What I did wrong

The swings, I reminised back to when that was my goal. The only thing I wanted to get on and dwell in my thoughts in. It was just something about the wind brushing through your hair and the altitude giving you that adrenline rush. Talking to myself and prentending to have conversations with my crush. Listening to music of the 80's even though I was already two decades older. Just being completely. Utterly. Alone. Just how I liked it. It wasn't till today at 19 years old I realized how much I missed it and how embarssing it was to be a legal adult swinging back in forth. peeping out in the corner of my eye to make sure no one was staring. This was COVID times.

I felt alone and not to mention dropped my iphone three times already getting pissed off with how my swinging skills have failed me as if a line of judges were contending me with a score of just how well I could multitask on a swing. This was how I felt with my work, love and social life. I was pretty much a dried up desert in all those departments. I had come to Boston to visit my family and help them out during their business disaster for 3 months from Texas where I currently lived. Alone. It was cold as it always was during March and living by the water on the east coast wasn't very inviting. Just as uninviting as my thoughts of my recent breakup that floated through my mind, wishing that he would just text me. That text never came. He was still hung on an ex, and I was still hung up on an example of what love could have been. But it failed me just like my heart had when he said goodbye and couldn't care less that i was leaving him for 3 months. I shook my head and rode my bike back to a new home my parents had recently built by the water. Living there was royality, with consequences.

The views were beautiful, but I couldnt admit it then when I was falling apart. Let's just say it wasn't the best time of my life. I had tried to keep touch with the little friend group I had in texas but that was hard to do when i was almost 2000 miles away and they had their own shit to be bothered with anyway. Bulking up for the summer, trying to get laid, smoking and drinking. All the shit I was missing out on for those 3 months. I had started smoking cigarettes in Texas with a friend who got me into it and the things I did to get a cigarette in Boston was insane. Mind you i was only 19 at the time, two years short of the legal age to buy but somehow I managed. Those cigarettes were the only occupancy I had keeping me sane. It was a definate struggle to come out to my parents about it and it broke their hearts equally as it did to me when they had told me I was risking thier life as well as my own running around during COVID and not protecting myself. Quite ironic. But with COVID going on and them being the accepting parents they were they offered to buy me packs that I could buy from them. I didn't know If I should have been happy or hurt, it was definately an embarassement and it hurt me hard to see my dad going in to a store just to buy me a pack.

I spent the rest of the cold, empty street season riding my bike, smoking and listening to "bad day" by Daniel Powter on repeat. As the days went on my thoughts of the boy I once thought loved me had faded away and came in a new sign of hope. He was not someone I had pictured in getting to know at first but we texted and snapped eachother quite consistently over my sadness. It was not the kind of pursuit I was desperately looking for and I'm sure he had felt the same way.

I had known him from a mutual friend and met him several times, ignoring him completly. I had stay focused on my other friends whom I felt a closer connection to. A slight memory of him was before I left for Boston my friends and him got dumb drunk and he had held my waist whilst standing side by side like we were supposed to be together. It felt right. But I had moved instantly too shy to admit that I had feelings for someone else.

As summer started to approach the sun got brighter and longer in my little hide out in Boston. Just like my feelings for this boy and our simple conversations. This was not the love at first text or even the boy next store type vibes. It was a simple feeling of protection. Which I so desperately needed from someone. I had a good sense of a chance with him not caring if we were just friends or more. But towards the middle of the month of May, the things he would tell me affected me someway or another, all I could do was laugh it off, try to smile and not make it turn into a "me" issue. When he would tell me about a girl calling him cute, I automatically got protective of someone who wasn't even mine. I couldn't exactly point out why I was feeling this way. Was it because I couldn't be protective of my last relationship? Or was it because I needed someone to show me the attention I hadn't got in the 3 months of my heartache? Whatever it was, I knew I couldn't come out defensive. I couldn't. He was just a boy I knew. And I was just a girl who brought off flirtatious feelings. Needless to say the words he chose came off wanting and misleading at first. His intentions were far from hidden. They were guided by experiencing something I wasn't taught when it came to accessing a persons feelings in depth.

Later that month my Iphone offically broke from me constantly dropping when riding my bike and using it quite carelessly and I had a very difficult time using it. which sucked. And which also meant communication was at stake. The tech of our generation was crucial for survival any 19 year older and younger could write their own book about that. Most of them would probably become best sellers. Lukcy for me I had several little technical items that I could communicate with just to keep my effort intact and just to keep this boy still interested in talking to me.

It's funny how once text could save a life. Save a relationship. Save a friend. Literally. I think I saved this chance I was getting. Which was probably a sign.

You could say I'm big on "signs" eveyone takes that in a different way. But have you ever had an emotion or a thought that really hit you, an unexplainable but very rational thought or an emotion that just made sense. That's how I thourughly felt when I was talking to him. Some things made perfect sense and some I would obviously have to ponder over but a good ponder not the confusing ponder.

I decided to buy myself a new phone. Proabably not the best decision i've made with my money, but I was like screw it I had the money thanks to my stimulus I was even able to buy apple care with it. Plus it wasn't like I was spending any money anyway. My parents had handled my food and shelter for those 3 months so I was financially capable except the $8 or so I'd give to my dad for some cigarettes.

That month had it's up's and down's. I had made a new friend, had a wonderful birthday, lost an aqaintance to a car crash, founf out my younger sister by 3 months was pregnant and was offically going home to Texas.

There was so much emotion in those 3 months. Heartbreak, a spring of hope, love, comfort and sorrow. All that put into my baggage, packed and ready to move on.

I felt the excitement and adrenline running through me just like the way I felt on those swings returning to my apartment in Texas. I was smiling like a little girl waking up on Christmas morning super excited to see him, my sister and my small group of friends. We had planned on going to a resturant to celebrate my 20th birthday. The plan was for my sister to pick me up from the airport. And a sudden memory of her saying goodbye to me while I was leaving to Boston flooded in. This time though, it was a cry of joy rather than sadness. My sister had planned the rest of the night and bought me a bottle of Jack. Willingly I drank with no worries, except for waking up for work in the morning but I was too excited to even be thinking of that. I drank several shots, thinking I was too comfortable with this as I turned to alchol in those 3 months in Boston, drinking every night with my mom. Consuming tons of alchol to numb the pain. Except this time it was not pain I was trying to cover up it was my butterflies. I was about to see him in 2 hours or less. I didn't know I was already feeling the kick of the liquor and slowly turning up to music i didn't usually listen to. I was in a heavenly mood.

We arrived at a fancy resturant I don't even remeber going in which is quite sad and super embarassing I remeber falling by the door, probably right in front of him. Who knows? I was so drunk that night. I barely remeber. I don't think he even cared. He only cared that I was living it up. What I do remeber though, is while we were leaving the resturant my sister was taking my drunk ass to the car and we all decided to meet up at the roof of my apartment. That was our spot. Anyway, my sister was kicking the door on my leg probably lecturing me about how I drunk i got even though she was the one who bought me the Jack, and at that moment my friend had come and gave me two packs of cigarettes. I don't know why, but this made my heart so happy. He was the one who put me on it and he's usually broke but there it was two packs of cigarettes. It really is the small things.

We went up to the roof and partied our asses off, drank so much, ran around like idiots. Then there was me falling on every move I made. I was like a doe who couldn't stand. A lot happened that night, cops got involved, nothing too bad though, no one got arrested. The night was still young, but we had to go our own ways. A night i'd never forget even though my friends think otherwise.

If I had a little sense to what I was doing I would probably have kissed him but even though the moment was there, my stupid butterflies took over and ruined that. Maybe one day I'll ask him how he felt.

Him and I texted constantly after that night, and once again I was falling. Was it my mistake? Did I have the right? I did. But to him, it might have seemed like a booty call. But little did I know he was keeping his word to come over to my apartment and watch "Outer Banks" a new show that had come onto netflix. We had talked about this several times when I was in Boston It wasn't long till we started to see eachother one on one. Which to me felt like forever because we'd be all talk and no action.

He was so different when he wasn't with our friends, but isn't that every guy? He had sky blue eyes, a piercing look, stong features, long shaggy blonde hair and a beautiful jaw line. Your typical surfer boy look. Every girls dream, right? I promised myself I'd never go for a guy who looked like that. But there I was. Always looking at his goofy smile. It was usually awkward at first as he would sit on my king sized bed staring out to my 32 inch TV which was uncomfortably smaller than my bed. A weird proportion to my bedroom set up.

Even though my apartment was the emptiest apratment one could see he really didn't mind.

We watched outerbanks almost everyday making the most of the season at a time. We sat side by side on the bed. Probably too shy to make a move. It was warm and we didn't have much space between us. He smelt good to and all I could think of was what was on his mind and what he was trying to do. He was a gentleman when it came to these things. He never jumped to making a move, didn't flinch or breathe to loud to tell me he was waiting on something. He was settle and calm. Sometimes we would talk inbetween the show, trying to catch eachother up with what was going on. Probably because we were too distracted with our own thoughts. We would end the night with a basic hug and he would drive 15 min away back to his house where he lived with his parents.

This went on for sometime. I would always receive a goodnight text and a goodmorning text from him. It was hard to see him leave at night because I just wanted him to stay. We would drag on the night by letting netflix decide whether we should continue the show. None of us ever touched the remote. One night we stayed up to till 6am dwelling deep into the night and pretending that we actually cared about what was going on in the show. For a couple of weeks we wouldn't do much but sit side by side, this did not bother me at the slightest. I enjoyed not having to be worried that I was taking things too slow, but then again I knew very little of his intentions.

There was this one night that kept me consatntly thinking about him. We were close to finishing the show and I think we both were scared of what we were going to do after the season ended. I knew it was about time I made my intentions clear with him, so I kissed him. Hoping that he would also contantly have him be think of me too. It was not those hot kisses you see in movies and stuff but it was soft and tender and lasted for a while. I liked the way it felt, he felt soft and aware of what he was doing. The night ended on an amazing note and I had relaized as he was leaving how much I really wanted to get to know him better.

The hot days and nights went on. The show had offically ended, and June rolled around. We spent most of our time together after I got off work at 6:30 everyday. We drank a lot of beer and talked endlessly about my past and his, religion, why he doesn't smoke weed, the types of music we both can relate to and the drama with our friends and family. I really enjoyed talking to him and tried to understand his input on religion and eveything he believed in. It was tough because it seemed he had grew up in a religious manner, going to church every sunday and being a good christian. I couldnt relate as much although I had gone to church a couple times and had family who was quite religious but I didn't confide the morals and beliefs he had within. He talked to me about how he believed in sex after marriage and losing his virginity in the holy way and abiding by god's rules. This made sense to me but I didn't belive him. maybe that's why he wasn't eager to make a move on me? Or maybe I just wasn't attractive enough?

We discussed a lot about the fundamentals of being a good christian, maybe argued a bit because my views and his didn't match up. It didn't bother me the way he saw it, infact I entertained myself with information and held it. Storing it for future conversations.

He had a hard time trying to provide me with intellectual facts about it and kept it as simple as possible when it came to explaining things that I didn't understand. I didn't like this about him beacuse if he believed it as much as he said he does he would try to find every word he could to try to make me understand and not get frustrated and give up half way. After a while I tried not to linger around the topic anymore.

It came to a time where we were unseperable and he would start spending the night with me. By the end of June he would leave little accesories and clothing around my apartment. Probably trying to make it clear to any guys who I might have possibly brought over. Those days were over with and I started communicated less with my guy friends that I hung out with before and stopped inviting them over to smoke or drink. He was offically in my life and dazzled around my apartment like a diamond i would leave in one place. Him and I were always doing things toegther, and I knew it was genuine when he did little things for me like buy food or a pack of cigarettes for me. We weren't offically together but I knew we weren't just friends either.

July was fast to approach with not the best of times. Everything was good so far...We spent a lot of time outdoors with my sister, going to the pool, drinking and visiting new places with his friends. There was one day we went jetsking, this day was the day i relaized that he was still talking to other girls and getting nudes. I was so upset and hurt. My first thought was if he actually cared about why would he still be fondling with other girls messages. I was holding a whole ton of bricks, it brought me down and made me feel like I just got stabbed 5 times and wasn't dying. It made me feel useless and unwanted. I just wanted to go home and ignore him. Over the time he kept mentioning his "hoes", and told me he's done this and that. I don't know why he did it but it was said and done, but I didn't want to give up on him that fast. I was a pretty forgiving person and tried to gulp down the feeling of betrayl. He didn't really resolve the issue. So my walls automatically went up till I felt more secure about he felt for me. Which was also pretty unknown since all he really said was that he cared about me, but it didn't show.

We still talked, texted and snapped. Still didn't feel intirely secure either. I mean why should I, we weren't even dating? How come i was expecting so much when all I knew was forsaken love, rebounds and players? I started to think that maybe I was once again about to play myself, and i wasn't in too deep to NOT make a rational decison. Red flags were starting to appear.

Oh well.

My few months with him was not about to end just because of my dumb thoughts. In time he started to make it clear that he only had eyes for me and wasn't interested in talking to other girls, and so I foolishly asked for proof of this holy news. He showed me girls he had blcoked, girls that I was worried about. Frankly I souldn't have been worried, I think I'm a pretty girl or so I've been told and I have decent standards, a job, a car and an apartment all on my own. I was doing better than most. I just needed him to see that in order to know that I was worth not losing.

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My apartment was about to be done with it's 12 month lease and I had to start looking for a new place. That was definately the least of my concerns, my priority was to get him to be mine.

And at the end of July he was.

He stayed over at my place for a long time, we'd have sleepovers and I was getting comfortbale with the fact. He slowly was moving in by leaving all his stuff by my door gradually things would end up stacking up. He would not see his parents till the weekends and things were getting permanent.

There was of course drama with little things and a few big things. There were days where he would just leave and not come over for a day or so just because I might have pissed him off. There was one day where I probably really hurt his feelings. We were up by 9 in the morning, messing around and I was showing him some photos on my phone and I knew I hid pictures of my ex's and I in the hidden section on my phone but I never really paid much attention to it and I never really deleted them either. he had seen the content and was furious. he had every right to be, I would be pissed too. I should have deleted it that left him gone for two days. Which sucked. I messaged him so many times and tried to get advice from some of my friends on what to do. Was he going to come back? Did I feel fuck things up?

Two days later..of trying to get him to accept my apology. I regreted having those pictures. Mind you they were not the most innocent photos one could see. We had so many conversations about it.

But he finally gave in and accepted, I felt horrible and I'm sure he didn't view me the way he did when he first met me infact he probably thought I was a hoe from the beginning