that maybe it’s taken way more seriously than it should be.. and even before then .. it’s sometimes “fake cheer” and pretty pictures not to mention it’s likes and dislikes, ferocious opinions and triggering posts make it an obvious object of mistrust. If I think someone is going to push my buttons on Facebook, it’s probably goodbye. That actually does not mean I don’t want to be friends... if an ongoing connection exists in real life, then I may be glad to keep that. In contrast I have many connections on Facebook I will never meet in real life... they make me laugh, they say interesting things, they might enjoy my writing or fix me up with work . It’s a different connection as I say... I have real friends on Facebook too... and I rarely communicate or comment on their posts should I happen to see them. I just talk to them! And I have real friends off it. Truly It’s not great... it’s just become one big advertising hub.

MISUNDERSTANDING CENTRAL

If you are attracted to your friend.. it’s a minefield. The simple short answer to that is ... don’t go there, if you value that friendship . The fact that there can be subtle nuances or it can be fun to experience that attraction, or that there are many different types of attraction ( and that’s an article for another day....) That can be easier said than done. You can’t necessarily even know where you are with it all, .. if it’s something you value highly or not.. you may never get to know them well enough. It’s difficult if you met through a shared activity or there can be many other barriers. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt that keeping goodwill is paramount. You “downgrade “ as it were to acquaintances rather than friends... it’s still preferable to a hideous mess of misunderstanding and enmity. Even if I’m never going to cross paths with you again... I’d rather keep goodwill or even good enough will....

But you are going to face an uphill battle to tease out these matters, if you feel an attraction that is not purely and strictly platonic. It’s easier , sadly, not to bother being friendly with that person.. it’s the wrong kind of energy..If the friendship meant anything you’ll feel it. The Loss of it. And if anything it’s worse than losing a romantic and/or sexual relationship. But you’ll get over it and you have plenty of friends you have no attraction to beyond enjoying their company... these are the bonds that can become strong.. and are more able to weather the storms of life.

I think that being a good friend is right up there with life’s great achievements. I hate to fail in this arena. All I know is that I try and I try hard ... I won’t give up unless I’m confronted with cruelty or punitive attitudes It’s something I can’t take lightly.

What makes a good friend for you?