Under fluorescent lights

“Love is sacrifice… you have to put yourself aside” my uncle said as he repositioned himself on his decades old caramel-colored leather chair. The phrase is the only thing that resonated with me for some reason so I wrote it down. I suddenly realized this is the only composition of words in this notebook. They danced and seemed electric in my uncles pastoral office. One bulb was on its last leg and the flickering made the faux wood paneling- which was decades older than the chair- come to life with faceless orbs and oscillating tree rings. “Do you hear me boy?” I suddenly looked up with the intent of presence. “Yes Sir” I said. “Daydreaming is not going to make this process any faster and certainly not going to set you on the path to salvation boy.” I hated when he called me boy. So condescending for a 17 year old and most likely a power move on his part. Suddenly a section of the paneling cracked open and I thought I was hallucinating from the last 20 minutes of this spastic fluorescent bulb. “Sister Barbara really wants you to meet her grandson.” my aunt said poking her head in with a soft and cautious voice. “Oh alright, I guess we're done here and I'm starving!” grunted my uncle as he fixed his tie and gave me a look that made me feel like an adolescent.

The church's kitchen was full of the whole congregation and then some. No doubt the boost of attendance was exacerbated by word of mouth advertisement for this sunday's potluck. There was a crowd of people swarming someone by the dessert table. His back was facing me so I couldn't make out a face; however, I was more concerned about sister Violas famous apple pie. Buttery, crispy and it was a true abomination to pair it with some factory made ice cream. After lunch I was put on cleaning duty by my aunt. Elbows deep in soap suds and trying to scrape some God-awful gunk from a 9X12 pan, I heard an unfamiliar voice. “I think this is the last one” the voice had an even more unfamiliar arm as it slid a dish into the sink. I only made out one tattoo that said ‘to thine own self.’ “Great” I said unenthusiastically. A breathy laugh let out the words, “You really love washing dishes, huh?” I looked up to finally study this stranger. Immediately I was paralyzed. Hazel-green eyes that could pierce steel and a grin that would in turn melt that same steel, faced me. “Well…I…really wanted pie.” Of course my defense mechanism would be food. “Ohh Michael, you've met my grandson!” shrilled Barbara. “Hey, what's up? I'm Tyler.” Being arrested by Tylers otherworldly good looks I only managed to yelp out a “hey”. “How about you boys..ah..throw the trash and I'll finish up here” sister Barbara said with a Texas twang as she took the sponge from my hand. Tyler put his hand on my back and said, “I'll meet you outside bro.” He then turned towards the dining room and disappeared in the crowd. Why didn't I wear my good church clothes today? Why didn't I order my hair gel a week earlier instead of yesterday?

Engulfed in the afterglow from meeting ole Barbara’s grandson. I sat on the church stoop. “Here you go Bud, you can have mine.” I froze and looked beside me as Tyler sat down and handed me a slice of that coveted apple pie. “Oh..uh..I'm good, thanks though!” “Oh come on! I was attacked by church ladies and left you alone throwing all that trash, take it!” I grabbed the disposable plate and sat it beside me. “What's that?” he pointed to my little black notebook. “Oh nothing, just notes.” Before I could get the sentence out he grabbed it and murmured, “I used to have one just like this.” I prayed he wouldn't open it however with a comical boastfulness he yelled, “LOVE IS SACRIFICE!” I closed my eyes and terror blanketed my body. “Come on!” I said as I grabbed my notebook back. “What kind of school notebook is this?” He asked honestly. “It’s not a school notebook! It’s just scribbles from my uncle's blabber.” “Oh yeah. I just met him. Very intense dude.” Tyler said looking off in the distance with an effortless smolder. I managed to tear away from the grip of his gaze and looked at the pie again. “I came out to my parents last year and surprisingly they didn't take it well.” I said sarcastically. “So they sent you here?” He asked. “Yeah, they are hoping my uncle will set me on the straight and narrow before I graduate.” A silence ensued and all I could hear were the echoes from the congregation still in the dining room. “They said they won't pay for my college if I don't come here. College is my only path to freedom right now to be honest.” I said now looking at the base of the street light ahead of us. “And I can't lose that.” I looked towards Tyler and for a second a thought shot through my mind. What if he was just an illusion this whole time. And once I looked besides me, nobody would be there. However, those eyes again. Like a soothing balm on my inflamed soul. “Meet me at the skate park later.” Tyler said. “I've been working on a new trick and would like some company.” “Who me?” I said in shock. “Well its either you or the fifty church ladies I just met.” He said with that enchanting grin. “Ugh....I guess I can make it” I said with a grin of my own.

The cicadas were in their paramount while I was walking up to the park . Tyler was already there and dipping in and out of the skate pool. I couldn't help but smirk at the sight of a six foot plus teenager skating. In the depth of the pool his shoulders and head were still visible and it seemed humorous and endearing to me. “Yo!” Tyler yelled as I sat next to the pool. “So I figured out what your problem is.” He said proudly. “Oh yeah, what's that bro?” I said with a cadence that would rival the most seasoned southern Californian. He looked at me with a smile and seemed to catch the humor in my question. “You care too much about what people think of you.” “I do not!” I said in defense. “It's not about freedom or college, it's about still seeking approval from those who disregard who you really are.” Tyler said so cavalier. I didn't have anything to say to that. No sarcasm or phrase full of inflection. It was the truth. I managed to choke out a few words, “My intentions are good and it's something I just have to do for my life right now.” Tyler skated up from the pool effortlessly and grabbed my notebook. “Hey!” I shouted. “This is what I think about the bullshit you just said.” He began to write in the notebook with one hand and the other guarding me from seeing what was being written. I finally grabbed the notebook from him and before I could see what he wrote, he leaned in and kissed me. I instantly felt like an inflated balloon and at the same time felt like I could melt into the pores of this concrete park. Still so warm from the July sun. Trying to compose myself, he put both hands on the sides of my head and said, “My grandma invited me this weekend to give me a gift. I didn't know what it was until this morning when she wrote me a $20,000 check as a graduation present. As her only grandchild, she said she just wants to see me happy. I want my own skate shop out in West Texas. I could buy a place for us and we will just figure out the rest.” Tyler said with a vulnerable assertiveness. Any form of communication was useless for me at this point and I just stared into Tylers eyes hoping he could interpret anything from my bewildered gaze. “You don't want what's laid out for you.” He said as his eyes perforated mine.

“Hey! what are you boys up to out here?” I knew that voice all too well and I instantly felt as if ice cold water filled my veins. Before I could look back and confirm the voice, my uncle and his court jester named Fred-who was actually one of the churches deacons- tore Tyler and I apart. It was all a flash and I was still trying to grasp the last 15 minutes. Fred pushed me into the car and my uncle frantically started the ignition as if Bigfoot himself came out of the park woods and was pursuing us. I looked back through the rear window and Tyler was running towards his car. An awful stab ran through my heart and as he started his car I wondered if I'd ever see him again. My world instantly turned grey.

“Sit down boy!” exclaimed my uncle with a deep voice even scarier than his shout. We were in his office now and tears began to fill my eyes. “What were you and Tyler up to out there? And why were you kissing him boy!” My uncle was pacing behind his desk. Tears were falling on my notebook I didn't realize I still had in my hand. I don't know if it was the systematic programming or the fear of what my uncle would do next but I croaked out, “My intentions are good and I want to do what's right by you and my parents!” My uncle was dead silent while still pacing. I couldn't help the stream of tears at this point. And as if an unexpected reprieve from the moment, I remembered Tyler - In all his nonchalance - wrote in my notebook.

The road to hell is paved with good Intentions

It was chicken scratch at best and at the same time crystal clear. How did he find his way into my marrow? The broken fluorescent bulb in the office seemed to be fixed or at least mustering up all its strength to be the most productive I've ever seen it. There were no dancing letters tonight or eye straining phrases. It was all clear under these fluorescent lights. I clapped the notebook closed and slammed it on my uncle's desk. Tripping over his chair in pursuit to grab my arm my uncle yelled, “Who the hell do you think you are?” Where was I going? What was I doing? As I made my way outside through the church doors, I was staring straight at the sidewalk. Lost in a haze and pushing back a wayward tear I heard a now familiar voice echo across the parking lot. “So how about it?” Tyler was standing under the streetlight with his hand stretched out for mine. His car was running and as I got closer I notice he had been crying. “Get back here boy!” yelled my uncle with a booming voice. And a feeling I've never felt towards my uncle swept over me. Clenched fists and trying to catch his breath; I felt sorry for him standing between those open doors. With base in my voice, I looked forward and made more of a statement than a question, “so the high desert, huh?”