WARNING: Your Mind is Overheating

Shit.

I was supposed to be out of bed ten minutes ago.

I need this job. I need to work exactly 42 hours this week to pay my bills, to have the allotted money for gas and groceries, to eat out once (no more than precisely 21 dollars with tip), to save the exact amount this week towards the computer I will buy in 4 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days.

What about the trip I want to take? That will never happen without money. I am so tired of my family telling me sacrifices are necessary. Maybe I do not want to sacrifice. Maybe I want more. Why can’t they see that? Why don’t they understand me?

Why do I even care about this job? Or even a trip? A trip to what? A place we have created? A reality we have manifested so we don’t think about the fact that our existence is meaningless? Is indescribable? Is intangible? Why am I wasting my time caring about such pointless things?

Shit.

If I don’t leave now I won’t be ten minutes early for work.

…

Don’t forget to smile. You will read as approachable. You want people to feel comfortable around you.

“Hi, how are you today? Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Why doesn’t she smile? I wish I could just not smile sometimes. I wonder what she is thinking about.

“Do you want me to wrap this for you?”

Maybe this is a gift. Could someone have passed away? Is someone sick? Maybe that is why she doesn’t smile. Maybe she just doesn’t feel like smiling. Leave her alone.

“Have a good one!”

I wish this shift would go faster. I need to get home. I should really start practicing on my keyboard again. I really need to stick with it this time. Why haven’t you stuck with it? You say you like music, that you are passionate about it, but you never stick with it. You are a flake.

What about photography? And videography? You were supposed to be better at After Effects by now. Your website was supposed to be made too.

Don’t even get me started on the book you’ve been wanting to write.

Speaking of books, you are supposed to be reading 2 chapters a day. Why aren’t you? You love to read.

Do you love reading more than writing? More than photography? More than music? What about what you are actually going to school for? What is more important??

I don’t know. I want to do everything. Why can’t I do everything? Why isn’t there more time?

When am I going to travel??

I should probably get a boyfriend some time too. Well tha—

“Oh yes, sorry! This register is open! How are you today? Did you find everything you were looking for?”

…

Why is there always traffic? Because you aren’t special. You are in their way just as much as they are in yours. I wonder where they are all coming from. Do I sit next to the same person every day and not even realize it? All of these people exist as much as I do. What a crazy thought. I wonder if they think as much as I do. They must, right?

I really want to eat out. I can’t, though. Where would that money get pulled from? My gas? My groceries? My computer? I don’t want to add another day until I can get my computer.

Maybe just a tea from McDonald’s? That is only a dollar. Well, a dollar and change now. They keep upping the price thinking we won’t notice. Well, I notice. But I still get tea…is that how marketing works?

I really shouldn’t. You are supposed to be going to the gym. A sweet tea isn’t going to be helping you. I should start back tomorrow. I am going to start back tomorrow. No tea.

I wish I had gotten a tea.

…

I should make chicken and green beans for dinner. That’s healthy, you like that. It takes so much time though. If I spend 40 minutes on dinner, that is 40 less minutes of practicing my keyboard— or photography, or videography, or writing, or reading… what am I doing tonight? You should have decided this at work.

Why is this guy asking me out to dinner? He doesn’t even know me. Why am I even on tinder. You are just like everyone else your age. God, we are annoying. So obsessed with attention. You don’t want to use your one meal eating out tonight. You have a lot to do.

He could also be a serial killer. You can never be too careful. It would be very irresponsible of me to go.

But I am always so responsible.

Damnit.

Why can’t I just have fun? I could die tomorrow.

Okay, just dinner. It is good for you to get out. That is what people do. Why do you care what people do??

message: “Sure! Where do you want to meet?"

I am really practicing on my keyboard tonight.

…

I regret this already. You hate small talk. He doesn’t even look like his pictures. Do you look like your pictures? Swiping is so cynical. We are both playing into it.

Don’t give too much information. You don’t know his intentions.

“I am relatively new to the area, but have met some great people so far!”

A lie. You have met no one. Would I want to build something off of lies? Do you even want to build something? Why did you come?

I am so bored. He can’t think this is going well. He has barely eaten half of his food. But he is certainly putting back the beers.

God. Hate people my age.

Is he really not going to finish that?? He knows there are starving children and we are sitting here swallowing our daily dose of privilege complaining about the weather, right??

“Full already?”

He’s probably trying to get drunk. I guess people do like to actually avoid their inner thoughts. Is that why people drink so much? Maybe because they are lonely.

Am I lonely?

Really? We should do this again some time??

“Yes, definitely!”

No.

…

That took way too long. What a waste. I am exhausted.

You will make up for it tomorrow. You have to. How do the days go so fast??

You need a better way to make money. To make it faster. Maybe you could get a Sugar Daddy. Is that a lot of work? I could never have sex with them. Maybe I could send naked pictures.

Could I do that?

Probably not.

Why not?

Because it is degrading.

But aren’t they the ones stupid enough to buy it? To waste their money on it? I would be selling something with no cost. I would be making all profit. It would save me a lot of time.

What if people found out?

So what if people found out?

My dad would kill me. Actually, it would probably kill him.

But only because society calls it degrading. Money is money, is it not? Life is a game. I should play it however I want. I am going to do it.

I can’t do it.

Did I leave my curling iron on this morning?

Shit.

I was supposed to be asleep ten minutes ago.