Unwanted

Unwanted- no longer desired

Rejected- to dismiss as inadequate

Neglected- disregarded

These are all the emotions I felt as I went through life of wondering why… Why I wasnt enough for my mother… was I a bad kid? Was something wrong with me?

Growing up in a broken home was hard. Seeing other kids with their moms and dads… it honestly hurt me so much. I didnt understand what i did not to deserve that. I thought I was a pretty good kid. I had manners, I was quiet, and did what i was told to do. I made sure I stayed out of the way.

As I grew older these things affected the relationships i tried to build. I constantly questioned if others would do me the way my mom did me. To wonder if there was anyone out there who understood. Who would be loyal and stick by my side whether it was just a friendship or a relationship.

Oh- don’t get me started on relationships and friendships .. they seemed to mess me over the most. To give my all to people who would just use me & when done, hang me out to dry. My problem is I love too hard and too quickly. I give what I expect others to give to me. And I fail to realize that no one has the heart as I do.

The reason why I love so hard and give my all is because I know what it feels like to not have that at all. And I would never wish that feeling on anyone - ever. To feel less than, like trash. Discarded not knowing what you did wrong. Asking and seeking for answers but the person not being able to answer… because there is no answer. It’s just life. And life screws over the best of us. As much as it sucks this world isn’t meant for people with my type of heart.

For people like me this world was meant to eat us alive. When all we want to do is help and give back. Is it fair? No. Do we deserve better ? Yes. But I’m just so convinced that good things just don’t happen for good people.

Mom? Why? Why? I never got to experience how it felt to get a sweet text from my mom “ have a great day at school sweetheart”. I never got to experience how it

Part of me is angry. Part of me is sad. I want to scream and cuss at the same time I want to ask why and cry… it’s an emotional rollercoaster for me.

When I needed you the most you were never there. I NEEDED YOU AND YOU WERE THERE! I am a motherless child !!! I had to learn this shit all by myself!!! All cause you didn’t care enough to stop doing what the fuck you wanted to do. You ruined me. You ruined everything about me, concerning me. And I hate you. I will forever hate you.

I had to be strong for myself… by myself. And I tried to get you to love me. I tried to force you to love me and see I’m an awesome daughter. But you cant force anyone to love you.. they have to be willing to love you. To see you as special, to love you so much that they are willing to change who they are and what they do. But no. My mom didn’t have that for me. And she never will.

Every after everything you did to me some how some way I was still willing to go above and beyond for you as a loyal daughter would for her mother. All for you to fuck me over again and again. And I was willing to put my heart on the line as long as you loved me .. even if it was just for that moment.

Even being foolish in knowing that she was just using me to get what she wanted. Part of me wanted her to snap out of this spell she was under. To open her eyes and see all that she’s done. To look in my eyes and see my pain. To feel exactly how I’ve been feeling my entire life.

My mother dumped us on her adoptive mother and just thought we’d be okay. But in reality we weren’t… so much went down that she would never know about because she wasn’t there. I just wish you were there for me.