TWO DARK SOULS

"God, he has such a beautiful face,” I thought as I laid there next to him. It’s funny to me how someone so destructive can make me so comfortable. Not funny in a ‘haha’ way but in an ironic way. This boy has all the control in this situation. I know he can hurt me in many ways but I'm so calm when I’m with him and not scared in the slightest. We met a few years ago on Tinder. When I saw his pictures, I was done. I couldn’t believe how perfect he seemed to be (for me) and like most boys I set my sights on, I had to have him. Our communicating was immediate but so was my disappointment. He was cute and funny but also shallow and overly direct. More than I was bargaining for at the time but I knew how to work around that. I probably should’ve stopped talking to him altogether but I never back away from a challenge. He talked to me about how he liked sex, gambling, pizza… and that was about it. We didn't speak much after that night.

Then my birthday came around and frankly, I didn't want to end up in bed alone that night. I already knew where his head was so I texted him. He wanted to come over but the timing wasn’t right. He was busy with “work stuff” and whatever else so we decided to meet up a few days later. The first time he came over, I didn't know how to react. I was anxious, excited, nervous… I still wasn’t comfortable with the casual setup but my outlook on the matter was starting to change. Needless to say, it was a very good night. He met all my needs and I didn’t regret anything. Afterward, we laid in bed and talked for a while. That's when I really got to know him. We talked about his sobriety, his side job (as a bookie) and so many other things. Unfortunately, he didn’t stay the night. We texted on and off and then things went silent for a few months. When I did hear from him again, he asked me if I wanted to have a threesome. That’s when I started to learn the full scope of his sexual needs. How open he was with his body to lots of other women and how I wasn’t going to change that, no matter how hard I tried. This was also around the time that I thought I could change a man.

I said, "No" to the threesome and everything dissolved rather quickly after that. Eight months go by and he texts me completely out of the blue. I didn’t have his number saved and honestly, I wasn’t thrilled to hear from him. He was following me on Instagram and I posted something that piqued his interest. He wanted to hang out and I took some time to think about it. He came over two weeks later and thank God he did. This was going to hurt me in the long run but I didn’t care. I was living my life in moments. Every day was just part of one long, continuous bad day with some clear, good moments in-between. The moments when I feel like I’m living. Every time I’ve been with him has been a good moment.

The night he came over, we talked for a while - after hooking up of course. He told me that he was seeing a therapist and had been diagnosed with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. We talked about how it was affecting him along with his sobriety and mine; his family, his girlfriend and the parameters of their open relationship. Despite discussing heavy topics, he made me laugh the entire night. Not laughing for the sake of not hurting his feelings but laughing that fed my soul. It was one of the best conversations I’ve had in a long time. He ended things with his girlfriend a few weeks later and disappeared for a while. When I did see him again, I was wearing an ankle monitor. If he was any other guy, I wouldn’t have reached out because I don’t want anyone to see this thing. Reactions vary and I don’t want anyone staring at it or making it a topic of conversation. When things started to heat up between us, I had to stop and tell him about it. He looked worried, then panicked and that scared the hell out of me. Then he calmed down, calmed me down and told me that he, "Thought it was hot."

I was perfectly fine after that. His power to put me at ease was amazingly strong and I loved that. He brought it up again later that night but surprisingly, he only asked me why I seemed to be ashamed of it and not willing to talk about it. I told him that I didn’t want him seeing me in a bad light and it was hard to talk about. He understood completely and told me that I could talk to him about it if I wanted to and how he wasn’t judging me. It was one of the most sincere and strongest connections I've ever felt with a man. He’ll never know how much I needed and appreciated that moment. I’d love to walk the rest of my time on this earth with someone who’s as accepting of me and my faults as he is. I’d love for him to be that person but there’s a long list of reasons why that won’t happen.

Finding someone as spiritually dark as me doesn’t scare me at all. I always feel so alone in ‘that place’. Someone taking my hand and walking through that with me would be wonderful but I know he could never love me the way I would need to be loved. Finding someone as accepting as him and so in tune with my body is damn near impossible. So, I will do whatever I can to enjoy him while we’re apart of each other’s lives. He’s so close and yet so far away. I’ll never understand why he can’t be mine but maybe that's okay because I like him, just the way he is.