What do you gain from caring about what someone else thinks of you?

A friend of mine relinquished the idea that I was a “warrior of light”. I was discussing another friend’s toxic situation (with consent) and they asked if I was ever uncomfortable being around that deep level of negativity and toxicity; my immediate response was “no” because my friend is not toxic but their situation is & they need help. I find people describe me to me as resilient, courageous and incredibly strong; I normally do not perceive myself but I also do not think about those things frequently.

“Where do you find the strength?”

It is an inner calm fire that is forever burning. I believe everyone is born with this fire but some people have their fires drowned. I have had my fires drowned but it doesn’t stay damp for very long. I have a drive that keeps me going even when I do not want to. There’s a core aspect of myself I have never lost. A friend will say “You’re against so much opposition, don’t you think about what people say?”; that’s just it, I don’t.

I was ridiculed for my looks as a child. The children would pull their eyes back and make up a Chinese language to come mock me. I couldn’t understand why how I looked was funny or bad. I couldn’t understand why adults would permit it or even join in. I was ridiculed for not acting my complexion or looking like how I was supposed to for my complexion. I came home one day with tears running down my face. I didn’t know why looking like me was bad. I told my mother I wanted to change my eyes and how to the kids looking Chinese was bad. She told me “Chinese people have beautiful eyes and you’re mixed”. I hysterically cried “I don’t want them!!” I wanted to be left alone. I barely had friends. She asked me “What do you gain from caring about what someone else thinks of you?” Her question silenced me but it stayed with me. I was about 5 years old. I thought about this question; a lot. I frequented that thought religiously from morning to night. I was looking for an answer and I couldn’t find it.

This question with my personality changed everything and how I perceived the world, others, how others perceive me and how I perceived myself. I was often alone as a kid while my mother would lock herself in her bedroom in the dark; I would look at myself in the mirror with music blaring in the background on our “fancy” 3 cd changer. If I was playing, I thought of this question. I began thinking about my teachers, my classmates, my family, my parents and strangers. I realized how others perceive me is very different from how I perceive myself; and I couldn’t find a reason why their opinion was more important than my own. I realized other people’s opinions can be intertwined with their intentions towards you or their own tribulations make them into a crabs in a barrel. Each passing year the question would get deeper and deeper. If someone decided to mistreat me based on their perception; I was keen to be attentive to these notions.

I did not have a healthy emotional, mental and spiritual support system growing up; I was and am my support system. A lot of my strength my friends admire me for comes from having no choice to be strong for myself and others combined with me not finding value in the opinions of those who have ill intentions towards me; whether they are actively acting upon it or not. I began to evaluate people’s intentions and observe their actions. I began evaluating people’s maturity and emotional intelligence; I didn’t know it was emotional intelligence but I certainly could describe it or break down the situation.

I built my own self-esteem without the traditional emotional support system and it places me in a strange box. Adults who never earned a placement or value in their parents eyes still struggle with it until they cope with it. I see my parents as equally human to the next person. I respect them but I hold no value of their opinion. I am always willing to listen and communicate with anyone, friend or foe; but I do not value their opinion. I know it becomes evident when I interact with people (especially those with nefarious intentions) because the only person who can cripple me; is me. Trust me, I do cripple me because I know what I am capable of and I put the bar higher and higher as a challenge to myself.

I give advice and will often tell people to hear me out but don’t place any value on my words; it’s your life. Usually I’m looked at with a confused facial expression drowning in more confusion; but I mean it. My opinion should never trump the opinion you have of yourself; because I can guarantee it is definitely that way reversed. My strength genuinely comes from not caring about what someone else thinks of me. I will put someone in their place if need be but I do my best to be diplomatic if I can be. I endure the hardness of other people because for me i can see their open wounded tribulations like they’re made of glass, and usually my goal is to help them heal from those wounds; so they too can feel the way I feel.

Poetically speaking, there were plenty of swords through the body of a child and one by one I took them out and realized their swords were made of foam; it was a figment of my imagination. It’s been over 30 years of thinking like this and I still have not found an answer. I do not value my parents opinions to complete stranger’s opinions; but I will always respect another person’s opinion. Respecting and valuing someone’s opinion are not the same thing. Valuing places the opinion of others in a position of power over you when respecting their opinion without value; means you hold the power over yourself. Self mastery should be the goal; for all of is individually. So again I ask “What do you gain from caring about what someone else thinks of you?”

You gain nothing.