Trapped in 2 Worlds

Trapped in 2 Worlds

As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been an eccentric individual. From a quiet awkward teen wearing colorful clothes in high school and beating to my own drum to an outgoing confident adult with many friends and a career in psychology. My inner core and values have always been the same regardless of age. Whether a child or an adult I was always caring, kind, thoughtful , loving and respectful to others. I always put the needs of others before my own. To the world I was always a happy individual that made people laugh and well known for my sarcasm, humor and good nature. However, I had a dark secret that haunted me inside for years that nobody knew about. I was trapped in between two worlds. One world, where on the outside I seemed like your typical human being and the other world where I suffered alone daily. My life wasn’t a facade, yet one of complexity and at times a paradox inexplicable in itself.

So many times I pondered if I was living a lie or rather sheltering myself from ridicule or humiliation. For 20 years I wore a fictitious mask and had up an imaginary wall to all who entered my fragmented world. All I allowed people to see was the one side of the wall that featured flowers, green grass, blue skies and rainbows while I kept hidden the other side of the wall that possessed dirt, darkness, rain and noises. Keeping these two worlds separate from each other was an unimaginable feat in itself.

Every single day I would wake up and have to put on my mask and go to work forced to show the colorful side of the wall that exuded an aura of light and happiness for 10 long tiresome hours. Then once I got home, I would take off the mask, write my thoughts in my little black book and cross over to the grim side of the wall where I was alone and faced with unpleasant sounds, thoughts and feelings until sleep fell upon my tired body, brain and soul. A routine that was repeated daily. A secret that couldn’t be released from my soul.

Im my mid 30’s an individual came into my life unexpectedly and changed it forever. My two worlds that were kept apart for so long by the wall slowly started to merge into one new world. It was an inexplicable and unfamiliar feeling that was welcoming yet scary at the same time. Vulnerability was something I avoided successfully for years. As time went by and my trust in this individual grew stronger; the darkness and light that were once separated had merged together into a hue that was never present in my life before. This new world, while foreign and unknown, was a different kind of beautiful. It was something I had never experienced in my life. The mask I had worn during the day was no longer necessary and the darkness filled noise at night turned into peace.

To say that living in two worlds for so long was tiresome is an understatement. For one person to be able to enter my two worlds and have the ability to fuse them into one is a feat I would have thought was unattainable and impossible. The insurmountable amount of trust I had in this person and the unforeseeable friendship we created allowed me to be free. It took years of failure and triumphs to reach freedom but once attained, the most beautiful world had surrounded me. I became fearless and left with an unstoppable feeling to continue to not just live in this new fused world but to enhance it with beauty and love every day. The ocd that consumed my life and held me hostage in these two worlds for so long finally dissipated and evaporated into space.

For the first time in years I was finally able to go out and experience the world in a way I’ve never experienced it before, free. A new energy unleashed from my soul and I started expanding the family business, which is geared toward children and adults on the autism spectrum. Not long after I discovered my new world, I entered a raffle at an annual autism fair and won the $20,000 grand prize. Since autism is one of my passions, I used that money to help the members at my business creating a special fund for college or an apartment for 5 lucky members allowing them to further excel in life. Only requirement was they had to write a story on what they would do with the money.I was lucky enough to find my new world and expand my horizons and was honored to give back and help them do the same. To this day I still write all my thoughts down in my little black book. The only difference now is that instead of looking for freedom in my writing, now I write because I am free.

Two worlds, once separated by a fictitious wall, that seemed to be in parallel universes, now forever fused into one world of beauty and freedom. Speechless.