What I’ve Learned From my Relationship

This piece is dedicated to my beloved boyfriend, Theodore “Theo” Kimberling. Theo has undoubtedly taught me what love truly is, what it looks like, what it feels like, and what it means to be in love. Prior to initiating my relationship with Theo, which began on May 14, 2021, I was in an extremely toxic and unhealthy relationship with different guy— a guy who manipulated, gaslit, and cheated on me, and who certainly had a palpable superiority complex. I dated my only ex-boyfriend from October of 2020 until March of 2021. The emotional distress from the catastrophes of both the tumultuous relationship and the disorderly breakup caused by clear infidelity, undeniably caused me feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, anxiety, fear of never finding someone better, stress, deep depression, and a wide spectrum of other excruciating emotions. I felt like I deserved to be treated poorly— I had already been struggling with my self-esteem for almost the entirety of my life up until I dated my ex, and that immature slimeball truly enabled many of the doubts and worries that I had about myself, and reduced any confidence that I had in myself.

He was either totally oblivious that he was an asshole, or he knew and blatantly did not give a shit that he was constantly hurting me because he had no empathy. I’ll never really know, but I believe the latter to be true. He would lie to me to constantly, and every single time that I caught him in a lie, he would deny my well-founded and undeniable accusations of his dishonesty. There were many other issues with that relationship, but the point is— he was my first boyfriend and when I was at one of my most vulnerable phases, he planted this idea in my head that this treatment was what I deserved.

I was an emotional wreck throughout March and most of April of 2021. I honestly wasn’t completely stable until the very day that Theo randomly sent me a message on Snapchat one day in May. I was working as a cashier at a Wawa at the time (a high-end convenience store, for those who aren’t familiar), and during a slow-moving shift, I saw a notification pop up on my phone. I didn’t really have much to do at the time, so I checked to see whom had messaged me. I saw that the message was from a kid named Theo, who I had on Snapchat from a previous exchange.

Allow me to explain— one of Theo’s longest and closest friends sells marijuana to many people around our area. He was essentially the reason that I met Theo, because I wouldn’t have had Theo on Snapchat if it weren’t for the situation that I’m about to explain. This friend of Theo’s regularly sold marijuana to me before he was put on house arrest following a whole fiasco that I’m not going to explain. So, Theo would sometimes sell it on his behalf, and he sold it to me one day. He later told me that he thought I was attractive and looked at my Instagram account. This transaction took place on January 31, 2021, so I was still dating my ex at the time. On April 18, 2021, about a month after my ex and I broke up, I posted a slideshow of two selfies on my Instagram with the caption “i finally feel free”, indicating that I had finally felt liberated from my past relationship. That was the point of the post, and that was the truth— it took me a month to recover and compose myself following the messy deterioration of my first relationship— but I eventually did it, to a degree. Theo also later revealed to me that when he saw that post, that’s when he started to plan to shoot his shot. He also said that he wanted to ensure that I was ready for another relationship before he made any moves. I thought that was extremely thoughtful and quite charming for him to consider that.

Though I can’t remember exactly what he said, when Theo first sent me a Snapchat message, I was instantly intrigued. This was May 6, 2021. I briefly recalled our interaction back in January, since I had recognized his name and became genuinely perplexed when I saw that he had sent me a message. We began chatting casually about random things, asking each other random questions to get to know each other, and the conversation led to me asking him to come over and smoke with me. I knew Theo found my forwardness attractive, and I was also aware that Theo was generally attracted to me. There was really no other valid reason as to why he would be arbitrarily hitting me up and making conversation with me.

We hung out the next day, May 7, 2021, for the first time. We had the shared interest of smoking marijuana, yet many people know when someone asks someone they’re attracted to, to smoke with them, that usually insinuates something else, along with the smoking. Let’s just say one thing led to another, and Theo and I established not only an amazing sexual connection, but an emotional connection as well. We have always been very similar, as well as different, and that balance of similarities and differences creates health and stability in our relationship.

Theo and I have many shared interests, including smoking in general, as well as cannabis compositions, like terpenes, strains, different forms of THC, and the general science behind different strains and different highs. We love to discuss that kind of stuff, and our mutual admiration for cannabis, its benefits, and the science behind it, has strengthened our relationship. I don’t think many people would believe that marijuana could be such a bolster for a healthy relationship, but it’s worked for us. Our bond hasn’t necessarily been enhanced by this specific natural substance, but our mutual interest of it is what has brought us closer, and it’s what got us initially together.

Another common interest Theo and I have is our desire to explore. Theo and I adore to go on adventures together and travel to new destinations. We also both love to plan the future. It relieves me that the future doesn’t appear to scare Theo. In fact, he seems to be looking forward to it. We have many travel ideas for the future, as well as ideas for other aspects of our future together. I most definitely envision a future with Theo. Since I was fresh in my youth, I have always revered planning my future. Through life’s constant changes and obstacles, I’ve obviously had to continually adjust my future plans. For a while, I hesitated to bring up my ambitions and goals for the future with Theo, simply out of these irrational fears I’ve always had of rejection, abandonment, judgment, scaring people off, stuff like that. Now, whenever I discuss future plans or desires, Theo seems just as excited about it as I am. Theo makes me feel so at ease in many situations, this being one. He provides me with comfort, support, hope, and optimism when I need it. Theo and I are young— I’m 19 and he’s 18, yet we’ve maintained this relationship for so long, and we have kept it so pure and full of mutual love, understanding, honesty, support, affection, loyalty, trust, balance, growth, and respect, that I believe that we are going to last.

Not only do Theo and I have common interests, but we also have some similar emotions, experiences, and ideas. The mere fact that Theo and I have traveled together automatically boosts the health of our relationship, and that’s because we have those collective, fond memories from those excursions. We can reminisce about past locations that we’ve been to together, and that invokes positive recollections. We have a somewhat similar music taste (like, the same basic music but we both listen to a variety of other genres), so we can listen to a wide selection of music that we both find appealing. We both have our mental health issues, some components are similar, and some are contrasting; however, I have diagnosed mental illnesses and Theo doesn’t. I know he’s got anxiety, and probably depression too. Yet I think he’s afraid of addressing it.

Mental health is a convoluted, and sometimes taboo, topic of conversation. Some people understand it and can empathize with it much more than others. Mental health issues have become a lot more accepted and conversed about, which I believe is fantastic for reduction of the stigma. However, whatever the case may be, whether a person is traditional, ignorant, unaccepting of others’ differences, or some other reason, certain individuals be unaccepting of mental health disorders in general, or cannot understand that someone can be mentally ill and still live a somewhat normal lifestyle. Not all mentally ill people are institutionalized for a severe cognitive disorder. In fact, most people with mental health issues can function in normal life. Yes, that difficulty level varies per person, and there will inevitably be challenges within that somewhat normal life, for people who suffer. With that being said, I am a severely mentally ill individual, with medical issues on top of that, who happens to work a full-time job, take online college classes, freelance write, and still manages to make free time for friends, family, and Theo. It’s perfectly possible to suffer from debilitating internal conflicts and painful obstacles on a near-daily basis, and still live a relatively regular lifestyle. Creating a well-balanced schedule of all of it is incredibly advantageous. What is of foremost importance when it comes to managing emotions and mental health, is for people to directly address to any internal distress or concerns within themselves. Acceptance is the first step of the healing/maintenance process.

The point of that was to segue into the subject of Theo’s mental health. Theo has never fully addressed his issues, though they’re prominent to me. He becomes easily overwhelmed and stressed out, his level of being upset usually escalates very quickly, and there are a few other issues that I have noticed as well. We have been together for so long now, that over time, he has learned how to manage my episodes, and provide me with comfort and ease when I need it. And that goes both ways— I have also learned how to handle Theo’s emotional episodes or feelings of intense stress. More often than not, we know how to effectively communicate, which is crucial to the health and maintenance of any relationship. Additionally, we are so enamored with each other that it’s been easy for us to learn about each other and process what the other specifically needs in a specific moment. Because I am so familiar with the concept of mental health disorders, and have suffered from a variety of my own disorders for many years, I can empathize with and comprehend others’ mental health issues. To add, I have a fascination with educating myself about mental health, and I take pride in my remarkable insight for someone so young and my ability to eloquently articulate my thoughts and feelings, so all of those ideas aid in my ability to understand Theo’s headspace better.

Overall, my passion for mental health advocacy, as well as my interest in learning more about it, has benefited both me and Theo in regards to our respective mental health issues. My ability to understand it, my empathy, growth, insight, and love for Theo, as well as Theo’s own insight, empathy, growth, and affection and love for me, have all strengthened the health of our relationship, and have expanded each our banks of knowledge about how to better manage the other’s, and our own, mental health.

As for some differences between us, I have always been passionate about film, television, media, writing, and entertainment/artistic-type things. Theo had never been remotely interested in that genre of passions, until he met me. I am proud to be moderately knowledgeable about actors, awards, movies, television shows, production, and entertainment in general, so over time, I have gradually taught Theo insights and random information about that industry. He’s not a particularly artistic person, as he’s much more of a hands-on/technical/mechanical kind of guy, so I know that he’s not going to spontaneously become deeply engrossed in the entertainment/media art world. Though I am certainly glad that he has become much more open-minded to learning about it because he knows I’m so passionate about it.

As I mentioned, Theo is more of a technical-minded individual, and I am more of an artistic/creative-minded person. He works for an HVAC company, and studied that trade in high school. He plans to maintain a career path in the field of HVAC, which is heating, ventilation, and air conditioning, so definitely more of a mechanical type of career. I am beginning online college classes through Arizona State University as an English major with a minor in psychology. I also plan to take film/media courses. I have a desire to be writer, particularly about the subject mental health, so obviously extremely creative and focused on both art and science, to an extent. Theo and I have collective, very broad spectrum of knowledge in a multitude of areas. So, we are constantly teaching each other and sharing new things that we’re passionate about with each other.

I have learned new things about myself through Theo. Theo has tremendously helped in my journey towards self-acceptance. I have never learned to never settle for less than the best, because that is what I deserve.

All in all, Theo has taught me a variety of new things throughout our relationship. He has taught me about HVAC, to a degree. He has taught me about different music. He has taught me that I deserve to be treated with the upmost respect and courtesy. He has taught me new ways to manage my mental health. He has taught me what it feels like to feel genuine joy. He has taught me that I’m beautiful the way that I am. He has taught me about myself. Most importantly, he has taught me what genuine, real love is.